dead
October 18th, 2011, 12:25 PM
I'm sorry if this post is rather long. I've always thought of committing suicide multiple times per day, everyday, for years. I never actually do it though, since I am almost completely sure I'd have serious permanent negative impact on the few people I actually care about more than anything. I've always been depressed for what seems to be possibly five or more years. I never really made many friends none the less keep them, the only friend I actually have kept for awhile without being forced to be friends is a kid named Robert. My relationship with Robert is a very, complicated one. We're very close yet we never mention any emotional and mental problems to each other directly. We however do notice when there are emotional and/or mental problems present. Other than him I don't really have any old friends. Old being far into my past. I always remember lots of shit from when I was just, very depressed. When I say very depressed I am actually refering to a few years back where I eventually gave up on even walking and moving. In school I basically cared less and less every year till I did nothing, came maybe three days over the span of two weeks and came to school halfway through the day. I never had friends, I barely talked to anyone and I didnt know what to say. The time I spent at high school was me laying down for two hours on a bench or just walking around for two hours till I went to class did nothing, was in a class full of people beyond stupid with behavioral problems and two fucking pricks, 6 in total for most of the classes. One of my teachers tried to get me expelled the year before. I'm sorry if any of this makes no sense. I've been in five psych wards if I'm not mistaken, was supposed to go to outpatient, but I never did. If I used drugs to cope I wouldn't have crashed into a thousand pieces so early, though eventually I would, instead what I did to cope was nothing. I did nothing to cope which caused me to give up on everything, I gave up on thinking. At that point I can honestly and truthfully say I felt no emotion. I feel emotion now though, took awhile for me to get here though, oddly enough I wish I was how I used to be. Emotionless, truly emotionless, I'd be doing nothing all day, but I wouldn't be crying and yelling and cursing and contemplating suicide all the time and anger, and empathy and sorrow and alienated and all that shit. I skipped school today and eventually I ended up in the kitchen pouring my eyes and my mother, I dont know exactly what happened, we argued, some reason I started crying really bad, she made me tea, I washed my face with cold water, then we had a very calm disscussion. about life and all that jazz. However all that crying did help a lot. In the short term at least. I have flashbacks of a few things, some of the flashbacks are of a old friend, I have never had so much hate towards anyone else as I have towards this old friend. It's my own fault that I hate them, I hate them because I trusted them and it turned out they were exactly what I thought they were not. I also have flashbacks of one particular psych ward. I usually don't talk to people, hell I talk more than ten folds the amount I talk to people in person online. I am more than talkative when I feel relatively safe. I rarely feel relatively safe. I stay in doors most of the time and I absolutely despise humidity and it's very humid where I live with barely any wind. Hell I'm writing this post because someone kept telling me to do it. They however are probably right. My own time is usually spent on technology. I play too many video games, I can code, I love computers, though I do not have my own if I were to get one I would probably have to get a job, which I can not get. My grandma got me a Android phone which is why I am willing to post this. For today I am good but starting tomorrow I won't be like this. I leave my house at 8:50 AM for school and I get home at roughly 5:30 PM with no traffic. My school however is not a normal school though it is a public school, but they have residence there which is part of clinical side and the other part is school they are both intertwined, but the main difference is where their funding comes from. Clinical is state and school is county. You can either be put in to residence by your parents or by a judge putting you there for a certain amount of time. Most of the staff at my school don't give two shits about students or the rules that apply to them. There are tons of rules for students that dont exist in any of the other public schools in this county and they are heavily enforced. Only a few of the therapists give a shit. I got switched from my old therapist (the only therapist I like) to someone who I hate having as a therapist. There are also these stupid fucking contracts, which by default you need a escort. There is however free food, but I dont like shit like fried chickan. School just depresses me ever so much and I'm failing most of my classes, the school just drives me insane. By the time I get home I feel incredibly sick and exhausted. I binge all the time, it helps me not think about life and reality. I have maybe five to ten friendss that I have within my area (Virginia, Maryland, and DC). I don't even talk much to people online. I just badly need something to keep me going. Yeah my life is shit and it probably always will be, but I need a reason to keep myself alive and take care of myself.