kidkizzet
November 1st, 2011, 02:56 AM
I'm not sure how strong the urges are, but I'm not sure if I can trust myself. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and that was enough to make the urges reach a new level I'm not sure I can cope with. They're strong urges, but I'm hoping I can stay strong and not self-harm.
I don't want to eat, I'm having to push myself to eat, and doing that makes me feel like cutting more. I don't want to cut but it feels like the only option left. Eating makes everything worse and how much I weigh on the scales doesn't make a difference, what I see when I look at myself is the issue and there's no way of avoiding it. Constant urges to cut. There's obviously more fat on my body otherwise that area wouldn't appear bigger than it did a few months back. I feel like cutting my arms to pieces at the thought of that. It would help, even if only temporarily.
Sometimes I wonder what's stopping me. Obviously more than what's pushing me. I'm scared that will change. What happens if reasons to become stronger than reasons against, what if the urges get too much. I'm prepared for when it does happen, that's the terrible thing. I subconsciously brought a blade the other day, when I realised what I'd done I was scared to pieces. I've cut without realising before and so I need to be more aware.
I feel I've nowhere to turn. And I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I don't even need to vent this way, but it's obviously easier to write this right now than to write some poetry instead. I'm unproductive, I got less than one hours sleep last night. Too much on my mind. I just feel this need to cut and it's frustrating me. My anxiety is worsening again too, I just want to feel alright again and not feel the need to fall back.
I don't want to eat, I'm having to push myself to eat, and doing that makes me feel like cutting more. I don't want to cut but it feels like the only option left. Eating makes everything worse and how much I weigh on the scales doesn't make a difference, what I see when I look at myself is the issue and there's no way of avoiding it. Constant urges to cut. There's obviously more fat on my body otherwise that area wouldn't appear bigger than it did a few months back. I feel like cutting my arms to pieces at the thought of that. It would help, even if only temporarily.
Sometimes I wonder what's stopping me. Obviously more than what's pushing me. I'm scared that will change. What happens if reasons to become stronger than reasons against, what if the urges get too much. I'm prepared for when it does happen, that's the terrible thing. I subconsciously brought a blade the other day, when I realised what I'd done I was scared to pieces. I've cut without realising before and so I need to be more aware.
I feel I've nowhere to turn. And I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I don't even need to vent this way, but it's obviously easier to write this right now than to write some poetry instead. I'm unproductive, I got less than one hours sleep last night. Too much on my mind. I just feel this need to cut and it's frustrating me. My anxiety is worsening again too, I just want to feel alright again and not feel the need to fall back.