Can I change this?

[schrei jess]

Im pretty sure that Im asexual, and if you dont know, it means that Im not sexually attracted to guys or girls.

Is there anyway to change this? I guess that it's just like being gay or straight, if you are - then you are, you cant change that. But I wish I could. I just feel grossed out at the thought of having sex with a guy, or a girl for that matter. I do think that both are attractive and have good points about them, but I couldnt see myself intimate with either one. It's not that I wish I could want to have sex or anything, but I just feel so weird about the whole asexual thing. Like, that Im the only asexual person in the world. I know that isnt the case, otherwise there wouldnt be info on it, but I feel like Im being left out of everything. I want love, I want to be in love, love someone etc. but in the long run, a relationship couldnt go very far without some kind of physical contact right? I barely even like hugging! What guy, or girl, would want to date someone and not be able to hug them? Am I doomed to be alone for the rest of my life? My friend told me that she thought it was a phase, that I would probably grow out of it, but I just cant see that happening, do you think she is right?

Is anyone else here asexual or know someone who is? It would just help to know someone else who is, or if I could talk to someone, and not feel so bad about all of this. Can anyone help me?

[CJgiggles]

well, i'm not asexual so i might be wrong on this but i do think your friend might be right. you might just be going through a stage in your life. i thought i was bi for a bit but then i relized that my other friends though they were to but when i sat down and thought about it, it was just a stage. you might be going through a long stage if you thought this like a couple years ago. but i think if this turns out not to be a stage but the real deal, i think if you have family anf friends then your not doomed to be alone. you'll always have people to turn to. again i might be tottally wrong with this but thats what i think. i hoped it helped abit.

[schrei jess]

Yes it helped, thanks. Ive only thought Im asexual for a little bit, couple of months. Well actually, Ive been this way for a while, just found the name for it a couple of months ago.

Another issue, is how to tell people that I think Im this way. If I finally figure out that this is what I am and that's that, how do I tell people?

[CJgiggles]

well if i was in your posistion i would let it out in the open. if people ask then don't try and hide it, it's not like it's your decision, you were born this way and you can't help it. i think you should tell all your friends and they'll most likely support it. as long as you have people who care about you nothing will go wrong.

[schrei jess]

Well, Im not ashamed by it, I just dont know how to tell people so they understand. Most people have never heard of this, and they'll think Im crazy or something. Ive already hinted to my mom that I am asexual, but I dont think she got it, she probably doesnt even know what it is. She'd probably think it was something really weird or perverted, like how she see's bisexual people. I dont want to give her any other reasons to be disappointed in me. She told me that I was her last hope for grandchildren, as my 31 yr. old brother probably wont, he's never been married and probably hasnt had a serious girlfriend, and my 21 yr. old brother says he HATES kids. I also hate kids, but anyway, how would she take this? I dont know.

That's why I wish I could change this, so I dont have any other reason to be singled out or thought of as weird.

[CJgiggles]

you can also aware people about this. like ask some people who you trust, if they know what it is. if they say no then explain it and tell them. they really shouldn't judge you becuase like i said you can't help it, thats how you feel. if you wanna tell your mother you should just come right out and say it.i bet you mother really wont be dissapointed, at least she knows you not going out having sex with random people. i know how you might feel about telling your mom about it, but i really think you should. if thats how you feel about your own self then your mother should support it, she probably wont mind about not being a nanny, if thats how you really feel inside. and just think, the more you tell people the more they'll understand.

[Randy93]

you know im 14 and sometimes i still think im gay. but sometimes not maybe your time hasn't come yet. but they are alot of people that have no desire for sex. most people must just try to hide it and force themselves against their will. like i know this man that was gay but in married and has 2 kids i know the kids one of them is gay and the other one is straight but if i was gay i would love a man right!!! i say not to force your selves because of what your "friends" think if they are really your frein they will understand. oh and i knew a preacher that was asexual he said that as a kid he had no desire in sex so he began to dtudy the bible. they are many things in life apart from haveing nasty cum dripping sex right? and if you beleive in god then y would he make asexuals if they had no meaning on earth?

i didn't like a girl untill one actually me so maybe you just havent met that some one. i don't know maybe you might fall in love with another asexuall person lol.


look at the bright side you have no distractions at school.

try this site i don't know how much it will help http://www.asexuality.org/home/

[Sapphire]

If I were you I wouldn't cross love off immediately. I mean, you don't have to have sex with someone to love them.
Sex is not the be all and end all. Hell, most the time I wish I was asexual! Life without sex or interest in sex would be, for me, blissful!
Is it not possible to, as many gays/bisexuals do, keep your family in the dark about it? It's not ideal but it's better than stressing over their reaction. As someone already said, your friends will probably provide the best support for you.

[schrei jess]

Im not exactly crossing love out, I mean I would like to have it, but Ive never met another asexual person, so how am I supposed to have a relationship if the other person does want to be intimate? That's the problem.

[Hyper]

Just dont keep thinking that you are gonna stay like this forever... The mind is a powerful thing and if you think about something alot you might even get the idea that is completly so in your subconcious..

A relationship yea wouldnt work without intimacy but love always could just consider this a phase

And if you want to talk to someone, talk with someone you trust completly in real life

[schrei jess]

Im not sure how to think that this idea is just in my head, it feels real. When I think of myself doing anything like that, it's just so...wrong to me. Quite frankly, it's just plain disgusting.

I want to have a normal sexuality and everything, I want to be able to be close to someone, but I cant see it happening when I even have a problem with just hugging.

I dont really have anyone I completely trust in real life, and even here, no one really can help me this as hardly anyone knows about it. I guess I could talk to my therapist, she'll know about asexuality probably, the therapists and social workers at the hospital did, so she'll have to know.

