What's your story?

[Mike8492]

Since I've joined this site and read the posts and topics in this section, I've realized how much I understand. I don't cut personally but at the same time, I feel like I have or know what it's like to do so. I was a victim of multiple forms of abuse and bullying, so i you can say I know what's up. If I knew about cutting back then, I probably would have done it and continue to do so even now.

Anyway, I want to know is: how did you get started? Why? And anything else you want to talk about thats related to this.

I guess I'm saying I care and I want to help. I'm better at conversing my thoughts and feelings rather than writing them out. If you want to talk, feel free to Pm me.

[AlmostHomeless]

For me I started in elementary school I think. I would just find cuts randomly and I wouldn't know where they came from. I eventually started remembering cutting more often, and I've been cutting since. Attempted suicide twice but I never went through with it and nobody ever found out.

That's my story simplified.

[ReasonsForWeeping]

my story is emotional abuse i was abused emotionally i started cutting without realizing what i was doing but everyone was always yelling at me and it made me feel better later on i started burning myself it lasted longer but im trying to stop

[ryantombs]

mine was losing a girl (many things involved with it so no its not me seeking attention) and losing a friend... feeling lost and alone and other stresses with school and parents and stuff

im not severe but started in august but i still have a word in my leg with a few marks
i see what people mean by it only gets worse i want to stop

[georgiamay]

I started when I was 12, almost 4 years ago now. Wow, I hadn't realised it'd been that long :eek:

To be honest, I don't remember exactly why I started. I started gradually, I remember the first time I did it vividly. I was having a bad morning after a very realistic flashback/nightmare, and the next morning I wanted everything to go away, and it just happened. It was slow after that, but eventually I started doing it more and more often. It just made everything go away, it made me feel kind of free. Before I did it, I always felt completely trapped, as if the only way I could escape anything was to kill myself, well, sometimes that's what I thought anyway. But instead of doing that, I self harmed, and I was completely calm and everything in my head completely stopped, or if it wasn't "bad enough" it's at least slow down.

I haven't done it in a very long time, and I don't plan to, but I don't consider myself recovered just yet.

[ReasonsForWeeping]

v.v dont click on the link very triggering picture

[secretly_secret]

v.v dont click on the link very triggering picture

Nickola Indra, or whatever your name is, PLEASE STOP POSTING THIS!
We are here to find help, not to be tortured. :(

[Bath]

I would beat myself up (give myself bruises, knock my head into things, and punch myself) starting from around 12 years old because of a dramatic turn my life had taken, with my parents' divorce and being homeless and running away.

Then around 14 I would scratch myself during anxiety attacks.

Then sometime in the winter when I was 15, I found my mom's pocket knife and slashed my arm in a rage, and blood just poured from the gash and I felt so relieved. I kept doing it, and then it became regular, now an addiction. I think I've done it for every single reason. Because I like it, because I want blood, because I want scars, because I want to punish myself, because I want to see how deep I can go, because I want to die, because it looks pretty, because it looks ugly, to get rid of pain, to gain happiness. I went like 2 months without it at some point, but now I'm badly relapsing.

[Megson]

The very first time was out of anger and a ton of stress. My parents were treating me like crap and I scratched my arms up really bad. I did that a few times throughout the year and once I used a knife, but I didn't cut deep, or even enough to bleed.


Actually cutting with certain instruments started fairly recently. School is stressing me out, I hate myself, no one likes me, I have no friends, parents are being demanding... Cutting is my release.

[Mike8492]

I was abused by my step-dad when i was a kid. I somehow learned how to "withdraw myself into my mind" and shut off emotions. If that makes any sense. It helped me survive but its destroying me now. Since My "step" was sexually abusive, I later used sex as a way to cope. Lets just say, I was taught that being used in that way was good and made to feeling good about it and the sex now is a throwback to that. It's not cutting or anything like that but I think its equally as self harmful. Especially when you still believe the brainwashing at times. :(

[Mike8492]

Thanks for telling your stories, seeing the similarities between all of us is unreal. Especially after years of thinking that you were a freak that no one cares about. It's kinda frightening to be able to talk to others who gets it, after teaching yourself to bottle it up and never let someone in.

