Disgusting.

[Bath]

I've been having panic attacks about twice a day now, sometimes more sometimes less. After a panic attack, I'm left feeling depressed and even sometimes a little numb. So my days aren't so well recently.

And I get scared when I get really happy because it never lasts. I'll get really euphoric, kind of like I just dropped MDMA but completely natural. But the happier I am, the harder I fall.

I'll go through these little episodes where I'll really want to die.. usually during a panic attack. I'll go crazy looking for something to hang myself with, or pills to overdose on, or I'll slash at my wrists and I'm lucky enough so far I don't hit a vein. Thing is.. these are provoked without any reason. Most of the time. They just happen... I just feel worthless and hopeless and I have no impact on anything. So I just don't want to bother with life. Everything starts to seem surreal.

I'm in a pretty good mood right now so I have the chance to try and think rationally about it and write it out, but my emotions are seriously unpredictable and my mom refuses to take me to a therapist or put me on meds because she doesn't believe in that... she believes in a cup of tea and a good night's sleep. Tried that.

It's just getting scary now and I don't know what to do.

[Amaryllis]

I completely understand how you feel, hun. But why is the title "Disgusting"? If you're referring to yourself, you're not. If it's your mum, well...

When I asked my mum to take me to a psychologist a couple years ago, she flipped and man, it was horrible. Now I've been to 7 different professionals in 12 months alone. I wish she'd allow you to see a psychiatrist, as well. You -can- convince her, Bethany. You just need to be reasonable and patient. For a parent, bringing your child to a psychiatrist is like saying "My child has a problem I can't cope with. I don't know what to do. She's hurting. I have failed as a parent." It's a really hard thing to face and not all parents can come to terms with that.

However, you gotta explain to her how much you are in need of professional help. That this isn't just a teenage phase you're going through but something serious and something you cannot cope with alone.

The ups and downs are horrible. It's like you're on a seesaw but you're playing with yourself(err). It goes up, down, up down and sometimes you just stay static. You -can- control them to some extent, though. Well, not really but... You can tell yourself, when you're way up high, "I'm feeling euphoric right now. Whatever I want and feel I can do now can wait for later" and when you're down low, "This will pass. This is just a phase. I will be okay."

It's kind of like... Either you think if you jump off a roof, you'll fly, or you just wish you could jump off a roof and die.

You learn to cope with it, though. And things become a lot easier to deal with. Good luck, sweetheart. Chin up. You'll be okay.

[Bath]

You always give really good advice.

[aperson444]

I don't know how much I can help. All I can say is hang in there. If getting to a psychiatrist is an issue (and you may find one very useful right about now), there are a few options. You could try getting a referral from the family doctor or the school psychologist or you could try going to a nearby hospital -- most have some kind of crisis center where they will monitor and test you. I know it sounds drastic and it really does suck, but sometimes if you need help -- and you can't get it -- then you have to go for drastic measures.

Good luck and take it easy.

[Bath]

Yeah I've been to a crisis center before, when I was 14 and I've been considering asking my mom to go back, but she's probably going to think I don't wanna go to school because I've been making excuses to miss so much school already.

I kind of just wanna give it a few days but I can't predict how I'm gonna feel. I'm just holding my breath.