[ThatCanadianGuy]

I'm sorry if this is too personal, but it might explain why you feel like you are asexual. Have you been sexually abused in any way, or at any age (even before you can remember?)? I know this is pretty bad, but phycologically it has been proven that people can become extremely "turned off" or disgusted with any type of sexual act because of a traumatic experience from their past. I'm sorry but I had to just put this out there. Don't post back about this if you're uncomfortable, or PM me if you need to talk. Otherwise, think about it for yourself and draw your own conclusions.

God Bless

[schrei jess]

Yeah I have, at 7, but it wasnt all that traumatic. I didnt even know what had happened until I was 12, and him and his family had long since moved away. The memory is pretty far back and while it did happen more than once, I dont know if it was enough to screw me up for the rest of my life. Maybe it is, Im not sure.

[RowanVer.3.0]

Hey,
best advice I can give you is try it. "Love" isn't all about sex or touching. Seems some people don't feel the need for sex with people they haven't grown to love. Maybe try hanging out with someone you're attracted to. Anyway, maybe it's just pop-culture, but it seems kinda like a lot of girls(especially teenagers) aren't really interested as much in the sex, and are more for the other part of the relationship.

Maybe you aren't getting a lot of hormones for some reason or another? Or maybe it's all mental.. Pretty much impossible to say if you aren't some kind of doctor, but, the most logical thing would be to try a relationship and see where it goes from there.

[ThatCanadianGuy]

I agree with Rowan and maybe you should talk to someone (your therapist or whatever) about your "past experience". Even things that you can't really remember can be damaging (ie in the back of your mind it can cause you to be afraid of sex/disgusted by it) and you don't really know how much it has affected you because it causes alot of subconscious changes that most people cannot notice.

[schrei jess]

I just feel really stupid about being upset by this. I got off easy, nothing really happened. It wasnt that bad what he did to me, and I feel really childish when I get upset about it because others have had much worse happen to them. I got off easy, why should I be upset?

Edit;;
All this talk about sexuality gave me a dream last night. I was at a store, like American Eagle or something, and I was starting to have a threesome in the dressing room, a guy and a girl. Eventually the guy left and it was just me and the girl. Ugh, I wanted to throw up when I woke up. I guess this doesnt matter, but I still wanted to say something. >.<

[DestroyTheFuture]

okay, Jess. let me ask you a question.

are you sexually attracted to Bill Kaulitz?


if the answer is yes, then you are straight, or bisexual.
.
if the answer is no, then you are lesbian or bisexual.



i watched a show on some channel that was about Asexuality. there is an organization that is for all Asexual people. my opinion is, that it doenst necessarily exist. I know you are probably thinking that you know more about it than i do, but for this case, i did a lot of research, which leaves me in a confident state to advise on this issue.

have a whole day dedicated to just thinking about sex, and anything sexual, with any gender. you have also told me that you have had a couple boyfriends in the past. think about that as well.

if you dont like any physical contact, it doesnt mean that you are asexual, it means that you are not comfortable with the idea and possibility of sex. maybe you feel it is too dangerous, or that it would be a scary first time. whatever the case, just have a day where you research Asexuality a lot and you psychologically think to yourself whether you are straight, bi, or lesbian. i am sure that by the end of the day, you will be one of the 3.

[schrei jess]

I am not sexually attracted to Bill Kaulitz. I think he is a great singer, is very attractive, but I would not want to have sex with him.

But why does that make me a lesbian or bisexual?

I am not sexually attracted to anyone, so how am I one of those three? And it's great that you did research and are confident in your advice and knowledge, but you dont know how I really feel, or how asexual people feel - so how can you say that it doesnt exist?

And I dont think sex is dangerous, or that I would be scared to do it - it's just that I find it disgusting. I dont even like it when my parents touch me, or when they just pat me on the back, it makes me really uncomfortable.

I cannot see myself having sex with anyone, girl or boy, the thought makes me physically ill.

[DestroyTheFuture]

yes, but, havent you been in a relationship that contained a boyfriend before?

you told me that you did, and i dont see why you would enter that relationship if you were asexual.

[Sapphire]

And I dont think sex is dangerous, or that I would be scared to do it - it's just that I find it disgusting.
Sadly I know how this feels. Sometimes after sex, or even just harmless masturbation, I feel sick and ashamed and sometimes for days after.
Do you expect a similar reaction to sex if you are to ever have it?

Destroy the future, she's explicitly said that she isn't sexually attracted to anyone and that the thought of sex with anyone makes her feel ill. As such it is clear that no she isn't straight, bisexual or lesbian.

[schrei jess]

DestroyTheFuture, Ive had one boyfriend before, and I cant really explain the relationship to you in one post. Basically, it was during my 7th and part of my 8th grade year, during which time I had extremely low self confidence and low self esteem, and I was REALLY shy - therefore we didnt talk much. It was also during the time my depression took it's first ugly turn, and I began cutting myself during that time - not having much time to try and talk to him etc. You wont understand the situation we had, so Im not really going to try and explain it - you'll just twist my words around and make it look like something else entirely.

I was young, obviously, during that time - 13 years old. 13 year olds dont really have true relationships, so Im not going to consider it a really meaningful relationship. And at the time, I didnt know much of anything about myself, I hadnt given much thought to what I was or felt, so I just assumed that that was what I was supposed to do.

Like I said before, Ive only recently begun realizing this is how I feel and Im pretty sure now that it is who I am. I went to that asexuality.org and joined their forums and had a quick chat with someone in the chatroom.

She said it might be due to my past experience when I was younger, so Im going to have that issue checked out and talk to my therapist about it and see if maybe it impacted my life more than I have realized.

And to Tortured Beauty, I dont do anything sexual, as the thought just makes me ill - I couldnt even begin to think about really doing it. By myself or not.