:/....yeah im a fuck up

[salt]

ok so im 19 and single and started burning again.....
atm i feel invisible i try to connect to people but it just dose not work looking back its allways been like this. my life has allways been shit... so iv only been in one relationship well she wouldent call it that.... i loved her, and it got to the point where we were falling around. nothing more. yeah im still a virgin, just waitng for the onee.... any way she was my first love. i see now that she used me... she would not go out with me.. it was almost like she was embarrassed to be seen with me. the fuck am i saying.. she didant want to be seen with me in that way... she told me her parents wouldn't approve.....

2nd girl i liked mind fuck me bad... i was also crazy for her. i told her that and she said she sees me as a brother.. fml... i must of spent all of my money for college on her. for here to buy fags.. food. drink you name it. even so she could go see her new boyfriend. and when that fucked up she mind fucked me more.. lead me on.... till she fell for some one. then she got with him and told me he had a girlfriend and she was cheeting with him. yeah fml again.. any ways i wont lie to any one that asks me any way his gf asked me so i told her. then he broke up with both... left both in bit's witch i had to try and help even though i didant know the other girl.. the one i liked then moved.

so that was fucked up

recently iv finished college, got distant to all my friends.... and one of then also broke up with his gf, witch then i onley met her once had to be there for her. with all of this my sisters eex hubby tryed to strangle my sister. so i had to be there for her for like a month and still ongoing.....

at home all it feels like is im there to be walked over and evrey thing is my fault even if i was trying to help,
i just feel shit i feel like im a brick in a house, used and left there to decay...
evrey thing that i do or try seems to bite me back even if its good...
cant get a job. so i feel worthless even more so, got no money to get vodka so i can forget all of this shit.. so to sum all of this shit up. i fail at every thing i do Friends. witch i feel i dont have any more.. eating. as im nealy anorexic or how ever its spelt, thats another thing i cant spell for shit... my love life dont exist and evrey thing i do seems to fuck me over some how.

and all of this is playing in my head. and its getting to much to bare... i dont know what to do any more. i just dont... one of my friend's had told me that i care about other people to much and not anuff for my self. but that's how i am... i mean for example if i like a girl that i REALY like i convice my self after what has happend that they would be better of with out me. or if some one else wants them ill let them go... not like i can afford it any way i suppose.

sorry for all of this i jsut need to get it all out. it jsut to much...im a pathetic excuse for a human.. sat hear in tear's burning...
and i cant tell any one i know becuse i dont want them to worrie or think im doing it to get attention... this is the badest iv been in a long time i just got nuthing going for me at all.

sorry again for all of this.. like i said i cant live with it any more... its getting to much the onely think that makes me feel good is buring atm
i just feel like no one care's its getting to the point where im seeing things. im not eating and the other day my parents made me so mad that my hole body had pins and needles my hands were numb and my eyesight was blurry

[ShatteredGlass]

You gotta get it out man. Thats a huge problem your having right now is you wont talk to anyone and bottling it up is not healthy whether you want to or not you need to talk to SOMEONE because I guarantee you that they do care about you, someone does. You're not an F up so stop lying to yourself. And what does it matter if you have a thriving love life at the moment? You're only 19 years old and you'll probably live to be at least 80 if you stop stressing yourself out so much. You got things to do and a life to live so stop worrying about this "love life" what's wrong with being a virgin? Absolutely nothing. So you get to give your virginity to your wife, what's more special than that? And look people worry about alot of things and if they know you they'll know you're nnot doing it to get attention. We cannot live alone. We weren't suppose to and the longer you try and stick it out lone wolf style the more your hurting yourself. There's nothing wrong with caring about people just be wise when you do it never give your ALL to anyone person because people are imperfect in they will at some point whether intentional or not dissappoint you. Pay attention to how much you're giving and how much the other person is giving, if there's a large disparity you know you need to back off. If you wanna get better you cant focus on what you dont have, what you are not and things you dont like. But rather on what you do have, what you are (which is a human that makes miistakes and has potential to do incredible things) and things you do like. You still have a future in front of you and it can still be bright