Overdosing

[Iris]

It's been on my mind constantly, for days. On Wednesday I went to a psychiatrist, who prescribed antidepressants (paxil) for me. I take one every morning. But the desire to take them all, at once, is overwhelming. I've fallen asleep holding my pills. After just staring at them and touching them and counting them, over and over. I keep imagining what it would be like to take them all. All 26 of them. Would I die? Would I just get really sick? I can't shake these thoughts. I'll hold these innocent little pink pills and just imagine taking 5 or 10 or 20. They're so seductive. I'm tired and worn out and depressed, and they whisper of a possible escape. I just can't get it out of my mind...

[Fiction]

I know exactly how you feel, but honestly it's not worth it. I've overdosed more than once before, and it always begins with the ritual of counting the pills. I still go around my house and count them when I start to contemplate it, but I don't think i'll do it. I don't do it because I know what it was like back in February, when I actually did do it. I ended up in hospital and it was b far the worst experience of my life, and I never want to repeat it. Honestly, it isn't worth it. Talk to your psychiatrist about these urges. You can always PM me if you need me :)

[Iris]

My logical side is telling me you're right, and I should listen to you. It's telling me that I shouldn't kill myself, I shouldn't want to kill myself, and that I probably wouldn't die anyway, just get sick and it's not worth it. But when I'm this tired and disillusioned with life, I just feel like who cares. My life is already going down the drain, so what if I take some pills and possibly die. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I'm not meeting with the psychiatrist for a few weeks, and I'm afraid that if I tell him he'll take me off them. And...I want to be able to overdose. I don't want to give them up.

[Fiction]

I honestly understand and can relate to everything you're saying, and I know just how hard it is to change your thought process, but it can be done. I used that logical part of my brain to find reason after reason to hold on. Even a stupid, small reason is a reason. When you think it through there is so much to hold on to.

I think you should tell your psychiatrist, surly at the end of the day you'd chose to be better rather than dead?

[Iris]

When I'm like this, the world and my future is so grey and bleak, and I feel like I'll never get better...I feel like a fool for even trying.

[Fiction]

I honestly completely understand how you feel, but for me when things changed, they changed rapidly. All of a sudden I was given a future and the world didn't seem so scary. Give the world chance, it can take a turn for the better very suddenly. I won't pretend I don't still have days where I feel like that too, but things are a lot better. If you go now you'll never even be giving it a chance.

[Iris]

I've been giving the world a chance for 17 years. By now I can barely get up in the morning. I am nothing but lies and mental illnesses. I have no hope in anything, and I truly believe that if one thing goes right in my life, five more things will go wrong.

The last time I was this suicidal was last winter. I was really going to do it. But then I thought of my grandmother, who survived the Holocaust and lost most of her family, and I couldn't stand the thought of making her lose someone else she loves...This has kept me alive for almost half a year, but by now it's weakening. I'm just more tired and worn out than ever. I'm so ready to give up. I can't imagine anything getting better anymore :(

[Fiction]

I totally understand that, but as I think I mentioned in an earlier post, things get better when you least expect it. Your life has to change. As you get older you're going to move on, leave home, meet new people. How could your life possibly stay the same through all of that. With the changes in circumstances there may be a change of heart. You're 17, and I don't mean this to sound condecending as i'm only 16 myself, but you really have got your whole life ahead of you. I know that's said over and over again, and no one ever really takes any notice of it, but just think about it for a second. Think about how much you have yet to come, and how many changes in your life are yet to come. Your life has every chance of getting better, and if you've held on those 17 years, you may as well make all of that pain worth it, and stick around for the happy ending :)

[Iris]

You're right. I'm going to try not to think about it. I just need to hold out one more year before I can escape to college. Ok. Thanks so much; you really helped. :)

[Fiction]

You're right. I'm going to try not to think about it. I just need to hold out one more year before I can escape to college. Ok. Thanks so much; you really helped. :)

Yep just keep thinking of it like that, one year then things are going to change and it'll be a new start :) It's no problem, PM me if you need me :)

[ImCoolBeans]

It's been on my mind constantly, for days. On Wednesday I went to a psychiatrist, who prescribed antidepressants (paxil) for me. I take one every morning. But the desire to take them all, at once, is overwhelming. I've fallen asleep holding my pills. After just staring at them and touching them and counting them, over and over. I keep imagining what it would be like to take them all. All 26 of them. Would I die? Would I just get really sick? I can't shake these thoughts. I'll hold these innocent little pink pills and just imagine taking 5 or 10 or 20. They're so seductive. I'm tired and worn out and depressed, and they whisper of a possible escape. I just can't get it out of my mind...

