Overload

[FuzzyLittleNightmare]

I haven't had a day the past like 3 weeks that I haven't felt like I should be posting in here for advice. Its almost as if having a mental crisis is normal for me, and feeling good is such a strange thing I almost don't recognise it.

When I try and look at the situation objectively, I should be getting better. I'm making friends at college, I've been granted leniancies on my homework because I have to care for my disabled mother, my dance teacher keeps on putting me at the front centre of routines because I keep getting better and I have managed to stop self harming. But if anything I feel worse...

Despite getting extra time I am struggling with my schoolwork because I simply don't care about it, I'm only going to keep my mum happy; I am constantly worried about my mum because she's even more depressed than usual lately; my mum knows about how I used to self harm and she was really supportive but she keeps asking how my scars are healing so I physically cannot relapse for her sake, unless I started cutting the bottom of my feet or something. I go through a box of matches every week. It makes me sound like a pyro but I'm not really. I just like holding a lit match and playing with it. I think its a control thing, it feels good knowing fire can be deadly but it is totally under my control. I have no desire to hurt people with it, I just like setting fire to some things just so I can play with it then put it out.
I am only eating dinner and occasionally breakfast during the day but am doing loads of exercise so I'm getting bonier all the time. The doctors couldn't care less though because of the muscle weight I have from dance, they don't think I am at risk. But I lay awake at night crying because my skin feels too tight over my bones and muscles.
Besides, even if the doctors did want to help me, I have no free time in order to go and see them. You have to call at 8am to get an appointment and I am on the way to college at that time and they close at 5 and I get home from college at 5.15.

I don't know if there is anything people can say to help me but I'm just so miserable. I need to be awake and getting ready for college in 6 hours but I'm my heart is beating double time and I can't make my mind shut down to try and sleep

[jacknife]

I haven't had a day the past like 3 weeks that I haven't felt like I should be posting in here for advice. Its almost as if having a mental crisis is normal for me, and feeling good is such a strange thing I almost don't recognise it.
This is pretty normal for some people. I find myself constantly fantasizing that bad stuff will happen to me, because the feeling is more comforting than that of happiness. This is something that can change in time by surrounding yourself with good people and a healthy environment.

When I try and look at the situation objectively, I should be getting better. I'm making friends at college, I've been granted leniancies on my homework because I have to care for my disabled mother, my dance teacher keeps on putting me at the front centre of routines because I keep getting better and I have managed to stop self harming. But if anything I feel worse...
Sounds like things are going pretty well for you. Are you afraid of happiness? This could be a turning point for you if you continue to work hard through it. Just embrace the success! XD

Despite getting extra time I am struggling with my schoolwork because I simply don't care about it, I'm only going to keep my mum happy; I am constantly worried about my mum because she's even more depressed than usual lately; my mum knows about how I used to self harm and she was really supportive but she keeps asking how my scars are healing so I physically cannot relapse for her sake, unless I started cutting the bottom of my feet or something.
Do you think that self-harm is a problem for you? I mean, not for your mom, or from other people's perspectives; but from your own. Do you see it as a bad thing that you shouldn't be doing? Or do you think it's ok to do it every now and again, because you can still function normally and be happy?

This is not a trick question. Just answer honestly.

I go through a box of matches every week. It makes me sound like a pyro but I'm not really. I just like holding a lit match and playing with it. I think its a control thing, it feels good knowing fire can be deadly but it is totally under my control. I have no desire to hurt people with it, I just like setting fire to some things just so I can play with it then put it out.
I would not consider you a pyromaniac, myself. As long as you aren't destroying other people's property, or harming other people, then who cares what you do with fire? Just be safe, which you obviously are. :)

And I understand the feeling. I think, as a kid, the main reason I hated roller coasters and airplanes was 'cuz I felt weak and out-of-control. Turning to self-harm was most certainly a control thing as well. Knowing that the knife was in my hand, and all the power that existed in my being, and that I could do whatever I wanted with my power. It was exhilarating; and I felt in control for the first time in my life. I felt powerful.

These are not inherently bad feelings unless you let them control you and turn you into someone you do not want to be.

I am only eating dinner and occasionally breakfast during the day but am doing loads of exercise so I'm getting bonier all the time. The doctors couldn't care less though because of the muscle weight I have from dance, they don't think I am at risk. But I lay awake at night crying because my skin feels too tight over my bones and muscles
Yah, as a dancer you are probably burning TONS of calories! I bet you are in great shape and look fantastic; but you need to eat to keep a healthy weight (not to mention an attractive form!).

Is it 'cuz of all the stress that you are not eating? Try to pick up snacking. Having small things here-and-there throughout the day will help you get calories. Specifically, try some high carb foods (breads, pasta, etc.). The energy is quick and gets transferred fast - which is perfect for you as a dancer.

If you were lounging around all day a high-carb diet would cause you to gain tons of weight, but given your amount of exercise it would be an easy way to get all the energy your body needs. Just a thought.

Also, don't be afraid to ask your dance instructor, or other older dancers, what kinds of diets they are on. You don't have to scare them. Just tell them you are worried that you are losing weight due to the amount of exercise, and you want to make sure you stay a healthy weight that makes you happier.

Besides, even if the doctors did want to help me, I have no free time in order to go and see them. You have to call at 8am to get an appointment and I am on the way to college at that time and they close at 5 and I get home from college at 5.15.
Is this every day? I understand that your mom might not be able to help much because of her condition, but you should never be afraid to talk to an adult at the college for help setting an appointment.

Though, like I said, for the eating thing specifically, your dance instructors might even be able to help you out - so you won't need to see the doctor at all!

I don't know if there is anything people can say to help me but I'm just so miserable. I need to be awake and getting ready for college in 6 hours but I'm my heart is beating double time and I can't make my mind shut down to try and sleep
When lots of problems stack up things can seem impossible. It's best to focus on just one small problem at a time. Lots of the time it's just beneficial to relax for a moment and take a break. :)

Hope this helps! If you have any more questions let me know.