[PureReality]

My story? Lets see here: it first all began around the 5th grade. I was always a happy, lively child. Always. Before I knew it, I was living in my own brother's shadow. He was the football star of the school, and I was the little brainiac with great skills, just not physically (not interested in school sports). At school, I begin to constantly be bullied, and before I knew it, I had no friends, no life, and no family. For years, I was bullied and harassed at school and the administration did not care. At home, my step dad and brother were constantly verbally abusing me and my mother no longer held her ground for me. So, school was prison. Home was hell. I did not have any fun times, not nearly as many as I should have. I spent most of my days, in my bedroom, totally saddened and depressed. On my way home, each day, I would consider just to walk past my home and never return. I had NO emotional support. Nobody at school cared, and nobody at home did. Then...I began to conflict self-harm. I would take keys, and scrape the skin off of my wrists and arms. It was something new, a way out of the shit-hole. I realized it only put off the pain for a short while. Before cutting came, the suicidal thoughts plagued me...looking out my window, at the age of just 11 years old, seeing the big, lively tree in my yard...picturing myself hanging, imagining how content I would be, dead, hanging. I had truly hit the lowest of low, at such a young age. And the funny thing is, not one person gave a fuck.

This depression hung over me, from when I was about 10-13. Three years of depression, three years of suicidal thoughts, two years of cutting, two years of suicide plans, two months away from suicide. I moved to my dad's for a year. I loved it. I was happy again. My step-mom could always see the light in me. She knew how I was neglected and verbally abused there. My dark-circles under my eyes began to fade away and all was good. I ended up moving back just a year later, and they finally realized how they screwed up.

The emotional damage I went through at that age was horrifying. I'm glad I made it through, somehow. I won't talk about my experiences, as I don't want to relive them. I am far past that now. :)

No longer am I depressed. No longer am I suicidal. No longer am I damaging myself. Now, I am happy. Now, I am living. Now, I am stronger. Now, I am so much more intelligent. Now, I am myself. Now, it was worth it. It was worth pulling through the fight. :yes: :whoops:

[BrokenButterflies]

Why?: I needed a way to vent and and escape the hell that I was going through in my home life. My parents never hurt me physicly, but the emotional pain that I went/go through is unbareble at times. They fight (that's a real understatement) on a regular bases and ALWAYS drag me into the middle of it.
How did I get started?: I guess the first time I really heard of cutting was from my best friend who self harmed.Not long after I found out she cut, yet another war broke out in my house and both my parents were taking out their anger on me. When everyone had finely left me alone, I was devastated. I saw my carving knife sitting on my dresser and just thought "they don't love me, so why not?", and started cutting my upper arm.
That was the start of my cutting career.

[Mike8492]

The similarities between all of us make me feel like this is unreal. For the longest time I believed that no one cared nor could understand and I felt alone. Now seeing all this and being able to talk to other how understand is kinda frightening.

[Lego-house]

I just started recently, the stress of my every day life really gets to me, my mum found out and shouted at me. It only makes me want to do it more. I scratch away the skin on my arm until it bleeds Or goes numb.

[bena3217]

everything started this year...i lost most of my friends...my mom is bipoler...so financial problems...i hate myself...i think im ugly as hell...i dont like myself anymore...my dad doesnt trust me anymore...my mom hardly talks to me...my sisters always mean to me...most of my friends left me! i punish myself...i think everything i do is wrong...i tell myslf i deserve all the bad things that happens to me...im extremly negative...i cut to punish myself for everything i do that isnt perfect...i cut because i dont feel wanted and nobody cared...i feel that i dont deserve to live...eventhough i have a bed i sleep on the floor cuz i feel i dont deserve a bed! i dont care about myself...i just want to kill myself...i have no convidince about myself and i guess cut because im sorry for myself

[beebs]

I have been cutting for just over a year.

