What's wrong with me

[Mike8492]

A month or two after I turned 12 up until I turned 13, my step-dad started to physically abuse me. It started out as him hitting me any which way he could, whether it was his hands or whatever he could get a hold of. About a month after that, thinks got worse. My step-dad was in the Army and was trained in forms of interrogation, so he would use forms of physical punishment that didn't require him to touch me or leave bruises in attempt to not get caught and to get whatever response he wanted out of me.Like "punishing" me for being "bad". It got to the point that he would use waterboarding on me. For those who don't know what that is, here is a copy from UrbanDictionary's definition: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=waterboarding
"1. waterboarding 425 up, 178 down

One of the many forms of terrorism (in the form of torture) used by the US military in the "service" of putting an end to terrorism. Waterboarding (called "water torture" in the 16th century and used to test the witchiness of witches) involves holding a person down, covering their face with fabric, then pouring water on the fabric. The wet fabric makes it impossible to breath and the person feel as if they are about to drown, thus freaking them out to the extent that they will do just about anything to avoid more torture."

Anyway, after all that, he started to become sexually abusive by making me... do things. I'll just leave it like that. He did eventually go to jail for something different but I still felt ashamed and didn't get the justice I deserved because I defended him in court, because I was still brainwashed and under his control and believed that he wasn't wrong in what he did.

That was years ago, the problem I have is that I have been having extremely strong sexual urges and dreams/fantasies that are so bad at times I wake up sweating and shaking. I didn't see a counselor about my ordeal so I mainly used the internet to learn how to come to terms and I came across the statistic that males that were sexually abuse at a early age are 68% more likely to commit a sexual crime by age 24.

I want to know if the strong sexual urges I'm feeling are normal or is it a by-product from my experience. I'm still a virgin and to be even more honest i haven't even dated. I feel like I'm going to loose my mind if I don't have sex, but I don't want to hurt someone and be anything like my step-dad. Can any one help me?

[Mike8492]

Really... no one is gonna help me out on this one? >_>

[Ashleigh]

Honey nothing is wrong with you. You've been through a terrible experience and to be honest I think the best thing to do - if you have not already - is to tell your mother or someone close to you. I'm guessing you're about 15-17 at the moment and if so the sexual urges you are feeling are natural. with the statistics about 'males that were sexually abuse at a early age are 68% more likely to commit a sexual crime by age 24' is nothing for you to worry about. You are in control of your actions and you know that sexual offences are wrong. If you remember these two things then you will be fine. But honestly talking helps. Pm me if you ever need to talk x

[Mike8492]

Thanks Ashleigh, I appreciate it. I tried sending you a message, but my post count isn't high enough.

[Ashleigh]

Ahh ok no worries... if it lets me send you one I will e-mail you my msn then if you ever need to talk or let off some steam or something you can just pop up x

[AppealToReason]

Really... no one is gonna help me out on this one? >_>

Don't feel bad, this part of the forum is quiet. Which I guess is good in a way. Quiet hopefully = less kids getting abused...

Anyways, if you really are worried about these urges and about your past haunting you, you NEED to talk to a professional. It's scary, and it'll be awkward/strange telling them about your life, but it's better than hurting yourself or someone else. Trust me, I was abused (all types) multiple times when I was younger and never got help for it. Eventually, I let my past bite me in the ass and resorted to self-harm and drugs to try and forget about it. It's not worth it to go without telling someone if it really is bothering you.

Random fact, but we have the same name. Lol.

[Mike8492]

I have talked to a therapist and with all other aspects I'm good. The sex department on the other hand, well....
It's just I sometimes catch myself just looking at any chick and give them a "bonable" rating. Its almost like eating, you may prefer certain foods over others but you stomach only cares about being fed and your gut is calling the shots.

[Mike8492]

Oh and its cool running into another Mike.lol

[Amaryllis]

I dream about having sex with my father. I was sexually abused by him as well. Now I feel terribly guilty, I find it disgusting. It's just, wrong. This is normal, sweetie. You went through crap. It messed with your head. And yes, he does deserve punishment for what he did to you. If you have the strength, I strongly encourage you to speak up. I know it's hard, I won't, I'm ashamed and I feel dirty and disgusting. Admitting what my father did to me to someone? That would be beyond terrible. How would they look at me?

But hun, he's the monster. Not you. You did nothing wrong. You have to pick up the pieces and move on. You're more than what he made you. You're stronger than you think.

Oh but, sex cravings for a teenage boy? Perfectly normal. Trust me, some men talk to our boobs. Maybe you should try the puberty section as well? Talk to them. They can help.

Love,
Faith and Trust

[Slytherin_Prince]

We have more in common than most people, including you, may realize.
Forgive me for not elaborating on that.
I personally think my past is my own, and not to be typed down on a forum.
My point is, you're not alone. Besides, you won't turn out to be an offender.
I won't be, for sure. If there's anything I'm against, it's illegality.
As for your past, I think you should do what I did. Put it to rest, accept why it happened, and be glad that he has no control over you anymore. As you said, he was in jail. In my case, he passed away, but the results were the same.
If you wish to know what I did to achieve so myself, I did so without the support of any "friends", as they're called, nor with any emotions.
You see, that, to me, was the only way to go on. But then, I asume you have friends, so you have more options than turning into a proverbial machine.
Anyhow, before I make this about me, you shouldn't think you're not worth anything. Trust me, you are. I cannot relate to why these problems should be public, to be fairly honest, but if it is help that you seek, it is help that you'll get.
I hope you'll do well in the future. I am convinced you will.

Most sincerely,
Robert.

[Mike8492]

Thanks Faith. I have seen a "shrink" and I'm a lot better. I havent had one of those dreams since mid summer but that was only one or two. The summer before last was a lot worse, I would have one every other night on average. Now I have the issue of having Quagmire from Family Guy in my head. Always having an erection and wanting to bang every chick that is at least somewhat attractive. Don't get me started on the age issue, I can see a girl that could be in her early teens and still want to plow that. If I run into SSW's (definition here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sesame+streetwalkers ), OMG. I can literally hear Quagmire in my head saying " he he, alright." Also, the other reason I'm kinda worried is because I just turned 20.

[Mike8492]

Oh crap!!! I didn't even see your post Prince. Im sorry.lol but thanks Im still dealing with the damaged dealt to me but I am better and I plan on using my past as a asset instead of a handicap. There are plenty of people out there like us and I plan on helping those people and anyone else for that matter. I just don't want something that I have yet to deal with to take over.

[Aries]

I'd say that your abuse has caused your intense sexual urges. It may be a way for your brain and your body to cope with the abuse and the mental/emotional pain you've been through in your life. Please, talk to someone who can help you with your feelings. You don't have to be part of the statistic; just because it says 68% of sexually abused males commit sexual crimes by 24 doesn't mean you have to conform to that. If anything, talking about your experiences in a safe and comforting environment can help you heal and break away from your urges.

[Mike8492]

So, I may have something on par with Nymphomania(always wanting to have sex) or a dopamine addiction(one of the primary chemicals your body releases upon a orgasm, creating a state of euphoria.), like how some people drink to cope.

Even if thats not the case, atleast I know that its normal considering the circumstances. Its just very problematic to be horny out of your mind and still have to go through your day without letting people know you have a freakin "lead pipe" in your pants leg. Not to mention getting any.