I really dont know what to do.

[letluvbleedred]

Okay so what happened was. My step dad choked my mom the other week. The cops were called and everything. He didnt go to jail, he was just "recomended to leave the house" by the cops. This just so happened to be the day before my grandparent came from Ohio to visit (I live in VA).

My mom took him back. I stopped talking to him. And honestly i think my moms stupid as crap for taking him back.

Today my mom gave my and my sister a talk. Saying that we were being disrespectful. And he provides for us (mom doesn't work/ i have 5 other siblings) and blah blah.

She was like if your not willing to get past what happened and make things work she can call my grandparents and i can stay with them, even though it would pain me. Then she started crying.

My question is should i ? I really dont want to hurt her, or leave but i dont think i can deal with this anymore. Ive thought about leaving before but now that its come up, i dont know if i have the guts to. Plz help :(

[DerBear]

Hiya my friends parents went through a patch like this constant aruguing and phsical contact and they got passed it. But they were lucky. The obvious reason he was not sent to jail was because your mum did not press charges, but they do and enforce a recomended tempory sepparation for the sake of the children.

Law aside. now to answer your questions.

Honestly No. when someone goes through this they want to leave but they dont, some people feel the emotional pull others see the strenth in numbers. Its a case of, do you want to leave your mum and you answered no. its also good that you stay with your mum i mean what if you all leave and its just they 2 alone when things are on the edge..It wont just be a chase of a choke next time. and if theres no one to stop the fight rising...you see the pic. Honestly if you stay with your mum you can support her also talk to your step dad try and find out why he did it and if he will do it again. Also theres the possiblity of your mum seeing the finacial loss if he goes as he provides for you guys so thats another contribuiting factor. Stay with your mum give support and help the family you will feel better for it and so will your mum.

If you need to talk im here.

SilverWolf

[Jagador]

Hiya my friends parents went through a patch like this constant aruguing and phsical contact and they got passed it. But they were lucky. The obvious reason he was not sent to jail was because your mum did not press charges, but they do and enforce a recomended tempory sepparation for the sake of the children.

Law aside. now to answer your questions.

Honestly No. when someone goes through this they want to leave but they dont, some people feel the emotional pull others see the strenth in numbers. Its a case of, do you want to leave your mum and you answered no. its also good that you stay with your mum i mean what if you all leave and its just they 2 alone when things are on the edge..It wont just be a chase of a choke next time. and if theres no one to stop the fight rising...you see the pic. Honestly if you stay with your mum you can support her also talk to your step dad try and find out why he did it and if he will do it again. Also theres the possiblity of your mum seeing the finacial loss if he goes as he provides for you guys so thats another contribuiting factor. Stay with your mum give support and help the family you will feel better for it and so will your mum.

If you need to talk im here.

SilverWolf

Though your thoughts on this is of sincerity, it is not advised to only give support.

Though i know this is something between your dad and your mom, a family can not tolerate domestic abuse. Since you are still under the age this is very traumatizing and child services can take you away if they are informed of the situation. When it comes to it, if this choking or attack happens again, the police are to look for any signs of injury, mark, or something where the strike of attack was. If there is a mark, they must take away your father, even if your mother says no, it is the law that is visible harm is shown, for authoritative action be required.

Your mother is in position where she wants to escape from him, but can't because she is not financially ready, nor will be since she is dependent on your father. Therefore, if you speak ill of him or try to convince her of leaving, she will bark and take your father's side.

If you want to move with your grandparents, thats up to you. I personally would to get away from the violence, and make your parents rethink their actions. You are old enough to make your own decision, doesn't matter what your parents say. However, since you do not wish to leave her side is totally up to you, but you must be ready to face the consequences that follow for staying.

I have another suggestion, but i know when many read it, they will disagree with it. I do as well, but it is a sure way to end it all. Interfere with the situation, do your best to break it up. A family problem is your problem since it is greatly affecting you as well, and your other siblings. If harm were to come to any of the children, involve the police, call child services, have him put away, and have you all live with other family members until the situation is resolved. No one likes to do this, as it is of great embarassment at the time of initiation. However, all this must be push to the gutter if you want to live a happy life free of any form of abuse, whether it be verbal or physical.

