knight4thedark
May 27th, 2005, 07:38 PM
Okay, so here is a story I wrote. And um...well these ppl are married, and gay...so yeah...not exactly realistic, but I can dream can't I?
How Can I Let Go?
July, 28 2030
15 years. I still can’t believe it. All of this time, I never would have guessed it. It hit us all so suddenly. No wonder it was so hard to cope with – for all of us. I really can’t believe I’m doing this. So many memories I don’t want to reminisce about, but I know this is something I have to do.
Hello, my name is Georgie Marquart and I’m going to tell you about an unfortunate event that happened to me 15 years ago.
I was about 25 at the time, to some that was extremely young. As many had told me and as I look back and remember, I had the rainbow life. I had a loyal loving husband, two beautiful innocent childrenwhich we adopted from the Swedes. They looked so cute with theirt blond hair and little pink booties I put on their feet. A homey cottage in Westchester County, New York, and the best living situation anyone could dream about. My husband and I didn’t work. We spent all our time with our children, just paying attention to them, being with them as much as we could, playing with them, taking them places, we were just… happy. And of corse he ans I were happy in the bed too. My husband had gotten a large inheritance from his father when he turned 18. He just kept it in a bank for a couple of years and left it to gain interest until he wanted to use it. I used to work as a mental health worker and he used to be in retail. We finally decided to use all that money when we adopted our first child. How I longed to be able to be pregannt. I wanted to give him children, but I was a guy too. I pryaed ever night for got to give me a papo. We hadn’t planned ahead, but once I held my baby for the first time, I knew I couldn’t leave him alone. So we lived the happy life just living with our kids and doing what we wanted.
I was with the kids when I found out. Kristy – my oldest child, he was 3 at the time – was sick. I was going to the little infirmary that we had in our little cul-de-sac to get him some medicine when I heard Cristobal (my husband) talking to the local doctor Mr. Biggerstaff. I couldn’t hear them well, but I did overhear him saying how hard it would have to be to tell me and the rest of the family. I was getting a bit scarred at the moment. We never had any trouble communicating, what’s so bad that he couldn’t tell me? I went back outside and knocked as to let them think that I didn’t hear anything. The good doctor let me in and I smiled as to not be suspicious. “Good day Dr. Biggerstaff, I was just wondering if I could get some medicine for Kristy, he’s been coughing a lot and I just want something to make it better,†I said politely. He nods to me and goes to retrieve the medicine in another room. I turn to Cristobal and give him a questioning look. “What are you doing here Cristobal?†I ask trying to be clueless. He gave me a weird look for a second before it passed and he answered me in his naturally thick husky voice (which turned me on to an extential orgasm) as he always does. “Nothing sweet, just talking about current events with Mr. Biggerstaff,†he answered, with a little tension behind his voice. I smile slightly and nod, getting more worried by the second knowing he never lied to me a day in his life. The doctor came back with the medicine and gave me a smile. I saw how cracked his lips were, damn, he needed chap stick. “Here you go,†he said handing me the bottle. I take it and turn to leave. His hands were so big and rough, they reminded of Cristobal's hands, and how he made sweet love to me with his hands. While departing I turn back and say, “See you at home cream puff,†and go out the door.
