Pointless mini-rant.

[Magenta]

I'm not ready to give up cutting. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not sure how to even keep living my life without it. Maybe without as much stress, it will get better but...

My whole life now revolves around this. I dropped an course at school to avoid having to be forced into costumes and change in front of others, worry about makeup or have to keep certain body parts clean of injury. The stress of cutting making me fuck up in that course just made me cut more. Pathetic, right? So I dropped it. Now I'm taking things that mean I can wear long-sleeves and pants all year, undisturbed.

Part of me is screaming 'YOU IDIOT, THIS WAS THE REASON YOU GO TO THIS SCHOOL'. I honestly decided to go to the arts school for musical theatre. Now I'm giving up my chance to take it. Maybe next year, I guess, or fifth year depending on if I stay... but has this become my life now? Basing decisions over the length of my sleeves?

It's times like these when things spiral downward. On one hand, I want to stop, I want to just live my life. I want to be a regular person and just go back to how I was before. Yet I'm not ready to...

Confused and angry at myself. The courses I replaced musical theatre with are two things I was really upset not to have room for. Now I have them... I just wish I didn't make room for them this way. Never happy with anything, I guess. Highly disheartened about everything. School used to be my safe haven of distraction and now it's not even that.

[Amaryllis]

I talked to you on Skype and I'll just be saying the same things again, but I'll say it anyway. Maybe if I say it enough times, it'll drill into your head.

You are not your scars. You are not your mental disorders or your blades. When I was anorexic, my life revolved around food as well. It was hard. I was obsessed with it, I didn't give a damn about anything else and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I tried so hard but I just couldn't. I did everything and I tried and tried again but everything was impossible.

I just wanted to die.

But look at me now, Jo. I'm not recovered and I'm far from "healed". I still have my mood swings. I still cut. I still feel fat and I still hate myself sometimes. But I got through. VT makes me feel like such a beautiful person. It makes me feel worthy. Good enough. Hopeful. I'm good for something here. People like me. I help others.

I didn't die. 50lbs, hell, I'm surprised I"m not dead. Recovery isn't impossible, Jo. Life isn't impossible. Happiness isn't something that only exists in fairytales. I've met such amazing people on VT. You're one of them.

With time, effort and love, everything gets better. Choose to be happy. Choose the life you want to live. You cut. It's okay. Because one day, you won't. I starved. And man, I would show you the pictures of me. I looked... Horrific. That's a nice way to put it. We break and we mend. This isn't Humpty Dumpty. Everything comes back together again. We do. Because we have people, we have hope.

Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.

Love,
Z

[Magenta]

Thanks hun. <3

[crazyhyperway]

I cant relate to what your going through, but i'm sure anyone will help you through this on the forum. I will gladly talk to you if you need someone to. Also, I suggest going to your guidance office. If you cant talk about to someone else than buy something like a stress ball, doing a sport alone, or even punching a pillow.

And like what Faith said, recovery isn't impossible
Put your mind to it :)
(btw, try going to the days without cutting thread, seeing how long people have gone without it is always a good thing and gives you a boost)

[Luves Everything x]

I know this seems hard right now, but you will make it through it :). You have to remember that no matter what you do, it could always be worse somehow, so whatever you do, it is better than what you could be doing, which is a good thing, i think??

We're always here to talk :)