I've been in a similar place before and it can be scary, it isn't worth it in the end. Sitting at my desk in the early morning hours, counting the pills and touching them all as you said, wanting to take them all - but I came to realize by the help of people around me that it's not worth it.

[Iris]

I've been in a similar place before and it can be scary, it isn't worth it in the end. Sitting at my desk in the early morning hours, counting the pills and touching them all as you said, wanting to take them all - but I came to realize by the help of people around me that it's not worth it.

Thanks for responding. I know you're right, you and Kathy. It's just that no matter what I think, rationally, my eyes stray to those pills, and when I reach in to take one every morning, my hand lingers. By now I probably wouldn't die if I overdose until I get a refill, but the urge to overdose isn't out of logic; I'm miserable and no matter how much I tell myself not to think about it, I want to die. I really really want to die. But I'm trying, hard, not to think about it, not to dwell on it at least. Every day is exhausting, trying to keep this attitude up on top of all the other shit in my life...

[ImCoolBeans]

Thanks for responding. I know you're right, you and Kathy. It's just that no matter what I think, rationally, my eyes stray to those pills, and when I reach in to take one every morning, my hand lingers. By now I probably wouldn't die if I overdose until I get a refill, but the urge to overdose isn't out of logic; I'm miserable and no matter how much I tell myself not to think about it, I want to die. I really really want to die. But I'm trying, hard, not to think about it, not to dwell on it at least. Every day is exhausting, trying to keep this attitude up on top of all the other shit in my life...

Life is beautiful. It's truly a miracle and you should try to really live it to it's potential. You may say you want to die, but there are people out there who would be crushed if you were to die. You would be missed greatly, every persons' life is something special, and yours is not any exception.

[Iris]

Life is beautiful. It's truly a miracle and you should try to really live it to it's potential. You may say you want to die, but there are people out there who would be crushed if you were to die. You would be missed greatly, every persons' life is something special, and yours is not any exception.

Life is beautiful, but my life isn't. My life isn't the typical life. Everyone is born with a life full of potential, and then existing ruins that potential, for some. Like me. I see the beautiful sun every morning, and the trees and birds and colors, and I'm filled with sorrow that this beauty isn't for me.

I want to die. The fact that I am alive right now is a result of not wanting to crush those people. That doesn't make my life special. More like a crutch. My life right now is continuing simply for the sake of the happiness of the lives of others. That is not a life. It's fucking misery.

[XxArcAngelxX]

This really helped me i know exactly how you feel im in the same place right now.

[Fiction]

Life is beautiful, but my life isn't. My life isn't the typical life. Everyone is born with a life full of potential, and then existing ruins that potential, for some. Like me. I see the beautiful sun every morning, and the trees and birds and colors, and I'm filled with sorrow that this beauty isn't for me.

I want to die. The fact that I am alive right now is a result of not wanting to crush those people. That doesn't make my life special. More like a crutch. My life right now is continuing simply for the sake of the happiness of the lives of others. That is not a life. It's fucking misery.

I can relate to that too. Feeling like for whatever reason you personally don't deserve all the good parts of life, but the truth is we're all equal. We all have just as much right to be here as anyone else. I know it's hard but keep going. Keep holding on and only then will you be able to see how beautiful the world really is. :)

[Iris]

I can relate to that too. Feeling like for whatever reason you personally don't deserve all the good parts of life, but the truth is we're all equal. We all have just as much right to be here as anyone else. I know it's hard but keep going. Keep holding on and only then will you be able to see how beautiful the world really is. :)

I'm trying. I'm just totally loosing it. While trying, hard, not to kill myself by overdosing, I almost killed myself through cutting. I've never bled so much in my life. Now if I try to keep myself from trying that again (because I really really want to) I've got to loosen up control over my desire to overdose and refocus...I don't know what to do with myself anymore...

[Fiction]

I'm trying. I'm just totally loosing it. While trying, hard, not to kill myself by overdosing, I almost killed myself through cutting. I've never bled so much in my life. Now if I try to keep myself from trying that again (because I really really want to) I've got to loosen up control over my desire to overdose and refocus...I don't know what to do with myself anymore...

I think you need to tell your psychiatrist exactly what is going on in your head. I know that's scary and difficult, but it's the only way you'll get all the help you need. There's only so much help we can give over here. :hug:

[Iris]

I think you need to tell your psychiatrist exactly what is going on in your head. I know that's scary and difficult, but it's the only way you'll get all the help you need. There's only so much help we can give over here. :hug:

I can't tell him, he'd force me into a psych ward...

[Fiction]

You don't know that, even after suicide attempts people don't usually end up in wards.

[Iris]

You don't know that, even after suicide attempts people don't usually end up in wards.

I do know it. If you say you almost committed suicide and you might very well try again, they are obligated by law to bring you to a mental hospital. I can't risk it.