It was that night in our bedroom that I had gotten the courage to ask him about what I overheard this afternoon. I saw the worried look on his face when I first announced it, but
it was replaced by a questioning look. “You were spying on me?†He retorted. “NO!†I answered back quickly. “I was getting medicine for Kristy and I overheard. Now stop beating around the bush and tell me what you meant.†I said with conviction. He looked worried again and I pointed a sharp look at him. He knew he would have to tell me sooner or later. He took my hands and stroked them gently, he knew how much i loved the sensation I got when he touched me. He gave me a look I would never forget in all of the years I live. It was filled with lost hope and surrender. I have never seen Cristobal look like this in all of the years I’ve known him, and at that moment I felt my heart drop. “I went to the doctor’s yesterday,†he started off, “I haven’t been feeling too well lately and I just wanted to clear it up. The doctor had to do some blood tests on me first, and I sat in that room for hours. He came back later and by the look on his face, I knew something was wrong. He explained everything to me. Everything they found and retested. I’m dying Georgie.†I died at that moment. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I just looked into his eyes and died. “It couldn’t be happening, all of this isn’t real,†I kept on telling myself in my head. I kept on denying it, but the look in his eyes confirmed it all. I was losing him. We were all losing him, and I wasn’t getting him back this time. I completely broke down at that moment. I let all the tears fall and hugged my husband tightly. “I can’t lose you, I won’t give you up,†I kept on whispering over and over into his chest. He just held me tightly and we cried together. But I accidently got boogies on his shirt. And he was like “EW!†and I was like “...Sorry...†And he laughed and then he started rubbing me...everywhere.
The next couple of days were hectic and heart-breaking to say the least. We had to tell everyone of Cristobal’s situation and we had to call the doctor to see what medications Cristobal needed to be put on. The hardest part was telling the kids. They were toddlers for Pete’s sake! I don’t think they knew what were talking about, only that it must’ve been something terrible because their parents were crying, which they hardly ever saw. My 2 year old daughter Angel came up to me and asked after we told them, “What’s dying Papa?†in her young naïve voice. I felt my heart wrench at the question. “It’s when someone goes away and you never see them again Angel,†I answered although my voice was low and watery from all the crying. “Never?†she asked wide eyed. I nod and she goes over to her father. “Why are you leaving Papi?†she asked and then she began poking him a lot. I yelled at her to stop, furiously---I know I shouldn't have, it's just the pain was abaracading in my heart, and I lost my self control (plus, i don't really like girls, Cristobal was the one that wanted to adopt her)... knowing she didn’t clearly understand the situation, but also knowing she wouldn’t like the answer. “Well Papi can’t do anything about it Angel, I just have to,†He answered in the same tone of voice that I did. “Where are you going?†she kept on asking, not wanting her father to leave. “To heaven, with the angels,†he answered looking in her woeful eyes. “But I don’t want you to go!†she said crying into her father’s chest along with her brother who had been silent the whole time. “Neither do I butter cup, neither do I,†he said inaudibly as we were all crying now.
A hospice nurse moved in with us a month or more later, seeing that we needed someone to take care of my darling cream puff, because I was busy taking care of the kids. Rose she was called. She was pleasant, but I still didn’t like her. I didn’t want to have a reminder every day that one day I would never see the man I love ever again in my life. Things went pretty slow from then on. We spent as much time together as a family and with our family to cherish all the days that he had left. One of my favorite days was when my bother, James, visited one week and we brought the old movies out. We saw the tape of our wedding day again. Needless to say it brought back some memories and tears. We were all (me, Cristobal, my brother and Rose) looking at our reception when suddenly Cristobal takes me by the hands and starts waltzing with me again as we were doing in the film at the time. “I may not be 21 again, but I still have the moves,†he whispered in my ear as we twirled around the living room, James and Rose laughing along. I cried so much that night.
A couple of months later Cristobal’s condition got so bad he had to be confined to his bed. He hardly ever went out of the bedroom, only on special occasions like my birthday or Kristy’s first day of pre-school. Each day went out with a heavier heart than the day before. He was getting weaker and it was getting more noticeable that he was sick. The kids were less boisterous and the atmosphere of the house changed completely from homey and welcoming to dismal and dull. Things weren’t going to get any better.