Since you have 5 other siblings, whether they are younger of older, gather together, and plan. Make it a serious problem, and a serious conversation. The children have a voice, and their voice is greater than that of their parents when forged together.

[SeanM1997]

My friends parents were the same, except his mom filed for a divorce and a restraining order. They ended up back together and all, but with your parents I think you need to stay to ensure nothing like that happens again, and if you personally see it, call the cops and have him forcefully removed from the house and sent to jail. It is abuse for this to happen, the cops should be fired becuas they did nothing. At least fine him. Now my opinion can be different from others, but what he did is wrong and he should be punished with a fine or a day or two in county jail.

[Jagador]

My friends parents were the same, except his mom filed for a divorce and a restraining order. They ended up back together and all, but with your parents I think you need to stay to ensure nothing like that happens again, and if you personally see it, call the cops and have him forcefully removed from the house and sent to jail. It is abuse for this to happen, the cops should be fired becuas they did nothing. At least fine him. Now my opinion can be different from others, but what he did is wrong and he should be punished with a fine or a day or two in county jail.

He can not be put into jail for domestic abuse if the wife does not wish it so. HOWEVER, if there are physical signs of harm, such as a bruise from the choking, then he can be put to prison.

[DerBear]

Though your thoughts on this is of sincerity, it is not advised to only give support.

Though i know this is something between your dad and your mom, a family can not tolerate domestic abuse. Since you are still under the age this is very traumatizing and child services can take you away if they are informed of the situation. When it comes to it, if this choking or attack happens again, the police are to look for any signs of injury, mark, or something where the strike of attack was. If there is a mark, they must take away your father, even if your mother says no, it is the law that is visible harm is shown, for authoritative action be required.

Your mother is in position where she wants to escape from him, but can't because she is not financially ready, nor will be since she is dependent on your father. Therefore, if you speak ill of him or try to convince her of leaving, she will bark and take your father's side.

If you want to move with your grandparents, thats up to you. I personally would to get away from the violence, and make your parents rethink their actions. You are old enough to make your own decision, doesn't matter what your parents say. However, since you do not wish to leave her side is totally up to you, but you must be ready to face the consequences that follow for staying.

I have another suggestion, but i know when many read it, they will disagree with it. I do as well, but it is a sure way to end it all. Interfere with the situation, do your best to break it up. A family problem is your problem since it is greatly affecting you as well, and your other siblings. If harm were to come to any of the children, involve the police, call child services, have him put away, and have you all live with other family members until the situation is resolved. No one likes to do this, as it is of great embarassment at the time of initiation. However, all this must be push to the gutter if you want to live a happy life free of any form of abuse, whether it be verbal or physical.

Since you have 5 other siblings, whether they are younger of older, gather together, and plan. Make it a serious problem, and a serious conversation. The children have a voice, and their voice is greater than that of their parents when forged together.

I agree with what you have said my post mainly covered the support angle.

I think its best to let the parents sort this out as only your mum or dad can sort this issue.

I hope everything works out for you. I also feel sorry for the fact that kids are involved as it makes it a lot harder, I just hope im never in that kinda position.

Best of luck

SilverWolf ~ Derri

[letluvbleedred]

Thanks everyone for the help. I really appreciate it. :)

[Spook]

its also good that you stay with your mum i mean what if you all leave and its just they 2 alone when things are on the edge..It wont just be a chase of a choke next time. and if theres no one to stop the fight rising...you see the pic. Honestly if you stay with your mum you can support her

I don't agree. It is no minor's job to act as protection...or have any responsibility over a parent. The reason why there are higher forces involved is to keep you safe. I recommend that you call someone...or have your mom try to get legal help to keep him away from your family. It is your job...in this situation...to get yourself safe...and the rest of your siblings.

[letluvbleedred]

She said that she loves him and if he does it again then shes going to leave him. Apparentily he is taking anger managment to "get better". I tried to explain to her just cuz he does doesn't mean that he will. She said that she wants all of us to be a perfect family again. I dont think we were ever a close family, never mind perfect. She talked to my siblings of 12,10 and 8, and they all said that they were going to change and get over what happened to be a better family. I want things to be okay again but honestly i dont think that will EVER happen. Opinions?

