Iris
November 6th, 2011, 10:29 AM
It used to be just me. When I was a kid, and I had a problem, I'd be able to take care of it on my own. I may have been somewhat self-destructive at times, but at least it was all me. Then I added my blade to the mix, and while it was a little annoying, that I needed this piece of metal to feel better. But I could deal with that, because it was my pain, my blood; it was still me.
But now everything's changed. I got put on Paxil for depression. I discovered the existence of my boyfriend, who I'm madly in love with, and who is (for reasons I'm still struggling with) madly in love with me. I just got put on Lamictal, for bipolar disorder. And...I can't stand it. I can't stand all this help. I can't stand the thought that I would not be able to cope without the pills, without my boyfriend. I want to take care of myself. I want to feel powerful and in control, not like a weak, vulnerable, helpless little girl. I want to be able to control my life, my actions, my emotions. I can't stand needing something else. It's been just me for so long. I went through so much shit, and me and my blade got through it together. Now I need people, I need pills. I hate that. I hate that I can't take care of myself anymore.
I love my boyfriend, I don't want to lose him. But my pills...I don't know if I'll take them anymore. I look at them and get revolted. I want to flush them all down the toilet. I don't want to need them so desperately.
But now everything's changed. I got put on Paxil for depression. I discovered the existence of my boyfriend, who I'm madly in love with, and who is (for reasons I'm still struggling with) madly in love with me. I just got put on Lamictal, for bipolar disorder. And...I can't stand it. I can't stand all this help. I can't stand the thought that I would not be able to cope without the pills, without my boyfriend. I want to take care of myself. I want to feel powerful and in control, not like a weak, vulnerable, helpless little girl. I want to be able to control my life, my actions, my emotions. I can't stand needing something else. It's been just me for so long. I went through so much shit, and me and my blade got through it together. Now I need people, I need pills. I hate that. I hate that I can't take care of myself anymore.
I love my boyfriend, I don't want to lose him. But my pills...I don't know if I'll take them anymore. I look at them and get revolted. I want to flush them all down the toilet. I don't want to need them so desperately.