My mother..

[alley]

So my mum and mine relationship has completely broken down. She verbally abuses me; with insults such as 'waste of space', 'wish you were dead', 'evil little f**ker' etc, And i've been hearing these insults since I was born. Sometimes, she hits me, threatens too hit me, beat me up, and she sometimes locks me outside in the dark for time, so i can't get inside and do homwork or go in my room or anything. These are just a few of the things shes done to me.

My mum has a personality disorder, and has often bi-poplar symptoms. I have always accepted this as normal family life therefore. But after speaking to friends and such I realised it wasn't.
My mum never tries to change, she doesn't even want too. She just continues to rip down my confidence and self-esteem. My father, always feels stuck in the middle but works 24/7 so does not often hear of these frequent rows and my mum's abuse. And when he does, he watches, and never defends me, even though afterwards he will agree my mother was unjust. He just says its something I need to learn to ignore and deal with, that is how my mother is and she isn't changing.

I have no siblings, as my mum never wanted me anyway, which something she also tells me consistantly; 'I wish you'd never been born', and 'I wish you were dead'. So I was kinda mistake. She had a messed up childhood herself and vowed never to have kids, till she met my dad. So it's not like I could talk to a brother/sister.
Sometimes she threatens to kill herself, but in graphic detail; explaining how she'd cut all up her wrists and give me her blood, and then announces, 'then would you be happy?!'

You're probably thinking I do something to provoke this, but all in all, I am a typical teen, who you would expect to have arguments with parents from time to time, but not like this..Before, I wasn't even a bad kid, I would come in on curfew, never skip class, do all homework, etc. But she's driven me over now. I'm failing school, I've done alot of reckless things recently, i've skipped class, and started drinking abit. And all because i see no point anymore. If i'm not her perfect girl then I don't know why i'm even conforming.

I've had this torment from her my whole life. And i've realised that is what gets me down so often. Her abuse. My self harm, is all linked back to her. She makes me feel useless. Speaking of which, when my dad told her about my self harm she flipped out, and now thinks im disgusting.
I just can't take it anymore. I hate her. And i'm not lying. The sight of her face annoys me.
I just don't care for her anymore. Now, we've reached a stage where we don't speak, except when we have too, and even then, its forced, and we often argue. and i guess i'm cool with that thou, cause there is in general less arguments.

the one thing i cant get my head round is how she doesnt care. How she is happy just watching me slip away from her, and how she just makes things worse.
when im 16, i want to move out and get away from this.
i just wondered if anyone else has had problems with their parents that led them to feel so useless?

and the worst part is now, i dont even feel sad that shes almost gone, our relationship is over, i kinda feel relieved. i miss having a mother figure; but i dont miss her..

[Magenta]

My mother once took a knife out in the kitchen in the midst of a fight and held it to her throat saying she'd kill herself to make me happy. When I freaked out, she put it away and said she'd never give me the satisfaction and that it was just a 'joke'. I moved away the same day.

I understand how you must feel. I had the advantage of divorced parents so I had somewhere to go. I had my step-siblings but I couldn't talk to them. They love their mum and can't imagine how I could have hated mine. I'm now living with her again but I've learned to deal with her.

The thing is, your mum is sick. Unfortunately, if she doesn't want to get better, she won't. You can't change other people and I think you know that. I went through the same thing, having a mother who made me feel utterly worthless from the start. It seems cliche but no one can hurt you without your permission. I started ignoring my mum. That's how I get by now that my dad kicked me out and I have to live here.

It's strained now. We're like roommates. We stay out of each other's way, talk only when necessary and still argue a lot. I miss having a mother. I never had much of a mother figure in my step-mother. But you can keep going. You can pick your friends but not your family... but when you get older, you'll make new family. Close friends sometimes are better than those you're related to.

I don't know if she doesn't care. I think she doesn't know how to care. It just sounds like she's so sick that she simply doesn't know how. She may not know she's doing anything wrong. It's sad and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

If you ever need to talk/complain about her/vent/etc, my email and other contact info is on my profile. Extra hugs for this one!

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