I'm so terrified...

[sarah newman]

So here it goes:

I self harmed really bad- all over arms, legs and stomach- when I was 13 years old, made my family go through hell (the teachers got involved as I confided in them, and my tutor teacher was so lovely about it, but my brother got hassle as it came out that I self harmed) but then got better a year later. I decided the best thing was to move away from it all, so we did.
I am now 15 and I am self harming again. I have gone through so much since that period of time- I was sexually assaulted, have a court case coming up about a webcam incident, have a binge eating disorder, feel so depressed ALL the time- I got to the point where I told my maths teacher that I self harmed a few weeks ago and something happened to me a year ago that still effects me. He was so supportive, said he's always there for me and he would set up a meeting with me him and my pastoral manager for after half term.
Unfortunately, that afternoon my mum had a call home saying I self harmed a few weeks ago and I have a court case coming up and that they are concerned. My mum said it was just like what happened in year 9, and If I put my brother through what he went through again then she would take him and move away- I said i would rather be put into care then split my mum and dad up. I had to deny self harming and I said I thought me having a court case had to be on file. The next day my mum checked my whole body for cuts- luckily they had healed by then.
The thing is, I have some amazing friends, and I had a reasonable upbringing, my mum and dad support me on the positive side of things- like if I got a good grade- but when I need help with self harming or anything like this, my mum is not supportive at all, says I attention seek and my dad hates it to.
It got to the point where I told them I was sexually assaulted a year ago. My dad was so amazing. My grandpa had died recently and even though my dad is still grieving he still had time for this. On the other hand, my mum hasn't said a word to me about it and thinks everything is normal. My dad thinks I can move on just like that- but I don't know how to move on. If I were to move on I would of in the past year wouldn't I?
My best friends want me to get help as they are so worried that I'm gonna kill myself, but to be honest I don't feel like i can quit yet, and you have to feel like you can quit to get help, right? It pains me to know I am hurting them, I hate them worrying so much about me. I'm worthless, not worth the hassle.
I'm getting teachers come up to me after half term and I so want to tell the pastoral manager what happened to me so I wont feel so alone, but my dad said not to tell them and my mum said she's not dealing with me anymore. If I get asked what happened to me, should I tell them? Or just bottle it up inside me forever more? What should I do? :'(

[Ambrosia]

Try and come up with an alternative to self harming. Keep positing in these forums, too, because surfing the internet can be a very good distraction!

I'm very terribly sorry that you have to go through that. All of it, really. It's a shame, and it's very common. You are in no way alone, and myself and everyone on this forum is always going to be here for you.

Explain to your friends that you can't exactly get professional help until your parents come to the realization that you need it. Tell them you need it. Get your mom to understand that leaving won't help you in any way and she needs to get you real help.

I understand you not wanting to cut, it's a hard thing to give up when you still feel trapped. But a day will come when you are relatively happy...And you will stop. :)

PM me if need be!

[Amaryllis]

I can't believe you went through all that and you're still here talking about it today. That's really, really brave of you. I don't think I'd ever be able to press charges against my father. I have no idea what the webcam incident you speak of entitles but, it's still terribly brave of you.

Cutting's a downward spiral, sweetheart. It's a temporary release. All the pain, anger, frustration, hate, misery and fears will come back one day, hitting harder than it ever would've had you not started cutting. Believe me when I say I understand how horrible it is to be sexually assaulted. I wish I could teleport into your room and just hug you and miraculously make it all better.

This is your fight to win, though.

The past is the past. It can't hurt you, not physically. Mentally, you seem so strong. Just keep going. One day at a time. When you feel like cutting, type out all your feelings and troubles instead. Or shred paper, I do that. Or talk to people. Go to sleep. Surf the web. Stay still. Wait it out.

People, especially parents, don't usually understand or even wish to. To them, searching for help for you is like saying "I let my child get hurt. I have failed as a parents. This is a problem I can't deal with. I don't know what to do. I've failed." A few years back, I -begged- my mum to let me see a psychologist. I've been hurting myself since I was a little kid at the start of primary school. My mother was -furious-. She kicked me out of the car and beat me when we got home.

Self-harm is something few people truly understand or want to. It's a dark, dark side of the world and it's people. To know your child cuts themselves? That they were raped/molested? That's one of the worst things you could ever here. You have to understand that, sweetheart.

Your family truly does sound like they care. They sound like they care a lot. But they don't know what to do. They don't know how to help. They can't grasp that it isn't that easy to let go of the pain and drop the knife.

I've been on this endless self-destructive cycle for as long as I can remember. I tried to drown myself when I was 7 and you know what I learned from all of that? It's all me. It's a SELF-destructive cycle. No one is asking you to hurt yourself or stay feeling so blue. It isn't easy but it -is- possible.

You have friends. Reach out to them. Tell them how you feel. All the years of pain. You had the strength to confide in your teachers. I greatly admire you for that. It's something I could... I would never do. You don't need to be "ready" to quit to seek for help. Psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors, they're there to help you through it, through to being ready and to recovering.

You stopped for a bit. You can do it again. For even longer this time. If you stumble, make it part of your dance.

[sarah newman]

Thank you, bur I don't think I can quit yet. I can't confide in anyone Nd let them know what a messed up kid I am. I cant do that to them.