I started because i was getting bullied, and i believed what they said. I believed i was worthless. And i punished my self accordingly.
They would often tell me to die, kill myself, chuck my self of a bridge or down the stairs.
I would follow there instructions, by hurting myself or with suicide attemps.
Thinking maybe if i was punished for being born, they would back off.

I stopped for a while, but then my brother became seriously ill, and i cut to forget about it briefly. He is still ill, so i still cut for that reason

But know i cut for any and every reason. When im sad, angry or sometimes happy.

I want to start recovery. But i still feel i need punishment. For being me.

[dark_soul777]

Well, up until the start of secondary school, I was a fairly normal happy child. I was smart and shy and pretty socially awkward. Like anyone, I had my problems here and there, mostly due to my eccentric nature and occasional problems at home.
Towards the end of Primary School I had a few problems with friends, but I won't delve into that here. It was not until I began my time at Secondary School that the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan.
It started when my social awkwardness, which by now was growing into a fully formed phobia. My old "friends" all started to turn against me. I hadn't done anything wrong, they were just becoming bullies and joining with the existing ones in the school.
I was the victim of choice for anybody and everybody in year 7.
It wasn't only the bullies either, I live in a small country town in the middle of nowhere and almost everyone is a narrow minded asshole. For some reason people started a rumor that I was gay, even though I'm not.
My self esteem was so low that I was to afraid to try and make new friends, so I hung out with my old friends, AKA the worst bullies in the school. This just made it easier for them to taunt me and hit me and generally do whatever they could to make my life hell.

I would come home from school, dirt and food on my clothes. When my parents asked about it I would tell them there was a food fight or that I had been playing football.
All the while, I was getting more and more depressed, my self esteem was getting lower and I started to have suicidal thoughts.
During the day at school, all my feelings would build up and then when I got home, I would take them out on my family, which caused more problems.
I know had shit coming at me from all sides, I didn't want to wake up in the morning and I'm confident if I had had the means to easily kill myself I would have.
It was around this time I started to hurt myself. I would hit myself and cause massive bruises, sometimes I would scratch myself, mostly around my fingernails so it looked like I had just been biting my nails. There were a few times I held one of my pocket knives to my throat or my chest and wished for the will power to end my torment.
I continued like this through year 8 and in year 9 I finally managed to separate myself from my old "friends".
This was no better though, I had all my rage still inside me but no one to take it out on. It was later this year I made my first cuts, they were really just shallow scratches I could hide under my watch.
Ever since half way through year 8 I had had a massive crush on a girl, we had no classes together but I cherished every moment I had with her. I just had no idea how to turn my fantasies of love into reality.
For the second term of year 9 I got to go to attend a special program in the mountains with 5 other people from my school and 39 others. This was the best time of my life. I had stopped cutting and I thought I might finally be getting my life under control.
When I returned home however, this illusion was shattered.
I finally had the courage to ask out the girl I liked, and she said no.
I know this may sound trivial, but the thought of her was all that had sustained me and kept me from killing myself for almost a year.
I had always had trouble sleeping, but now it got worse. I stopped eating, I stopped going to school and I was VERY close to killing myself. It was then that I made my first real cuts. I had no blades readily available, so I scratched away with a piece of plastic until a huge gash was left. I stopped doing this when I got my hands on a craft knife and some razorblades, as it left HUGE scars.
I am still very much like this now. It is the second last week of year 9 and I have barely been to school for a whole semester. My parents got me to see a therapist, but I don't trust her and I don't tell her anything. Nobody knows about my cuts and I still keep them secret.
I still feel depressed all the time, empty, sad, worthless. That is why I cut. I wish so much that I didn't It's summer here, most days are 30 degrees+ and I don't have any long sleeved shirts, only heavy hoodies.
I normally don't cut very deep, but they're all over my thighs and my arms and I hate them.

I'm sorry for the incredibly long rant, once I get writing I can't stop.
If anyone is still reading thank you, it means a lot to me.

