stories
October 4th, 2011, 03:29 AM
Here I go again...
I'm trying this whole recovery thing. My two brothers want me to get better and healthier.
This eating disorder has taken over my life. All I talk about now is food. I even spend too much time thinking about it when I could be doing school work or something more productive with my time. I write down everything I eat. I plan out menus for the upcoming days so I actually eat and my anxiety doesn't go crazy because of it. I get mad at myself more these days for eating too much or not working out enough. I also get really mad at any weight gain. And my health is starting to become affected. I am sleeping less but am tired more. My body aches, specifically my stomach and sides. I have headaches a lot. And today I felt like my stomach was caving in and someone was stepping on my throat, as my breathing was low. I just have all of these symptoms present.
On Wednesday I am going to talk to a friend of one of my brother's and I who had anorexia for a year when he was younger and went through treatment for it. I am scared but my brother is coming with me. I don't know how to start talking to him or what to say really. I also don't want to open up about my issues with depression and all of that if I can help it. Though they are factors in this eating disorder to some extent. But this is the first step, as my brother says. Both of my brothers want me to get to a point where I can see a professional about this. I am not so sure about that at this point. Maybe I'll get there someday.
For now, I am starting with this. And since I eat almost every meal with one or both of my brother's (except on Tuesdays (all meals) and Thursday breakfast), they are making sure I eat; and eat something substantial. If they are not around I barely eat. So it looks like I can't avoid food for much longer or anymore.
So I guess I am trying to recover again. I can't promise anything to them. There have been many relapses. But I will see what happens. I don't think they will let me fall back to these habits again. So, I am letting them help me at this point. I may not be ready to face my issues or want to recover at times, but I am letting them in. I think I need it.
I just think this is hopeful news, once again, and wanted to share it here.
I'm trying this whole recovery thing. My two brothers want me to get better and healthier.
This eating disorder has taken over my life. All I talk about now is food. I even spend too much time thinking about it when I could be doing school work or something more productive with my time. I write down everything I eat. I plan out menus for the upcoming days so I actually eat and my anxiety doesn't go crazy because of it. I get mad at myself more these days for eating too much or not working out enough. I also get really mad at any weight gain. And my health is starting to become affected. I am sleeping less but am tired more. My body aches, specifically my stomach and sides. I have headaches a lot. And today I felt like my stomach was caving in and someone was stepping on my throat, as my breathing was low. I just have all of these symptoms present.
On Wednesday I am going to talk to a friend of one of my brother's and I who had anorexia for a year when he was younger and went through treatment for it. I am scared but my brother is coming with me. I don't know how to start talking to him or what to say really. I also don't want to open up about my issues with depression and all of that if I can help it. Though they are factors in this eating disorder to some extent. But this is the first step, as my brother says. Both of my brothers want me to get to a point where I can see a professional about this. I am not so sure about that at this point. Maybe I'll get there someday.
For now, I am starting with this. And since I eat almost every meal with one or both of my brother's (except on Tuesdays (all meals) and Thursday breakfast), they are making sure I eat; and eat something substantial. If they are not around I barely eat. So it looks like I can't avoid food for much longer or anymore.
So I guess I am trying to recover again. I can't promise anything to them. There have been many relapses. But I will see what happens. I don't think they will let me fall back to these habits again. So, I am letting them help me at this point. I may not be ready to face my issues or want to recover at times, but I am letting them in. I think I need it.
I just think this is hopeful news, once again, and wanted to share it here.