alley
October 1st, 2011, 06:15 PM
So I promised people I wouldn't cut again.
After a year and a half of seeking help from my parents, who ignored my self harm, my dad, finally agreed to help. My mum still wants nothing to do with it though.
Well, it's something. I just needed support. I spoke it over with him and I can tell he finds it difficult to talk about it. My parents just can't accept it. Though I'm pleased that atleast my dad is trying to help now.
I explained pretty much everything - in order to help him understand. He seemed sad and shocked.
Anyway. We made a deal. I don't do it again, otherwise he takes me straight to the doc's. I don't want that. I always thought I could do this on my own. WIth support from people I love.
I've also promised one of my best friends. I told them where my blades were and said they would take them if they did it again. This was the alternative to them taking them straight away; which they wanted to do. They even took them from me and wouldn't let me take them back until I promised them I wouldn't ever do it again. But the sheer panic I felt when they had the blades was awful. I felt like I would say anything - do anything - just to have them back with me. So my friend relunctantly gave them back as I promised she could take them off me for good if I did it again. What a lie.
And now, i sit here, on the edge, so close to breaking my 2 vital promises. I've gone about a week without it. But I can't do this. I need this. I really do.
And the shame. The shame when my dad checks my arm and sees cuts. and the worse thing is I know now that i probably won't go to the doc's. Cause I'll refuse. And he's too weak to make me.
And, I won't let my best friend take my blades. There's no way. I'll hide them in a different place so she can't find them. Because that's the kind of person i am. I can't survive without this.
I ask myself why bother giving up? No one really understands. How addictive this is. My dad said that he'd read up about it and that loads of people quit for good. Well I don't really believe that. I think once you've tried it, it will always be a part of you, because you know its the easy way out. the way that gives you instant relief.
I haven't done it yet. But i doubt i won't do it. It always ends up like this. I reach a stage in the quitting process where i need it so badly.
guess it's the same for everyone who does.
They're all going to be upset with me. They're all going to feel hurt. And it's all my fault. Heck, why did I tell anyone? I know the only one who can really stop this is myself.
i can't do it. i can't. this is impossible
After a year and a half of seeking help from my parents, who ignored my self harm, my dad, finally agreed to help. My mum still wants nothing to do with it though.
Well, it's something. I just needed support. I spoke it over with him and I can tell he finds it difficult to talk about it. My parents just can't accept it. Though I'm pleased that atleast my dad is trying to help now.
I explained pretty much everything - in order to help him understand. He seemed sad and shocked.
Anyway. We made a deal. I don't do it again, otherwise he takes me straight to the doc's. I don't want that. I always thought I could do this on my own. WIth support from people I love.
I've also promised one of my best friends. I told them where my blades were and said they would take them if they did it again. This was the alternative to them taking them straight away; which they wanted to do. They even took them from me and wouldn't let me take them back until I promised them I wouldn't ever do it again. But the sheer panic I felt when they had the blades was awful. I felt like I would say anything - do anything - just to have them back with me. So my friend relunctantly gave them back as I promised she could take them off me for good if I did it again. What a lie.
And now, i sit here, on the edge, so close to breaking my 2 vital promises. I've gone about a week without it. But I can't do this. I need this. I really do.
And the shame. The shame when my dad checks my arm and sees cuts. and the worse thing is I know now that i probably won't go to the doc's. Cause I'll refuse. And he's too weak to make me.
And, I won't let my best friend take my blades. There's no way. I'll hide them in a different place so she can't find them. Because that's the kind of person i am. I can't survive without this.
I ask myself why bother giving up? No one really understands. How addictive this is. My dad said that he'd read up about it and that loads of people quit for good. Well I don't really believe that. I think once you've tried it, it will always be a part of you, because you know its the easy way out. the way that gives you instant relief.
I haven't done it yet. But i doubt i won't do it. It always ends up like this. I reach a stage in the quitting process where i need it so badly.
guess it's the same for everyone who does.
They're all going to be upset with me. They're all going to feel hurt. And it's all my fault. Heck, why did I tell anyone? I know the only one who can really stop this is myself.
i can't do it. i can't. this is impossible