[letluvbleedred]

OKay so my mom called me into the kitchen to do the dishes. As she was leaving she said that she was serious about what she had said and that she was going to ask me again by the time the week is up what my decision is. I thought about what was going on and i felt sick. I actually accured to me that she was willing to let me go so that she could keep him. It took all my will power to wait till i could get back to my room to cry. I feel so... god i cant even explain it. The more kids she had the less attention i got. I know that sounds pathetic and jealous but i need a mom to. One of my worst fears are coming true. Being alone, my dad was never in the picture and i was losing my mom. Now im wondering if i could just give up? Maybe i can be happy if i leave. Why stay for her if she is willing to give me up?

[Shenron]

I think your mom is trying to look at the bigger picture. I mean, she doesn't work, and there are 4 kids to take care of. She is trying to decide what is best for the entire family. Everyone slips up now and then. I am in no way condoning what your father did, however, I am saying that it could be best to just try and forgive him for it and move on. I know this will be hard but I think you should give it a shot. Also, I know that my mom loves me and she cares for me, but she has told me that I could go live with my grandma if I wanted to because of my dad's emotional abuse. It would kill her if I left, but she wants me to do what is best for me. Look at it like this: your mom is not wanting to give you up, but rather willing to do so if you want her to. At least she is letting you make the decision.

As for what your dad did, if he ever does it again then you need to tell your mother to get out. Things like that only get worse if they go unpunished and untreated.

[letluvbleedred]

Now my mom has stopped talking to me.

[Jagador]

She said that she loves him and if he does it again then shes going to leave him. Apparentily he is taking anger managment to "get better". I tried to explain to her just cuz he does doesn't mean that he will. She said that she wants all of us to be a perfect family again. I dont think we were ever a close family, never mind perfect. She talked to my siblings of 12,10 and 8, and they all said that they were going to change and get over what happened to be a better family. I want things to be okay again but honestly i dont think that will EVER happen. Opinions?

If you father says he is taking anger management classes, the odds are slim, BUT he could be for all we know, and i will say he is until you can give us solid confirmation he is. My mom said the same thing about leaving him, and she actually did to better my living quarters as it is the most constructive place so long as my dad is here. I don't know how long your parents have been married, but the fact they have been married in the first place shows undying love, even in the toughest and roughest of times. As for your siblings, 10 and 8, still young to know what they really want given the situation. Usually times like these, younger siblings will bend to their parents will to make them happy, and hope to make the whole family happy by staying together. Sadly, staying together is not always the best for the family, sometimes being apart is the answer, as terrible as it sounds

OKay so my mom called me into the kitchen to do the dishes. As she was leaving she said that she was serious about what she had said and that she was going to ask me again by the time the week is up what my decision is. I thought about what was going on and i felt sick. I actually accured to me that she was willing to let me go so that she could keep him. It took all my will power to wait till i could get back to my room to cry. I feel so... god i cant even explain it. The more kids she had the less attention i got. I know that sounds pathetic and jealous but i need a mom to. One of my worst fears are coming true. Being alone, my dad was never in the picture and i was losing my mom. Now im wondering if i could just give up? Maybe i can be happy if i leave. Why stay for her if she is willing to give me up?

She is looking at more than a short term solution. If she is willing to..hmmm, lets say adjust the situation to her likings, such as allowing their child to make a tough and uncertain decision, certainly shows they want whats best for the kid. No parent wants to simply let them go for the husband. After all, you incubated in her for 9 months, she is your flesh and blood. She wants whats best, and if you think moving out is best, then so be it. The only thing you must do though, is keep your relationship with her as is and improve it while you are gone if moving out is your decision.


As for what your dad did, if he ever does it again then you need to tell your mother to get out. Things like that only get worse if they go unpunished and untreated.

Sadly, the mother will hardly listen to their children on aspects like these (personal experience). Until they finally hit a rock and come to their senses. This will take time, even though it may have been years, it takes a lot longer because they are in denial, or they are too afraid of the outcome of the situation.

Now my mom has stopped talking to me.

Initiate conversation. If she continues to ignore you, keep pushing that button until you get a response.

In all honesty, i think you should take a break from the whole situation. Move in with a relative for a few days or a week and cool your britches and then come back. Usually moving away from the family helps calm things down greatly for yourself, and that way you are not overwhelmed with the situation and you can think with a clear and functioning mind that is not pressed and picked at by the current situation at home.