Amaryllis
October 3rd, 2011, 09:07 PM
WARNING: May be triggering for rape/child abuse victims.
STORY - MY FATHER
I scream.
My arms flail around, trying to grasp onto something, someone, anything. I can't open my eyes, I can't breathe. My cheeks are wet and my throat is raw. I call for my mother, again and again.
She doesn't come.
Instead, heavy, loud footsteps come toward me, it's slow like a predator's, waiting to pounce. I don't know who it is, I'm scared. I still can't see so I pull the blanket over my head and whimper, I bite my lip and try my best to stay silent but I'm shaking. As the knob of my bedroom door turns, I draw in a long breath to scream.
A hand clamps over my mouth.
"Shh, shh." I recognise the voice. It's my father's. I tense. I don't know what to say or do. I'm not comfortable around my father. He doesn't come home often, I don't know him, he's a stranger. His large hand presses down, harder, I can't breathe.
"Shh, shh," he whispers again. Was it meant to be soothing? It wasn't. He lifts up my blanket and climbs underneath, his knee brushes my thigh as he climbs on top of me. His weight presses down on my body, it feels strange, it isn't right.
"Shh, shh. Don't make a sound when I move my hand. You don't want to wake mama up, do you?" he whispers in my ear. I nod. He moves his hand from my mouth and I gasp for air. My father starts to lift my dress over my head, I ask him what he's doing but he asks me to shut up. So I do.
"Get up." I stare back at him, confused. "Get up," he repeats. How does he expect me to get up when he's lying on top of me? "Get up!" he's angry now. Father shoves me onto the floor. There's a bump and a glass of water tips over my dresser drawer and shatters into a million pieces on the floor.
"Now look at what you did," he hisses. "Stupid girl."
I crawl back until I can't go any further, the glass digs into my palm, I don't care. I want to be somewhere else. He grabs my arm, hard, and wrenches me onto my feet, his nails dig into me. He unlocks the door behind me and pushes me in. I blink, the lights are bright and the marble floor beneath me is cold. I look around, it's my bathroom.
"Stand in front of the mirror," he orders. I do as he says, I don't want to make him angrier. A little girl stares back at me, her hair a wild mess. A big, vicious man stands behind her, hands gripping her waist.
"You're so ugly," says the man, eyes filled with rage and disgust. "Nobody would want a fat, ugly whore like you." His hands roam all over me. I feel dirty. I want to disappear.
"You ruined my life! I have a wife and 3 kids! Why did you and your mother have to come along? You'll grow up to be a slut, just like her. You're a mistake!" he shouts. "A mistake!"
My father pulls my hair and slams my head against the sink. I make a noise but he glares at me, I know I'm meant to stay silent. He bends down and his angry eyes stare into mine. I'm shaking. "You're useless. Nobody will treat you as good as I do. I'm your father. I can do whatever I want with you. You'll see."
He pulls me upright and I'm staring at the girl in the mirror again. His arms wrap around my tummy and he pulls me against him. I shut my eyes and I'm somewhere else.
STORY - MY FATHER
I scream.
My arms flail around, trying to grasp onto something, someone, anything. I can't open my eyes, I can't breathe. My cheeks are wet and my throat is raw. I call for my mother, again and again.
She doesn't come.
Instead, heavy, loud footsteps come toward me, it's slow like a predator's, waiting to pounce. I don't know who it is, I'm scared. I still can't see so I pull the blanket over my head and whimper, I bite my lip and try my best to stay silent but I'm shaking. As the knob of my bedroom door turns, I draw in a long breath to scream.
A hand clamps over my mouth.
"Shh, shh." I recognise the voice. It's my father's. I tense. I don't know what to say or do. I'm not comfortable around my father. He doesn't come home often, I don't know him, he's a stranger. His large hand presses down, harder, I can't breathe.
"Shh, shh," he whispers again. Was it meant to be soothing? It wasn't. He lifts up my blanket and climbs underneath, his knee brushes my thigh as he climbs on top of me. His weight presses down on my body, it feels strange, it isn't right.
"Shh, shh. Don't make a sound when I move my hand. You don't want to wake mama up, do you?" he whispers in my ear. I nod. He moves his hand from my mouth and I gasp for air. My father starts to lift my dress over my head, I ask him what he's doing but he asks me to shut up. So I do.
"Get up." I stare back at him, confused. "Get up," he repeats. How does he expect me to get up when he's lying on top of me? "Get up!" he's angry now. Father shoves me onto the floor. There's a bump and a glass of water tips over my dresser drawer and shatters into a million pieces on the floor.
"Now look at what you did," he hisses. "Stupid girl."
I crawl back until I can't go any further, the glass digs into my palm, I don't care. I want to be somewhere else. He grabs my arm, hard, and wrenches me onto my feet, his nails dig into me. He unlocks the door behind me and pushes me in. I blink, the lights are bright and the marble floor beneath me is cold. I look around, it's my bathroom.
"Stand in front of the mirror," he orders. I do as he says, I don't want to make him angrier. A little girl stares back at me, her hair a wild mess. A big, vicious man stands behind her, hands gripping her waist.
"You're so ugly," says the man, eyes filled with rage and disgust. "Nobody would want a fat, ugly whore like you." His hands roam all over me. I feel dirty. I want to disappear.
"You ruined my life! I have a wife and 3 kids! Why did you and your mother have to come along? You'll grow up to be a slut, just like her. You're a mistake!" he shouts. "A mistake!"
My father pulls my hair and slams my head against the sink. I make a noise but he glares at me, I know I'm meant to stay silent. He bends down and his angry eyes stare into mine. I'm shaking. "You're useless. Nobody will treat you as good as I do. I'm your father. I can do whatever I want with you. You'll see."
He pulls me upright and I'm staring at the girl in the mirror again. His arms wrap around my tummy and he pulls me against him. I shut my eyes and I'm somewhere else.