I'm an idiot

[Alexithymia]

I'm an idiot. Plainly and simply speaking, that is. I'm saying that I quit in January, even though I've cut more recently than that. Why? Because the time that I was cutting in January was the time that I was cutting continually. Now... I do it maybe once every three months. There was once in spring that I did it two times in a week, but then I stopped for a while. But I'm still an idiot.

I'm an idiot for the simple reason that I do everything I can to give myself triggers. To give myself an excuse to just give up and cut my life away. I listen to music that I did when I was cutting. I read books that I did when I was cutting. I look at pictures of fresh cuts. I come in here, and read the Non-Self Harm calendar. I'm a freak.

I wish I could say I don't know why I do this. But I do. I want to cut again. I want to make myself bleed. I don't want to die, but I want to see the blood. I want to know I'm causing those scars. I want to know that I'll have them forever. That I'll be able to remember this time forever. And I want to know what I don't want to be. Fat, ugly, dumb, shy, not helpful.

I wish I could cut.

[ReasonsForWeeping]

your not an idiot cuz i did that i used to be really bad i actually got really bad again recently so im trying to quit again

[FullyAlive]

First things first, you aren't an idiot.

I'm pretty sure we all do it, trigger ourselves. If I'm honest I do it a lot more often than I should. I would advise you try and stop, it'll only make fighting relapse a lot harder. But even whilst you are doing this you are still only cutting every couple of months. That in itself shows just how strong you are, hold on to that. When you feel weak and want to give in remind yourself how hard it has been to get here. You don't want to go back to that. Every urge you get that you don't act upon it's an achievement, be proud of yourself. And do whatever you have to do not to go back there.

[Alexithymia]

Thanks. It just doesn't seem right - for me to trigger myself. I shouldn't want to be triggered. But I still do it.

[Amaryllis]

Mark. You don't deserve what you're doing to yourself, nor do you deserve what you want to do to yourself. Cutting never solves anything, you know that. Blood is just blood, it will not wash away the pain, you will still hurt, you will still feel like shiz. You'll just do it again and again and again and yes, the scars may seem beautiful now, it won't be later. What will you tell your parents, were they to find out? Friends? Children if you choose to have those?

Do you really want to do this forever, Mark? You've come so far. I am so, so proud of you. I have a huge amount of respect for you, sweetheart.

I wish I could do more for you. I haven't been cutting as much lately because I just lock myself in my room so i don't have to face my parents. Sachal and Tim make me smile and stuff, too and that just gets me through most of it. Even if they don't know it. I hope I make you smile. If you ever need it, just bug me ;)

If you recover, you'll be free, Mark. You can work on recovering from your eating disorders as well. And you know I'm always here to help with your ED. They're terrible. Skinny isn't worth the consequences. No one can bring you down without your consent, Mark.

We have one chance at life, but if you do it right, once is enough.

[Fiction]

You're not an idiot. I know exactly how you feel. A lot of the time I feel the same.

I guess there's always going to be a difference between what you want at that very moment, and what you know is best for you in the long run. Sometimes it's too easy to give into what you want at that moment, because you get the rewards straight away, and you're fed up of waiting. We all do it, and we all think it.

All I can say is keep going. Those odd few slip ups are nothing compared to going that long without doing it regularly. You're doing really well and one day it'll all be completely behind you. :)

[Alexithymia]

Thanks. I guess I just need to get over this. I found another cutter. Sort of. But I can't talk to her, sadly. So I'm still on my own. Thanks for the help. I'll get over it. :)