[bena3217]

wow robert...thats one hard life ey! but if you ever want to talk...there are some wonderful people here that woud not say no to you! :)

[XxEmoCheerleaderxX]

my story starts 3 years ago when i had just started 8th grade.... my mom used to hit me... i finally worked up the courage to tell a friend and she encouraged me to go to the counsulor... i went in and told the school counsulor about what was happening at home and she pretty much told me i was lying and making it all up because i had no proof... my skin doesn't bruise very easily...

she never ended up reporting it... well i went through a rough patch... i became suicidal... the friend that i had told left me a few months later because she didn't want to help anymore... i didn't talk to anyone about it and managed to push the thoughts away...

near the end of the school year i spent the night at one of my neices house for her birthday... she is one year younger than me so i ended up telling her about what was happening... well my older brother overheard and told my dad...

my dad ended up questioning me about it... we told my mom that i wanted to live with him... after a bunch of arguments we decided that i would still live with my mom... a few weeks later social services showed up at my house (this was 7 months after i originally reported it)... this ruined all relations i had with my mom and step dad...

2 months later in june my dad passed away... i just never talked about it and my family on my dads side became worried that i would run away...

my mom has never really hit me after the social services visit... there were i think 2 or 3 times when she did smack me... but now the verbal abuse has gotten very bad... i'm only around 100 pounds but my mom is always calling me fat... she tells me that i am stupid and worthless and she wishes she had never had a girl...

a few months ago school had gotten very stressfull and i started to scratch the skin off my fingers untill they bled... after she took my phone away for being on the B honor roll instead of the A the scratching got worse...

i have told a friend about all of this and she has been here for me and opened up her house as a safe place for me to go... i am trying to stop scratching... i have now gone 20 days without SH...

I am trying to be postive knowing that i will graduate in a year and a half... hopefully i can last that long where i'm living... i think that with the help of my friend i may be able to make it...

[Mutibann]

I started because my dad was emotionally abusive, continued because of my grandmother, stopped because it hurt my mom, started again because my dad died, and I'm tryin to stop again because I know it's hurting my mom.

[mago1242]

Ive pretty much always been the quiet kid, i was always by myself, and i always hated being around people. Around middle school, people saw that i was quiet, and started to pick on me, i already didn't like myself, so you get the jist. Then high school rolled around and things just got worse. I pretty much had started to isolate myself from people, and i spent all my time alone. The two best friends i had, had moved away, and i was pretty much alone. I knew i was depressed, but i never told anyone. This is when i started thinking about cutting, but never actually did it. My first year of high school consisted of a guy who i fell in 'love' with, and using sex as a way to make myself feel better. I was bullied, a lot of the kids in my school called me ugly, but at the same time, others called me pretty. I developed a warped view of myself, became suicidal and this guy was all i had to bring me out. But after a bad break up, and not seeing him for two years, the bullying got worse, i spent a lot of my time skipping my classes in the school bathroom. I made friends with a girl, who later became my best friend, and i ended up telling her about my depression. Eventually i told my mom, and then i started going to therapy. Everything just got worse after that, i was stressed out, my mom wouldn't leave me alone, i hated school, my best friend and i constantly got into fights, and i started cutting. At first not even enough to draw blood, but then it got worse, and now i do it when ever i need a release.

[RustyRockets]

I've been dabbling in self-harm for several years and in several ways - I began abusing alcohol from my early teens onwards, and a few years after that became drugs and physical harming. I was very much alone then and found it to be a good outlet; I'd 'scour' my arms, i.e. scratching off the skin of a large area with a blunt blade to make myself very tender and injured. Direct slashing with razors came a little while later.

I was isolated in my own life. I've always been pretty popular, from a good family and area and with everything I've wanted provided for me. I've also always been the most empty and utterly sad person I know. I came to you guys late, I turned 21 this year and when my age ended in 'teen' I had no idea that you could talk to other people about these issues. A therapist or specialist is great, but its not like a community. I wish I had known about these kind of places and people a couple of years ago.

Now I harm quite often, depending on my situation and how things like medication are working out. I'm hopeful that I'll still be young when I stop SH for good, I don't want to be making fresh scars all my life.

