I feel like a stereotype (I'm sorry, it's kind of long).

[Tenkotsu]

I can’t pin down exactly when I began being weird and different, I remember staring in second grade the anatomy drawings of the boy and “licking it with my mind”, for some reason. When I was 8 I think ,I don’t remember exactly this thing, I accidentally entered my brother’s bedroom without knocking to say good night and I saw him naked, saw his expression trying to stop anyone from entering and then I saw down there, I quickly turned around and left. I can’t remember if this happened before or after I tried to spy some of my classmates when they went to pee in a tree, I remember subtlety trying to see their penises but couldn’t.

Around 7th grade I started to "like" guys that were stronger or more secure about themselves, but not girls at all, I wanted to be like other guys but felt wrong because I liked them a lot, I wanted to do "things" with them. I couldn't even hang out with them or just be normal because I felt that if I became to close or did something wrong everyone would think I was being very gay for being too friendly, or hanging with any guy too much.

I wanted a best friend, but I knew I didn’t just want to be friends and wanted to have a special bond with a guy, I knew that was considered gay, wrong and I’d be ridiculed forever for it. I knew my family would be disappointed because it was too obvious that I was gay, I had many signs of it. My best friends during high school were a pair of twins with which I was way to touchy and expressive with them, I liked them too much (I really liked them) and I think I was more like a possessive clingy jealous girlfriend than anything. I wasn’t “normal”.

I feel terrible because I feel like a stereotype of a gay guy, that every assumption of homosexuals is true with me and I don’t do any favors to homosexuals, I’m weak, I have a soft voice, I’m not good at sports, kind of nerdy, I act very differently from other guys, I’m very delicate, I don’t act like a guy, I’m kind of effeminate (In comparison to other guys, I feel that I have more “womanish” attitudes), I know I’m not like other guys, I have never been.

I feel that, as the way most people think, I did this to myself, I became gay, even though it’s not true and a lot of people can attest that, I still feel guilty that I somehow made myself gay, because I saw another guy naked or didn’t try to or force myself to try to get a girlfriend.

I feel guilty that every fear of a guy becoming or being gay because of “X” is true with me, every stereotype and fear is reinforced if everyone knows that I’m gay. I hated that I was the only gay guy, because I feel that it is a pretty obvious outcome and it’s a foregone conclusion, I’m not a strong guy that just happens to be gay, I’m a gay guy that anyone could’ve guess easily, I feel I reinforce the notion that gays are well, gay and I don’t like it.

Nowadays I’ve pretty much accepted that I’m gay, although I still “don’t like” liking just guys. I’m trying to finally accept it to move forward I guess. I either accept it or keep denying it and justify that I’m not gay, somehow.

[Wonder.]

There's only so much I can say on this situation.

You can't pretend you're straight if you're fairly confident you're gay. If you wanted to try dating a girl, go ahead. If you like it, maybe you're not gay. But the truth can only be told when you sit down and think about it.

Don't worry about being "stereotypical". As long as you are yourself, people will accept you. I know people say that often, but I lived through it. One day I said, "You know what? I don't care what people think of me. I'm going to be whoever the hell I am, and I'm not going to let people change me."

My situation was a little different than yours, but the saying still applies.

Do whatever you want to do. And don't worry, people's opinions won't matter later on. You'll probably forget about the negative people within a year, but remember the ones who love you.

[Skeptical Bear]

I understand. I know what you mean when you get "close" to someone, then you get this feeling that you like them in a sexual way. I have that same exact problem with anyone I became close to as a friend. I started out like you in many ways, so you're not alone. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't necessarily have to show off that you're gay but be yourself. At the end of day, it really doesn't matter what people think about you because being something else that you're not, won't get you any where you desire to be in the long run. Literally think about it. Don't simply read this. It might open your eyes to something. If you need anyone to talk to, you can talk to me anytime, if not the other people on this site. Hope this helped you out.

[Tenkotsu]

I don't know, I don't think I could try dating, if things go wrong I might get in a worse situation, everyone would be uncomfortable with me. Besides, I don't really have any friends to support me (it's another problem, something that happend).

I feel that I should try to make friends first, but trying to get close to people doesn't feel right, I feel too flirty and flamboyant when I let myself go. I feel that people would tell quickly im gay and they'd avoid me, or feel uncomfortable around me, I feel I just can't make friends just like that. Honestly, I'd like to meet other guys that are like me, but it's certainly not possible in here, since I'd have to be very close to someone and it's very uncomfortable with me.

[Wonder.]

To tell you the truth, I'd much rather be myself then have a shit-ton of friends.

And don't worry, all of us at Virtual Teen are here to support you and help you out. That's what this forum is for. To help and connect with other people.

People who are worth having as friends will look at your personality, not your flamboyancy.

[Tenkotsu]

I want to thank you all for the advices given, I've been thinking about it these past days and after thinking about it, honestly, now I'm not totally sure what to think.

I'm not sure how to put it, I've been thinking what if there's no problem with how people view me or if it didn't matter. I'm not certain now that I'm gay, I still like them, but I begun to feel jelous. As how I've been, I've been jealous of guys that are better than me, that have more fun or freedom and I don't.

Now I'm not sure honestly of what I am at the moment, whether I am gay or just have some confusion with my feelings and they haven't let me advance, and the fear of "letting myself go" hasn't really let me understand and know myself completely, I don't know, it's something that I've been thinking these past days.

Thank you for your commentaries, they've helped, I'm going to talk about it with some people, maybe find a psychologist or an expert, because I want to try to solve this and not let it grow in me for the rest of my life :)

[Shenron]

Well I am glad that you have come to terms with yourself. There is nothing wrong with being gay. I know it can be hard to deal with this society at times but unfortunately we do not have the option of determining our sexuality. Now, if you are having trouble accepting your sexuality but you know you are gay then you may want to talk to a professional. If you just need someone in general to talk to about this then please do not hesitate to contact me. Honestly, if you repress your true self then it will never come out. You need to be yourself and if people think you are gay then let them think that. As far as you are concerned, what they say doesn't mean a damn thing. If there is anything I can do to help you out please let me know.