Syvelocin
September 27th, 2011, 03:45 AM
Through dropping out of college and a mixture of depression, personal issues, relationship issues, and work, I just haven't hung out with a lot of people I used to when I was in school. Recently, my psychologist encouraged me to reconnect with them. I had messaged five of them, whom I considered to be my closest friends and two replied. The two who replied did reply positively, and expressed desire to hang out again. I asked one of the girls to talk to another since she wasn't replying on Facebook and she had classes with her. When she reported back, she said she altogether avoided the topic. So I message this girl again asking why she didn't reply to my first message and why she wasn't talking about me to my other friend. Again, she completely ignored me.
So I'm frustrated, being pushed to get together with my old friends but I'm completely convinced this girl is mad at me for some reason, and ignoring me because of that. I send out a last message because I'm just too tired of waiting for her to come around, saying that if she's not going to be my friend I'd like her to say so, because she wasn't being much of a friend and that I missed being with her. I got home and checked to see if she replied. In original grammar and spelling I quote,
"Well boo fucking hoo!!!!!!!!! im not the dummy who isolated myself from the world believing no one cared!!!!!! and im not the self centered bitch who thinks the world is against her and left school and tells everyone how pissed she is at the world and how no one likes u!!! BULL FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! OPEN UR EYES SWEETHEART!!!!!! THIS ISNT ONE OF UR LITTLE ALTERNATE REALITIES!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!! u don't have to be rude to me kuz i get on facebook wen u dont or frankly kuz i dont call u!!! sorry u wanna talk to me u make the gesture im not gonna instagate every fucking conversation!!! and frankly if i dont wanna talk or instagate a conversation then OH WELL!!! GET OVER IT!!!! im not gonna pitty u!!! if ur looking for pitty and attention then ur looking in the wrong place..."
1. I never even said one thing she seems to think I believe.
2. Did I not message her multiple times asking specifically to reconnect, to do something with her?
3. She's blaming it on not being on Facebook when I am. She's been on Facebook, and I was messaging her privately. The first message I sent was in July and she still hasn't answered it.
Well, I'm feeling both hurt and bewildered then. Hurt because, well, she's my best friend, and she said that shit to me, and bewildered because I'm wondering where the hell she got all this shit she's saying about me. And after I carry my baby of a self down the stairs interrupting my girlfriend's cooking so I could get her to calm me down (because we all probably have guessed, at this point, I'm bawling. I'm someone who likes to please, and when someone's unhappy with me, I just can't take it. And I'm not really good at the self-calming shit either, you better believe that I'll relapse back into self-harm if I don't calm the fuck down soon enough). I reply rather calmly in a basic reply to the things she said, saying all that, that I have been reaching out to her and the ball has been on her side of the court for some time now, that I was sorry I appeared to be something I'm not, and that all I wanted was my friend back.
I've also been thinking about the part of her message that hit me the most. "Self-centred bitch..." it won't stop ringing in my head. This seems to be the common thing that people say to me when they're angry with me. With or without the "bitch." Am I though? I've never thought I was. And where does this shit she was saying about me come from? The last time I talked to her before this, we were just having a nice casual conversation. How do I possibly exhibit selfish behaviour when I haven't even seen her? And if anything, I need to be thinking about myself MORE, with how incredibly focused on pleasing everyone around me I am. One population seems to think I'm self-centred, and the other population says "You need to think about what YOU want for once." Well, which one is it?
I'm just not in a good place right now. My skin's too thin to deal with this. I just want to give up, I'm feeling like it's not worth the effort and emotional turmoil. But knowing me, I won't be letting this go very easily. I'm a major fucking pansy.
So I'm frustrated, being pushed to get together with my old friends but I'm completely convinced this girl is mad at me for some reason, and ignoring me because of that. I send out a last message because I'm just too tired of waiting for her to come around, saying that if she's not going to be my friend I'd like her to say so, because she wasn't being much of a friend and that I missed being with her. I got home and checked to see if she replied. In original grammar and spelling I quote,
"Well boo fucking hoo!!!!!!!!! im not the dummy who isolated myself from the world believing no one cared!!!!!! and im not the self centered bitch who thinks the world is against her and left school and tells everyone how pissed she is at the world and how no one likes u!!! BULL FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! OPEN UR EYES SWEETHEART!!!!!! THIS ISNT ONE OF UR LITTLE ALTERNATE REALITIES!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!! u don't have to be rude to me kuz i get on facebook wen u dont or frankly kuz i dont call u!!! sorry u wanna talk to me u make the gesture im not gonna instagate every fucking conversation!!! and frankly if i dont wanna talk or instagate a conversation then OH WELL!!! GET OVER IT!!!! im not gonna pitty u!!! if ur looking for pitty and attention then ur looking in the wrong place..."
1. I never even said one thing she seems to think I believe.
2. Did I not message her multiple times asking specifically to reconnect, to do something with her?
3. She's blaming it on not being on Facebook when I am. She's been on Facebook, and I was messaging her privately. The first message I sent was in July and she still hasn't answered it.
Well, I'm feeling both hurt and bewildered then. Hurt because, well, she's my best friend, and she said that shit to me, and bewildered because I'm wondering where the hell she got all this shit she's saying about me. And after I carry my baby of a self down the stairs interrupting my girlfriend's cooking so I could get her to calm me down (because we all probably have guessed, at this point, I'm bawling. I'm someone who likes to please, and when someone's unhappy with me, I just can't take it. And I'm not really good at the self-calming shit either, you better believe that I'll relapse back into self-harm if I don't calm the fuck down soon enough). I reply rather calmly in a basic reply to the things she said, saying all that, that I have been reaching out to her and the ball has been on her side of the court for some time now, that I was sorry I appeared to be something I'm not, and that all I wanted was my friend back.
I've also been thinking about the part of her message that hit me the most. "Self-centred bitch..." it won't stop ringing in my head. This seems to be the common thing that people say to me when they're angry with me. With or without the "bitch." Am I though? I've never thought I was. And where does this shit she was saying about me come from? The last time I talked to her before this, we were just having a nice casual conversation. How do I possibly exhibit selfish behaviour when I haven't even seen her? And if anything, I need to be thinking about myself MORE, with how incredibly focused on pleasing everyone around me I am. One population seems to think I'm self-centred, and the other population says "You need to think about what YOU want for once." Well, which one is it?
I'm just not in a good place right now. My skin's too thin to deal with this. I just want to give up, I'm feeling like it's not worth the effort and emotional turmoil. But knowing me, I won't be letting this go very easily. I'm a major fucking pansy.