Our 6th anniversary came around. It was one of those rare occasions when Cristobal could get out of bed. Rose took the kids to a neighbor’s house while we had a nice little dinner in the kitchen. There were candles and music and we had a good time; trying to make up for all the time we missed. The next morning when we woke, he asked me if I could get him a glass of water. I would have done it if it wasn’t for the tone he said it in. It was so weak and depleting I just couldn’t leave. I had a sickening feeling in my throat. “Are you going to die,†I asked him bluntly, immediately regretting it knowing what the answer was going to be. He didn’t show any movement, but he had saddest look in his eyes that answered everything. He explained that he wanted to have this one night for us before he went, wanted to make love to me once more, wanted his last vision of earth before he left to be of my face. I was crying at that time like I never had before. He told me to tell everyone that he loved them, especially the kids, and that he sent them videos for them in his will for when they got older. I was looking in his eyes after he said this, and I couldn’t look away. This was the last time I would see him, but somehow I couldn’t accept that. He just held on to me tightly, while I kept on sobbing. He slowly closed his eyes and I felt his arms slack a couple of minutes later, and he was gone – at the young age of 27. I will never forget the feeling of his last breathe leaving his body if I get to turn 35 or 1,000.
Everyone found me that afternoon in the kitchen with a glass of Jack Daniels in my hand still crying my eyes out. We had the funeral a few days later. It had to be the most depressing event I have ever been attended, but I actually thought it was going to be worse. Rose moved out, but I still keep in contact with her. 15 years have passed since then and my heart still drops at the sound of his name. I have progressively gotten better. I don’t cry every night as I used to. Kristy is now 18 and starting college in the fall---however he happens to be quite obese but hes seeing a thrapist about that....(fat camp and those $2,000 went down the drain) and Angel is now a senior in high school. They have mostly been what has been keeping me going on all of these years. I have been moving on knowing they need me. Getting up and moving on is not as easy as it looks. It has taken years of friends and relatives comforting me before I took a step forward. I did it, in a large amount of time and it still hurts, but something like this will never completely die down. I cold never forget Cristobal my love, the wayhe brushed the hair out of my eyes when I was upset., his smile, and how it exposed that one missing tooth, i thought theat was so cute. Oh my soulmate, gone forever... I give advice for everyone who has struggled in their life for a loss of a loved one. Even if the road is rocky and damned near impossible to cross, you have to do it, for your soul, your health, the people around you, for… everything. Take that leap of faith and try to… move on…
Georgie Marquart
How Can I Let Go?
July, 28 2030
15 years. I still can’t believe it. All of this time, I never would have guessed it. It hit us all so suddenly. No wonder it was so hard to cope with – for all of us. I really can’t believe I’m doing this. So many memories I don’t want to reminisce about, but I know this is something I have to do.
Hello, my name is Georgie Marquart and I’m going to tell you about an unfortunate event that happened to me 15 years ago.
I was about 25 at the time, to some that was extremely young. As many had told me and as I look back and remember, I had the rainbow life. I had a loyal loving husband, two beautiful innocent childrenwhich we adopted from the Swedes. They looked so cute with theirt blond hair and little pink booties I put on their feet. A homey cottage in Westchester County, New York, and the best living situation anyone could dream about. My husband and I didn’t work. We spent all our time with our children, just paying attention to them, being with them as much as we could, playing with them, taking them places, we were just… happy. And of corse he ans I were happy in the bed too. My husband had gotten a large inheritance from his father when he turned 18. He just kept it in a bank for a couple of years and left it to gain interest until he wanted to use it. I used to work as a mental health worker and he used to be in retail. We finally decided to use all that money when we adopted our first child. How I longed to be able to be pregannt. I wanted to give him children, but I was a guy too. I pryaed ever night for got to give me a papo. We hadn’t planned ahead, but once I held my baby for the first time, I knew I couldn’t leave him alone. So we lived the happy life just living with our kids and doing what we wanted.
I was with the kids when I found out. Kristy – my oldest child, he was 3 at the time – was sick. I was going to the little infirmary that we had in our little cul-de-sac to get him some medicine when I heard Cristobal (my husband) talking to the local doctor Mr. Biggerstaff. I couldn’t hear them well, but I did overhear him saying how hard it would have to be to tell me and the rest of the family. I was getting a bit scarred at the moment. We never had any trouble communicating, what’s so bad that he couldn’t tell me? I went back outside and knocked as to let them think that I didn’t hear anything. The good doctor let me in and I smiled as to not be suspicious. “Good day Dr. Biggerstaff, I was just wondering if I could get some medicine for Kristy, he’s been coughing a lot and I just want something to make it better,†I said politely. He nods to me and goes to retrieve the medicine in another room. I turn to Cristobal and give him a questioning look. “What are you doing here Cristobal?†I ask trying to be clueless. He gave me a weird look for a second before it passed and he answered me in his naturally thick husky voice (which turned me on to an extential orgasm) as he always does. “Nothing sweet, just talking about current events with Mr. Biggerstaff,†he answered, with a little tension behind his voice. I smile slightly and nod, getting more worried by the second knowing he never lied to me a day in his life. The doctor came back with the medicine and gave me a smile. I saw how cracked his lips were, damn, he needed chap stick. “Here you go,†he said handing me the bottle. I take it and turn to leave. His hands were so big and rough, they reminded of Cristobal's hands, and how he made sweet love to me with his hands. While departing I turn back and say, “See you at home cream puff,†and go out the door.
It was that night in our bedroom that I had gotten the courage to ask him about what I overheard this afternoon. I saw the worried look on his face when I first announced it, but
it was replaced by a questioning look. “You were spying on me?†He retorted. “NO!†I answered back quickly. “I was getting medicine for Kristy and I overheard. Now stop beating around the bush and tell me what you meant.†I said with conviction. He looked worried again and I pointed a sharp look at him. He knew he would have to tell me sooner or later. He took my hands and stroked them gently, he knew how much i loved the sensation I got when he touched me. He gave me a look I would never forget in all of the years I live. It was filled with lost hope and surrender. I have never seen Cristobal look like this in all of the years I’ve known him, and at that moment I felt my heart drop. “I went to the doctor’s yesterday,†he started off, “I haven’t been feeling too well lately and I just wanted to clear it up. The doctor had to do some blood tests on me first, and I sat in that room for hours. He came back later and by the look on his face, I knew something was wrong. He explained everything to me. Everything they found and retested. I’m dying Georgie.†I died at that moment. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I just looked into his eyes and died. “It couldn’t be happening, all of this isn’t real,†I kept on telling myself in my head. I kept on denying it, but the look in his eyes confirmed it all. I was losing him. We were all losing him, and I wasn’t getting him back this time. I completely broke down at that moment. I let all the tears fall and hugged my husband tightly. “I can’t lose you, I won’t give you up,†I kept on whispering over and over into his chest. He just held me tightly and we cried together. But I accidently got boogies on his shirt. And he was like “EW!†and I was like “...Sorry...†And he laughed and then he started rubbing me...everywhere.
The next couple of days were hectic and heart-breaking to say the least. We had to tell everyone of Cristobal’s situation and we had to call the doctor to see what medications Cristobal needed to be put on. The hardest part was telling the kids. They were toddlers for Pete’s sake! I don’t think they knew what were talking about, only that it must’ve been something terrible because their parents were crying, which they hardly ever saw. My 2 year old daughter Angel came up to me and asked after we told them, “What’s dying Papa?†in her young naïve voice. I felt my heart wrench at the question. “It’s when someone goes away and you never see them again Angel,†I answered although my voice was low and watery from all the crying. “Never?†she asked wide eyed. I nod and she goes over to her father. “Why are you leaving Papi?†she asked and then she began poking him a lot. I yelled at her to stop, furiously---I know I shouldn't have, it's just the pain was abaracading in my heart, and I lost my self control (plus, i don't really like girls, Cristobal was the one that wanted to adopt her)... knowing she didn’t clearly understand the situation, but also knowing she wouldn’t like the answer. “Well Papi can’t do anything about it Angel, I just have to,†He answered in the same tone of voice that I did. “Where are you going?†she kept on asking, not wanting her father to leave. “To heaven, with the angels,†he answered looking in her woeful eyes. “But I don’t want you to go!†she said crying into her father’s chest along with her brother who had been silent the whole time. “Neither do I butter cup, neither do I,†he said inaudibly as we were all crying now.
A hospice nurse moved in with us a month or more later, seeing that we needed someone to take care of my darling cream puff, because I was busy taking care of the kids. Rose she was called. She was pleasant, but I still didn’t like her. I didn’t want to have a reminder every day that one day I would never see the man I love ever again in my life. Things went pretty slow from then on. We spent as much time together as a family and with our family to cherish all the days that he had left. One of my favorite days was when my bother, James, visited one week and we brought the old movies out. We saw the tape of our wedding day again. Needless to say it brought back some memories and tears. We were all (me, Cristobal, my brother and Rose) looking at our reception when suddenly Cristobal takes me by the hands and starts waltzing with me again as we were doing in the film at the time. “I may not be 21 again, but I still have the moves,†he whispered in my ear as we twirled around the living room, James and Rose laughing along. I cried so much that night.
A couple of months later Cristobal’s condition got so bad he had to be confined to his bed. He hardly ever went out of the bedroom, only on special occasions like my birthday or Kristy’s first day of pre-school. Each day went out with a heavier heart than the day before. He was getting weaker and it was getting more noticeable that he was sick. The kids were less boisterous and the atmosphere of the house changed completely from homey and welcoming to dismal and dull. Things weren’t going to get any better.
Our 6th anniversary came around. It was one of those rare occasions when Cristobal could get out of bed. Rose took the kids to a neighbor’s house while we had a nice little dinner in the kitchen. There were candles and music and we had a good time; trying to make up for all the time we missed. The next morning when we woke, he asked me if I could get him a glass of water. I would have done it if it wasn’t for the tone he said it in. It was so weak and depleting I just couldn’t leave. I had a sickening feeling in my throat. “Are you going to die,†I asked him bluntly, immediately regretting it knowing what the answer was going to be. He didn’t show any movement, but he had saddest look in his eyes that answered everything. He explained that he wanted to have this one night for us before he went, wanted to make love to me once more, wanted his last vision of earth before he left to be of my face. I was crying at that time like I never had before. He told me to tell everyone that he loved them, especially the kids, and that he sent them videos for them in his will for when they got older. I was looking in his eyes after he said this, and I couldn’t look away. This was the last time I would see him, but somehow I couldn’t accept that. He just held on to me tightly, while I kept on sobbing. He slowly closed his eyes and I felt his arms slack a couple of minutes later, and he was gone – at the young age of 27. I will never forget the feeling of his last breathe leaving his body if I get to turn 35 or 1,000.
Everyone found me that afternoon in the kitchen with a glass of Jack Daniels in my hand still crying my eyes out. We had the funeral a few days later. It had to be the most depressing event I have ever been attended, but I actually thought it was going to be worse. Rose moved out, but I still keep in contact with her. 15 years have passed since then and my heart still drops at the sound of his name. I have progressively gotten better. I don’t cry every night as I used to. Kristy is now 18 and starting college in the fall---however he happens to be quite obese but hes seeing a thrapist about that....(fat camp and those $2,000 went down the drain) and Angel is now a senior in high school. They have mostly been what has been keeping me going on all of these years. I have been moving on knowing they need me. Getting up and moving on is not as easy as it looks. It has taken years of friends and relatives comforting me before I took a step forward. I did it, in a large amount of time and it still hurts, but something like this will never completely die down. I cold never forget Cristobal my love, the wayhe brushed the hair out of my eyes when I was upset., his smile, and how it exposed that one missing tooth, i thought theat was so cute. Oh my soulmate, gone forever... I give advice for everyone who has struggled in their life for a loss of a loved one. Even if the road is rocky and damned near impossible to cross, you have to do it, for your soul, your health, the people around you, for… everything. Take that leap of faith and try to… move on…
Georgie Marquart