[Loner]

I have a couple of deep scars on my chest formed in a symbol, a way to keep me focused and keep me going in the right direction...I guess this was more of a tatoo to me, seeing this symbol reminds me of a debt I owe to some people...

I do have other scars on my hands and arms from where I self-harmed...Haven't been doing it to much lately...

Loner

[XxfakexX]

okay i'll make it short. I used to be extremely happy, overly most the time. The as i left primary my family expected me to go to a 'private school' and the pressure mounted on. They always screamed at me that they wished i was different. I just don't live up to their expectations. When i started cut because of everything, usually with a razor, my grades went down. I had no friends or anyone to talk to and i was scared.
I was about 12 when i first tried suicide. Nothing has really got much better with my family, and now my dad's gone I'm left with my mum, who constantly calls me fat and
says i was never worth her time. I do have a few friends who understand a little of what I'm going through and try to help as much they can. I'm also trying to stop but relapsing bad.
Sorry for ranting. i'm trying, i promise.

[Oddgirlout]

I started about 2 years ago after my mom kicked my alcoholic dad out (I was glad to see him go) my mom remarried not long after so I felt really alone. I'm home schooled and have never had any friends so I turned to self harm, it happens when the pain I feel becomes to much to bare.

And that's my story

[Noxail]

Hm, my story? It's not nice. My mother *coughcoughslutcoughcough* left me with my father when I was two. My dad then became an avid drug user, and child abuser. When I was around four, we moved in with my grandmother, who means well, but has way too much on her plate. Lets just say, I learned how to fight, very very well. I did the whole external shut-down. And, it worked. I opened up a school, the one place where adults still taunted me, but my peers embraced me. And I didn't have to worry about defending myself. Of course I still flinched when someone happened to move too fast and really really didn't like to be touched, unless you where one of my close friends. And one night, after treating some... wounds I got for being careless with my arms, I was looking through my first-aid kit, and found a single edged razor I had stuck in there for god knows what. And At the time, My one life raft, the person I loved more than anything, well, we kinda split. And I kinda lost it. It started with five. I just wanted to see what would happen. I was trying to punish myself for being so stupid, and for hurting him.... so I cut. Then three weeks later, five scars turned into ten cuts. Then ten to 15 then 15 to 20. The last time I cut, I lost count at 105. So. Theres my shit life story. Hope you don't turn out like me.

[FarmGirl23]

Mine was a very pathetic start. In middle school my 2 closest girlfriends were cutting so I started doing it too, because they tended to look down on me for not being as complicated as them (turns out 1 of them lied about cutting and they were just random scratches). I stopped for a long time but I started seriously cutting in high school after going through a seriously abusive relationship. I slowed down a lot when I met my now fiancee. I went through a huge cutting period when I found out that my fiancee (bf at the time) had gotten cancer. Then when he had to go away he made me promise not to do it anymore. I started back up after about 5 months. It just all got to be too much and went nuts on my leg. Since then it hasn't been horrible because I feel guilty about it. But ever since starting full time work and full time school I cut about once a week. I just get so overwhelmed and depressed and it just seems like the best idea at the time.

[operachick15]

I've never told anyone my story because no one seemed to care(not even my best friends, they yelled at me and told me to stop) but I'll tell you now. When I was little I was the short overweight awkward nerdy girl. If I'd known about self harm then I probably would've done so long ago. It started about a year or so ago. I had just gotten to sixth grade. I had the meanest teacher ever. She'd yell at me for no reason and I'd never want to go back to school. I discovered my musical gifts last year when I was told by my chorus teacher I was good. I was good in band too so I should be happy right? Anyway With band and chorus everything got so overwhelming. I'd miss classes and always have some big project or something to do. I never got a break.It all got so overwhelming one day I cut. I felt free I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. I was in my own world.I was clean for about 4 months and then I cut on Easter.I hadn't cut in so long!Overtime things got more overwhelming so yesterday night I cut again. Overall I have had roughly 20 scars which is probably nothin compared to some of the others.

[xXl0sth0peXx]

Please do not post in threads older than 2 months. :locked: