Letter to yourself

[Fiction]

I all of a sudden got the inspiration for this thread from thinking back to before I started cutting. What would I say to myself?

So yeah this thread is for writing a letter to your younger self, from before you started cutting. I guess this might be useful in reminding yourself of all the reasons you wish you hadn't started, and therefore the reasons to stop. Or if you're reading this and have never cut, all the reasons why you shouldn't start.

To 14 year old Kathy,

I know you've not been happy for a few years now, and I know that you don't even really know why. I know that all you want is for something to get better, but this isn't the escape. I know it won't seem like it now but this is something that's going to last years. It won't stay as just small cuts either, you'll end up going deeper and you will end up with scars. Scars that make you paranoid to wear short sleeves around anyone but those closest to you.

It's not just the scars you have to worry about though. Self- harm will push you further to the edge than you've ever been. It'll help you develop an eating disorder, it'll push you to the point of wanting to die, and you'll try that too. You'll end up in hospital, and counselling, and you'll feel like the messed up one of your family. You're self-esteem will hit rock bottom and you'll end up falling apart. It's easier to never break than to put yourself back together.

Love 16 year old Kathy

So your turn :)

[Trying-but-failing]

Haha i have done this before. Geuss im not the only one

[Bath]

Dear 14 year old Bethany,

You don't know it, but you are so beautiful. You don't know what you will eventually become. Don't forget how much you love dancing, how much you love wearing rainbow colours, how you say things and how you love the fuck out of your friends. All of that changes and you become an empty, cold shell. I'm trying to get back to you. I'm trying to become warm again. You don't know how lucky you are.

It's not worth it. That first slash on your arm, out of anger, it's not worth it. I'm sorry you're going to have to go through that. I'm sorry.

Hold onto Zach. Hold onto Alexa, Vivi, Alyssa, and all the rest. They're the best friends you're ever going to have, I'm sorry you're going to have to lose them. I'm sorry your depression is going to take over.

Keep trying. Keep your head up, keep listening to your music, keep dying your hair and buying pretty things. Keep not giving a shit about what the others say. You're eccentric and it's so gorgeous.

I don't know what happened. I miss you.

Love, 16 year old Bethany.

[Magenta]

I may have a couple for this. Different ages were slightly different seeing as I've been self-harming almost my entire life in some way or another. Nice idea, Kathy. ^_^

2002:
Dear seven-year-old Jo,

I know things have been rough. I know you've been wondering if Mummy really loves you. Things may seem bleak but it won't be like this forever. Mummy does love you, she's just sick and has a funny way of showing it. Don't wonder what it would be like if you'd never been born. You're such a lovely, intelligent little girl. You don't have to disfigure your face to take out your anger. You hurt inside but you don't have to hurt on the outside too. Hating what you see in the mirror won't help you. You're so beautiful as you are... don't ruin that.

Love, sixteen-year-old Jo.

2010:
Dear fifteen year old Jo,

What are you doing? Don't you remember the last time? When you were thirteen? You spent two years fading those scars on your hands. You knew that it was a mistake. Why would you make it worse? Think about those scars you had then... do you really want more? What if it's no longer just your hands and face? What about everywhere else? You've done so much work to heal on the outside, don't do this again.

What Mummy did was horrible, yes, but it's no reason for you to hurt yourself like this. You've had so much pain for so long, I know. This isn't the answer though. You know that. I know the past times... you were young. You didn't realise what you were doing. The other times? Impulse. But this time it is a choice. A conscious decision. Are you really going to choose this after everything you've already been through?

You can get help. Your life won't be like this forever. Just survive. You're so strong to have made it this far.

Love, sixteen-year-old Jo.

[Amaryllis]

This is a great idea, Kathy :) This is a little hard for me because even though I didn't cut till I was about 8, 9 or 10, I've always been a biter, scratcher, hitter, head-banger... So... Okay.

Dear 5 year old me,
Remember how you would do your homework the moment you arrived home, before anything else? You would wake up early every morning to make mama's breakfast. You tried so hard to be perfect then. You still do.

I know you feel ugly and fat. Your relatives are cruel; they seem to hate you so, so much, when you just want to be loved. They're just jealous. That doesn't seem possible but they are. People are cruel but maybe one day you'll find someone who isn't.

Dear 7 year old me,
It's not your fault. All he ever says are lies. One day you'll leave him, you can't let him win. You're stronger than this, you're doing better than you think you are. Mama's hurting, that's why she hurts you.

The loneliness seems unbearable, I know but you'll feel like this for a while. Perhaps, you always will but you don't need anyone to survive. You can get by on your own. Friends and boyfriends come and go, you're stuck with yourself for the rest of your life.

Dear 10 year old me,
One day, you decide you've had enough. You're tired. You tell your mum. She gets angry. You know this is wrong. You need help. The cutting has gone on for years. You beg for help, you want a psychologist. Mama hits you. She demands you get out of the car. She doesn't want you anymore.

Next thing you know, mama's dying. You're not sad and that makes you feel guilty. You fill the bathtub with water, you lie there, facedown. The water presses down, your lungs burn. You try to drown.

You don't.

[AlmostHomeless]

Dear 10 year old Stephen,

Get help now. You think you are clever by hiding it and making up excuses. You can't do this forever. You need to be honest and come clean. It won't always be like this, it gets worse, like some kind of cruel torture. Don't let it get that far, you don't deserve it. You may be happy now but it will make you miserable later on. It's not okay to be afraid of yourself. Don't wait till later to deal with it.

I feel kinda stupid writing myself but I can see why doing this can be helpful.

[Tristin.]

Dear 9 year old self
I know this will be hard for you to understand and i know that right now you are confused. I know that you keep asking yourself why you dont see your parents as much as all the other kids do, i know you think its your fault, but it's not. When your older, your going to do some silly things in order to see your parents, but understand that in their own weird way, they love you.
Chin up little man, have fun, your about to go to school and your about to start the best time of your life.
Yours forever Txxx

Dear 12 year old self
Well, you've figured it out, congratulations, yes sir, your gay. I know your scared at this point, i know you are terrified of what fin will say after his comment of: "gays creep me out, im glad your not gay tris" but dont worry, he knows your gay, its obvious, you'll learn it always has been, he said it to make you come out. You will loose a friend over coming out, but thats as bad as it gets, your going to gain so many friends and your going to meet a boy who will change your life.
Chin up little man, wait for that assembly; it will change your life.
Yours forever Txxx
P.s. keep staring at him!

Dear 15 year old self
You are a moron. Im being harsh because harsh is what you need right now. Remember those silly things i told you you were going to do? yes? good, because your about to do them. Don't. Yes your lost your boy, yes the lack of your parents is now boring deeper into you and yes your hitting rock bottom, but how does the old saying go? "the night is darkest just before the dawn" So whatever you do, do not do these silly things your planning on doing, talk to your brother more, join a site called Virtualteen, it will help.
I can't call you little man anymore can i, so here is a nickname you'll grow to suite. Chin up Barbie-boy, things will get better.
Forever yours Txxx

[georgiamay]

I love this idea Kathy :) Let's see.... *thinks*


Dear 12 year old Georgia,

You really don't know what you're getting yourself into. Sure, everyone goes through a rebellious stage, that's fine. But please know that no matter what you do, nothing will take away that feeling that you try so hard to numb. I know it's been there for years, but whatever you do to make it go away, it will always come back, and each time it just gets worse. You don't know what to do, because it's eating you alive and it has been for a few years now, but these self destructive things you're doing are going to make it worse, and you'll soon end up hating yourself and wishing you didn't exist.

The morning you wake up and knock that picture frame over, don't pick up the glass. Sweep it up and put it in the bin and don't think twice about what it would feel like. You'll end up doing it every now and then to give you a few minutes of pleasent numbness, but soon you'll be craving it every other second. You won't be able to go a day without having a blade with you, just in case. You'll have scars that will be there forever, and you'll probably have a hard time explaining them in the future.

Enough depressing talk though, I should tell you now that things do get better. You'll get help, and you'll learn to deal with things. The dreams slowly stop, and you can get through the day without wishing you'd fall asleep and never wake up.

To be honest, maybe you'd never get help if you hadn't started self harming. I guess we'll never know. If you hadn't started self harming, your parents would never have known there was a problem, and you never would have gotten help. Maybe in some ways, it's a good thing.

But, if you'd never started, you wouldn't have all these scars. Maybe you would have gotten help some other way. Maybe you wouldn't even have needed help if you hadn't made that first cut, it might have gone away on it's own. I guess I'll never know now.

I suppose it really is all up to you. But whatever happens, know that it can always get better. You're lucky enough to have parents that love you, and who will do whatever they can to help you through anything, you are loved.

Everything that you think about in those few minutes before you go to sleep, that's not your fault. Always know that it's not your fault.

Your sincerely, 16 year old Georgia.

[Megson]

Dear 12 year-old Megan,

I see you're in pain. I know that you're suffering. You feel like no one sees you. You feel like no one will ever love you. You feel like your family doesn't appreciate you and that they would all be better without you. You have so many questions you can't answer. You're alone and no one is there to help you.

Don't listen to yourself! Those voices telling you you're useless and ugly are lying. You're beautiful in your own unique way. You can go far, Megan. I know you can. Don't give in to the pain. Stop scratching your arms. Don't touch that knife. You can get through it without cutting. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Don't scar your body forever to deal with the temporary pain you're feeling inside.

Love, 16 year-old Megan.

[Blue63]

Dear 15 year-old Matt,

You like the idea, I know you do. I know you tried it in a moment of weakness, because you felt you had nowhere else to turn. I know you thought it felt better than anything else. I know you thought it made you who you were. I know you thought it made you stronger. It did, maybe. You cut a few times then swore off it. You thought it was over. You thought you conquered them. They were battle scars against your fight against depression. You were wrong, love.

You put the idea into your head. You locked it in a cage, found happiness. You repressed it. When the shackles disappeared a year-and-a-half later, your demon came out roaring. I've cut three times this week. I have scars now. Real scars. It's not worth it. So you naive 15-year-old, don't toy with that idea. It doesn't make you cool, or a rebel, or stronger. It makes you weak and alone. Stop destroying your beauty. Don't indulge it. Now you worry about people seeing scars. About your friends, your family, you've built a barrier because of these scars. So conquer it while you still have a chance. Be smart, use that brain of yours. Put that knife down. Now.

With Love, 17 year-old Matt

[xcheer]

Dear 15 year old Marj,
I know that you've gone through a lot lately and started cutting because of it but there are better ways to cope. Get help before it gets worst.
19 year old Marj

Dear 17 year old Marj,
I know when the whole harassing situation and sexual assault situation happened it brought back some bad memories but you were strong before. Stay Strong.
19 year old Marj

[secretly_secret]

Dear 12-year-old Hannah,
What are you doing? Why are you carving on yourself?
What? You don't know? Yeah, girl, you DON'T know.
Don't start cutting. Life will get worse.
If you cut yourself over the little thing, what will happen when the big things come? What will you do when Caity comes back and Emma stops hanging out with you?

Thirteen is wayy harder, girl.
Live life now. Enjoy it-before it gets worse.

Love,
13-year-old Hannah who has seen too much

[XxfakexX]

Wow, i feel stupid, but okay

Dear 9 year old frances,
I guess im warning you to be cautious. I know mum and dad have been yelling at you alot lately and there scaring you. I also know that scratching help take away everything but it wont change things . You cant blame yourself because it not your fault .

Dear 13 year old me,
Okay i understand your scared. Infact more than scared. Everthing sharp in reach practicly screaming you name. Feeling obligated every night to go upstairs and cut just to take away the feeling. Even when you want to go so deep you will end everything, but you just cant because the kives are so blunt. Its hard i know. Iv been there. You just need pull through and ignore instinct . In the end its just going to hurt you more.

Love 15 year old frances

[Jupiter]

Edit

[ReasonsForWeeping]

Dear 10 year old me i know u dont know why the cuts make u feel better and bring you relief and i know its the only thing you can control i know trust me i do i know it might hush mamas screeching it will lead to deeper cuts it will lead u to hating yourself it will lead to a lighter and a pair of scissors it will lead you to pills it will lead you to depression it will lead u to end of the rode where the numbness lies and the truth sets in where u realize the lies and its going to last for years it will lead you to suicide i know its gonna be tough but remember i get it i know the abuse is hard to work thro but you will make love 16 year old raven

[Alexithymia]

I love it.

Dear Mark,

I know you're young. I know you're depressed, even though you won't admit it. You don't even know it yet, but trust me, you are. And I know you just found out you're gay. Don't worry about that. It gets a lot better. Just... hang out in the Teen Sexuality place for a bit.

