Fiction
September 25th, 2011, 05:33 AM
I've been told that a lot of people have noticed i've changed. My boyfriend and my two best friends have apparently both noticed it.
The thing is I guess i've noticed i've changed too, I feel a lot more emotionally numb than usual, and thoughts about my own self- worth have pretty much hit rock bottom, and I guess it's having a negative effect on all my relationships now.
They've said that I seem distant, and like I don't care. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to make anyone close to me think I don't care, I do care. One of the few things i've always liked about my personality is that I help people, that I show people I care and if i've not got that, i've got nothing. It's just another reason to hate myself.
I feel like everyone would be better off if I was dead. I seem to hurt everyone. I've cut twice in the last 2 weeks, while that might not sound a lot, considering I was going a month at a time before, it is. I'm going to councelling on Tuesday, for my initial assesment for my eating disorder, which my doctor seems to think is starting to take it's toll on my body. All of that just makes me feel worse. It seems like a vicious cycle. I hate myself, I cut,starve or purge, I hate myself more.. so I do it again.
Yesterday as soon as I got in through the doors at about 6pm, I burst out crying. This was on and off until past 2am when I fell asleep, and more of that time was spent crying than anything else.
I don't know how to stop. I want to be back to normal. I hate this. I want to feel close to people again. I feel so fucking alone, and I don't know how much longer I can cope.
The thing is I guess i've noticed i've changed too, I feel a lot more emotionally numb than usual, and thoughts about my own self- worth have pretty much hit rock bottom, and I guess it's having a negative effect on all my relationships now.
They've said that I seem distant, and like I don't care. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to make anyone close to me think I don't care, I do care. One of the few things i've always liked about my personality is that I help people, that I show people I care and if i've not got that, i've got nothing. It's just another reason to hate myself.
I feel like everyone would be better off if I was dead. I seem to hurt everyone. I've cut twice in the last 2 weeks, while that might not sound a lot, considering I was going a month at a time before, it is. I'm going to councelling on Tuesday, for my initial assesment for my eating disorder, which my doctor seems to think is starting to take it's toll on my body. All of that just makes me feel worse. It seems like a vicious cycle. I hate myself, I cut,starve or purge, I hate myself more.. so I do it again.
Yesterday as soon as I got in through the doors at about 6pm, I burst out crying. This was on and off until past 2am when I fell asleep, and more of that time was spent crying than anything else.
I don't know how to stop. I want to be back to normal. I hate this. I want to feel close to people again. I feel so fucking alone, and I don't know how much longer I can cope.