Trust

[Alexithymia]

I don't know if I can trust myself anymore. A few weeks ago, I just started thoughts of harming myself (permanently). Now? I can get it out of my head. What if I get too depressed or anxious one day and cut off a finger? Or cut myself so deeply that I need stitches? Or what if I take the blade to my face?

I don't want to be permanently scarred. I know that I have scars, but those can be faded and forgotten. These things can't. I don't want this, but I'm afraid it's going to happen. I feel like I should be locked in a psych ward. No, I want to be locked in a psych ward. Just so this won't happen. And so I can deal with a few other things I need to deal with.

I'm so crazy. And I'm admitting it to myself. Now it's just time to get help.

[Amaryllis]

Mark, you're so, so brave for posting this and for wanting to get help. Just knowing you don't want to do it is a huge step. If you don't want to, you less likely will. When you want to cut, keep telling yourself how you can't undo this. You can't reverse it and how will it help?

A while ago, I held my precision knife to my heart. I wanted to stab it. Dig into my heart, twist it, tear it, puncture a hole and end it there and then. I raised my knife up, brought it down and stopped a millimeter from my chest.

It's a permanent scar that will only give you a temporary release. Tomorrow would have been a new day. I would have started over. The pain wasn't going to -completely- overwhelm me forever. Imagine if I did bring it down, Mark. I wouldn't be here anymore.

It doesn't necessarily get better. But you get stronger. You learn to cope. You learn to survive. One day you will use your experiences and help someone else. One day you will look back and be glad you have all your fingers. When you want to act on yor impulse, stop. Sit. Think. Talk to someone. Write it down. Tear pieces of paper. Cry.

What may seem impossible today may not be so hard tomorrow.