But don't even think about alternative forms of getting your emotional pain out. It's not worth it. Really. This may sound strange, but I love you. Heh, that is strange. I love myself. But I don't want to see you hurt. It's not that I don't want to see myself hurt. I just don't want to see you, the young Mark, hurt.

I can't remember if you've met her yet. McKenzie. She's great. Talk to her, when you meet her. She'll change your life. And probably save it, if you go down the path that I did. But never, ever do that. Because you deserve better. You deserve MUCH better. Go find a boyfriend.

And yell at someone. Yell at Abby. Yell at the pillow. Cry on VT. Cry to a friend. Cry to SOMEONE. Because you need it. And don't stop crying until you're happy. That may be a day. That may be a month. But do it. Because you need it.

Love,
Mark.

[CynicalNaivety]

Well this seems like a good way to introduce myself. Besides no use in trying to sleep.

Dear 10 year old Jada,

Hey. Life fucking sucks now doesn't it? The fighting, the drugs and drinking, and the screaming that could rip open ears drums and make the world explode. You try not to cry to be strong for your sister, your friends, and yourself. It's okay to cry sometimes ,though, even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. And I know it hurts so much, and I wished it didn't, but I can't change the past anymore than I can fix the future.
I have something so essential to tell you. Don't do it. Please, just don't. Scream, dance, write read just please don't harm yourself. Talk to somebody. You need it, no 5th grader should go through that much bullshit. You don't know how much I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. Its okay because it makes you nothing more than a stronger person. Stay strong for us, okay?
Love 13 year old Jada

[Love.Hate]

Love this idea Kathy :)


Dear 13 year old Fran.

First off darling your body is beautiful, your thighs are not fat, you are the perfect body weight. Dont listen to what people tell you, form your own judgement upon yourself. Don't let anybody bring you down. You have a bright future ahead of you, you can be anything you want to be. Nothing can stop you. Don't blame yourself for anything that's happening, it's not your fault.

Dry those tears, these girls in years to cone will only be a name. They won't control you, they can't hurt you. When they kick you, don't listen to mum and ignore them, stand up for yourself or it will only get worse. Things have been hard, but you can fight it, you are strong enough. Believe in yourself! You can be happy I promise you.

One day someone is going to love you for who you are, but darling its hard living a life with scars. Please don't pick up that knife, please don't purge. Your body doesn't need to be changed. You are perfect.

I love you, I wish you would have known things will one day be fine. You don't have to cry, they are bitches. They do not deserve your tears. Stand up for yourself, otherwise you will have three more years of hell. It's okay not to be happy, it's okay to want to die sometimes, but don't get to the stage of planning your own death, don't turn to that for answers.

Life always gets better, Fran you will find happiness where you least expect it. Chin up

[LonelyOleander]

Fantastic Idea. :)

Dear 13 year-old Michelle...
Even though you probably wouldn't listen to me, when your world falls apart don't pick up the knife. Don't. It'll only make it worse....you'll only get trapped. Even now, I'm trying to tell someone, to get help.
Don't make the mistakes I did. I only hope my mistakes can help someone else.
With love,
Me

[DarkHorses]

Dear 13 year old Amanda,

Don't let other people have such an impact on your life. Don't be afraid to be yourself.Your family is the most important thing, and so is your faith. Don't let go of either. There's a long road ahead, but it gets better. All you're suffering through now will be worth it one day. Consider how much you will learn through your pain, how much this will impact your life not just negatively, but positively in the end.

Don't lose sight of who you are. That's the most important thing. Never let go of the passion you have for the little things. Don't take anything for granted. See the beauty in the world, even when it seems like it brings you nothing but pain. You are worth it, and you are beautiful. Things will get better. Don't ever give up.

Love,
16 year old Amanda.

[bambino]

dear 15 year old amber

whatever you do, stay away from those scissors, stay away from the razors. It is not worth it. It'll make you feel better for a little while; like you can cope. But you will not be able to stop, I'm telling you from 4 years in the future- if you start now, it'll be haunting you into your adult years. Break up with your boyfriend, he has enough issues of his own. Focus on the people who love you. You are going to meet the most amazing person next year and she will love you unimaginably. You will not be alone. You never were alone. God was just waiting for things to fall into place.

Love Yourself.
Love, yourself