I need help...

[FuzzyLittleNightmare]

I don't cry. I've just never been that kind of person. If I felt like I was going to cry I would hit something, and turn the sadness into anger because I knew how to deal with that. But I have just sat in front of the mirror and cried for about 20 minutes, until my stomach started spasming and I felt sick (I did not know crying could do that) because my mum commented on how flat my chest was (normally I wear a really padded bra) and my self esteem just plummeted even lower than usual.

I'm just sick of looking at how much I have screwed up and am screwing up my body. I've got dark circles under my tired looking eyes; bony hips but still a stubborn fat bump on my stomach; bony ribs and collar bones and a flat chest that makes me look 7 rather than 17 and other stuff. I can see bones but still consider myself fat and flat refuse to eat one bite of food on a bad day.

I've been diagnosed with anorexia for about 2 years now even though I have had it longer but the doctors haven't done a thing to help me out. I weigh more than they expect me to because I have always danced and worked out and stuff so I have a really high muscle mass. So they think I am healthy depsite the fact I only eat around 600 calories a day if that and exercise all the time. They just seem to ignore how bony and ill I am.

On a good day I can get past everything I hate about my body except for my chest. I got anorexia at just the wrong time so my breasts never developed properly and I just look like a little kid. Even just talking/typing about it makes me feel really upset/angry and my throat closes up. I wear high necked shirt and always sit it a way that pushes what little chest I have out so I don't look so tiny. Its always on my mind how much I don't look like a woman. If I could afford a boob job I would even hesitate to get it done just to stop hating myself and to be able to relax.

Sorry about all this...I'm not expecting replies...I guess I just needed to vent...I don't have anyone I can talk to about any of this

[Magenta]

Hun, you're not alone, I'll tell you that. The other day, I was thinking the exact same thing: I hate my chest. I was pretty flat before my ED and now I look like a ten year old girl. :hug:

I hate hearing about doctors that don't do anything. They should know that your dance is what's affecting your weight and that there is still a problem beyond that. Have you ever tried demanding that they help you? I did that once when my psychiatrist was treating me like I was five, not 15, and was talking to my parents and not me. It actually helped a lot because he found out that I did want help and I was not going to be walked over by a bunch of adults who thought they knew better than me what was going on in my head. It sounds bratty the way I put it but if you can do it with enough maturity to prove your point, it sometimes can get you a long way. Either that or can you see another doctor?

I'm always around if you need someone to vent to or talk to. All my contact stuff is on my profile. :)

[Amaryllis]

I remember the first time I really, really looked at myself in the mirror. I never weighed myself, I don't know how much I weighed. My mother only took me to a doctor late into my eating disorder, when I was fading away.

I stood in the mirror and I was horrified. I cried. I could see the bones in my bum, chest, ribs, hands, neck, face. My eyes had no light in them. I was dead. I knew how horrifying I looked, I found myself disgusting. I didn't like how I looked. I didn't think I was fat. I didn't want to be skinny. But I was too afraid of being fat. I was too afraid to eat. I hated myself.

Your chest will get bigger once you put on -a lot- more weight. Trust me, they will. You'll look so much better. You can't expect them to help you, sweetheart. Few people have that privilege. Maybe you're one of them, maybe you're not. I wasn't. I still got through, though. It's hard, but it isn't impossible. If you want it bad enough, you'll get it. You're miserable now. Why are you still holding on? What will you gain from your eating disorders? What will you lose?

Read anorexia recovery books. Join recovery websites like Something Fishy. Write in a journal. Read this. (http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=110035) Do everything and anything to help yourself heal. Recovery isn't easy, but it's worth it.