I don't even know what the problem is.

[georgiamay]

I feel like there's a problem. I don't know what it is, but it's there. For the last few days I've almost been like a zombie. I've hardly had a single emotion. I fake happiness when I'm around people, but that's easy to do when you're just a blank canvas.

I was getting better. I don't see my therapist anymore, and that's turned out to be a good idea so far. I haven't self harmed, which is an achievement. I just feel like I'm slipping back. I don't want to, I'm trying so hard to fight it. But then I ask myself "slip back to what?" What was the actual problem? I thought I knew. I was in therapy for such a long time, and while I was there I knew what was going on, I could tell what the problem was, I knew why I self harmed, and I knew why I felt the way I did. I think I've forgotten it all, because I can't remember any of it.

Maybe I'm just going through a down phase. They happen sometimes right? I can't expect to just go back to being completely normal after all that, surely it's expected for me to have a couple of steps back? Idk, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I see myself, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm a horrible human being. Sure, I can be nice to people, but on the whole I'm a lazy and selfish person. That thought makes me want to punish myself. But punishing myself would mean doing something that would hurt my parents if they found out, and hurting my parents because I wanted to punish myself is just selfish. So to avoid being a horrible person, I shouldn't punish myself. To me that doesn't make any sense, because then I'm letting myself go unpunished, which is hardly just.
Then there's the whole thing about needing that release, but knowing that you can't, because you promised you wouldn't. It makes me feel so trapped, knowing that the only thing that can really give me that release that I want is the one thing that I can't do.

^^ That paragraph probably doesn't even make sense, but in my head it's completely clear.

I'm pretty sure I won't do it. I'm pretty sure that soon I'll get out of this "phase" and go on and carry on getting better. That's what I hope will happen anyway. Sometimes I think I'm just generally fucked up, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. Who knows?

Idk, this is just a rant.

[Nexus]

Who's to say you won't grow out of being selfish. Quick question, are you an only child? I am. And people mostly give me shit because I'm not used to sharing my possessions and such. Not that I'm against sharing with people, but I've never had to. Pretty trivial and groundless reasons to label somebody self-centered imo.

In my experience, if you get constantly told that you're selfish or that you're .. whatever, you will almost inevitably convince yourself that it's true, at some point in time. I don't know if that's the case for you, but it seems to be pretty consistent with most of my friends that have no siblings.

Please don't punish yourself. Even if my aforementioned spiel has absolutely no relevance to your life, it's still apparent to me that you're over analyzing things. You're not perfect - big whoop. Your efforts should be centered on working through your problems, rather than penalizing yourself for them, which ultimately will only hold you back more.

Good luck. I'm around if you wanna talk about it some more.

[Abyssinian]

I hate to say this as I know it sounds rather blunt and impossible, but the only way to stop feeling like that is to WANT to stop. It takes mental strength and alot of effort, but it's honestly worth it.

I had mild depression at one stage, I was in a blue that I didn't think I could get out of, but one day I was put onto the theory that if you are unhappy with something, change it. I'd had enough of being sad, so I forbade myself to think of anything depressing. I now focus on all the good in my life, things I will someday achieve, and I'm working hard to be a better, more confident person. It's working too!

You think bad thoughts. Stop. Think about anything else.
You don't like something about yourself. Work towards changing it.
Get a new hobby, focus on things you love, always remain positive. Life changes so often, you just have to be optimistic that the future holds good things for you if you work for it.

You don't need to punish yourself, punishment is never as effective as positive reinforcement. If you take small steps to be a better person in your own eyes, you will start feeling better about yourself automatically.

I don't know if I skipped a point of your question or if I said anything unnecessary, I'm sorry if I did but I am just so so tired I can barely see =) in any case, hope this helps!

If you need to talk there are many people here that will gladly accept a PM, myself included =)