Magenta
October 19th, 2011, 03:37 PM
[Block of text warning. Turn back now if you're not one for long reads. >_<
I have no doubt in my mind now that I truly am asexual. I cannot express how terrible it makes me feel though. Sure, I probably don't have much of a problem compared to gays and bisexuals who openly receive hatred from others... but still.
I was never interested in boys when I was younger. Or girls. Even through middle school, I had small crushes on people but it just didn't feel... like anything really. I figured I was just a 'late bloomer' compared to some of my friends. However, it's been made pretty clear since then that I'm not just some 'late bloomer'. It's just a gut feeling I have that this will never change. I hate it. I try to argue with myself that I'm too young to know but the rest of me says otherwise, that I do know.
Today, my friends were discussing a friend of ours and his girlfriend. They were sort of laughing at how the two of them are constantly making out. It made me think of my reaction to PDAs. I cannot- and I mean cannot- witness a couple kissing anywhere. I look away as soon as possible and make an effort to get away from them. My friends asked if it was because I found kissing disgusting. I had to think about it.
I don't really. There's nothing wrong with it. I think my issue with it is more mental. If I see someone kissing... I feel like I should connect in some way. I feel like when friends talk about how good it felt to kiss someone they care about and they look at me like 'oh, well, you know the feeling' but I don't. Not because I haven't been kissed. I have plenty of experience with it but when I think back to it, I'm completely apathetic. It's like there's something wrong with me... that I'm not interested. It's like something that should react has been shut off. I just don't respond to it. I also have no interest in going farther than that. None whatsoever. The idea leaves me rather put off by it all.
A couple people have suggested it's because I was not emotionally invested in the relationship but I was. Very much so. I'm not aromantic. I have dated and want to still. Of course, this has its own problems because who would want to date an asexual girl? Honestly, probably no one. They'd get frustrated (for obvious reasons and also that most people don't seem to understand my asexuality) and I have enough self-respect to not do anything I don't want just so someone would stay with me.
Sorry if this is long, by the way. My sexuality has just been under debate for so long that now that I feel like I've found my answer and am still not happy with it, I'm rather stressed.
Anyway, I'm just not sure anymore. I am very open about my sexuality, I don't mind telling people. No one minds, they're mostly just confused. The whole issue is my own, not feeling okay with myself. I feel like something is actually wrong with me. Girls I know talk about how 'hot' or 'cute' a guy is and go into detail about every physical detail they're attracted to. I just sit there like an idiot. Sure, I find people... attractive but in an observational way. If there's a guy I like and he's good-looking, I can see that. It's just like some sort of connection I should otherwise have is gone. I'm out of place. It's like I'm not a proper human.
I hate it. I fucking hate having another reason to be so different. I hate the nagging feeling that I'll always be alone or that I'm missing something. Isn't love something everyone looks for? When I say love, I mean the whole thing. Emotional and physical. But I only have half. For the record, don't take my feeling of something missing as some hidden physical drive or whatever. It's just something I've always been around with other people and while I have no interest whatsoever... it's that lack of interest that makes me incredibly disconnected from other people.
Anyone else ever felt like this? (Sorry if this was confusing. I've been all over the place lately, emotionally and coherently. Also, this is a bit of an... awkward topic for me to talk about. Sexuality was never a big deal for me until the last few years when I started dating and I don't usually post here.)
I have no doubt in my mind now that I truly am asexual. I cannot express how terrible it makes me feel though. Sure, I probably don't have much of a problem compared to gays and bisexuals who openly receive hatred from others... but still.
I was never interested in boys when I was younger. Or girls. Even through middle school, I had small crushes on people but it just didn't feel... like anything really. I figured I was just a 'late bloomer' compared to some of my friends. However, it's been made pretty clear since then that I'm not just some 'late bloomer'. It's just a gut feeling I have that this will never change. I hate it. I try to argue with myself that I'm too young to know but the rest of me says otherwise, that I do know.
Today, my friends were discussing a friend of ours and his girlfriend. They were sort of laughing at how the two of them are constantly making out. It made me think of my reaction to PDAs. I cannot- and I mean cannot- witness a couple kissing anywhere. I look away as soon as possible and make an effort to get away from them. My friends asked if it was because I found kissing disgusting. I had to think about it.
I don't really. There's nothing wrong with it. I think my issue with it is more mental. If I see someone kissing... I feel like I should connect in some way. I feel like when friends talk about how good it felt to kiss someone they care about and they look at me like 'oh, well, you know the feeling' but I don't. Not because I haven't been kissed. I have plenty of experience with it but when I think back to it, I'm completely apathetic. It's like there's something wrong with me... that I'm not interested. It's like something that should react has been shut off. I just don't respond to it. I also have no interest in going farther than that. None whatsoever. The idea leaves me rather put off by it all.
A couple people have suggested it's because I was not emotionally invested in the relationship but I was. Very much so. I'm not aromantic. I have dated and want to still. Of course, this has its own problems because who would want to date an asexual girl? Honestly, probably no one. They'd get frustrated (for obvious reasons and also that most people don't seem to understand my asexuality) and I have enough self-respect to not do anything I don't want just so someone would stay with me.
Sorry if this is long, by the way. My sexuality has just been under debate for so long that now that I feel like I've found my answer and am still not happy with it, I'm rather stressed.
Anyway, I'm just not sure anymore. I am very open about my sexuality, I don't mind telling people. No one minds, they're mostly just confused. The whole issue is my own, not feeling okay with myself. I feel like something is actually wrong with me. Girls I know talk about how 'hot' or 'cute' a guy is and go into detail about every physical detail they're attracted to. I just sit there like an idiot. Sure, I find people... attractive but in an observational way. If there's a guy I like and he's good-looking, I can see that. It's just like some sort of connection I should otherwise have is gone. I'm out of place. It's like I'm not a proper human.
I hate it. I fucking hate having another reason to be so different. I hate the nagging feeling that I'll always be alone or that I'm missing something. Isn't love something everyone looks for? When I say love, I mean the whole thing. Emotional and physical. But I only have half. For the record, don't take my feeling of something missing as some hidden physical drive or whatever. It's just something I've always been around with other people and while I have no interest whatsoever... it's that lack of interest that makes me incredibly disconnected from other people.
Anyone else ever felt like this? (Sorry if this was confusing. I've been all over the place lately, emotionally and coherently. Also, this is a bit of an... awkward topic for me to talk about. Sexuality was never a big deal for me until the last few years when I started dating and I don't usually post here.)