Gravemind
September 23rd, 2011, 01:20 AM
I started cutting around January this year (I'm 16 years old). I was under a lot of stress and had been depressed for a few months already. One day, someone who I really cared about pushed me over the edge. That was the first time when I had felt so genuinely alone. I cut for the first time that night. I made me feel like there was at least one thing I could control. From that point on I tried not to get close to people anymore. I was afraid they would leave.
A few days later a girl from school noticed my scars and asked what was wrong. I didn't have a good answer, but we went outside and talked alone for a while. I had forgotten what It was like to feel cared for. That's how I felt with her. We became closer friends and talked more. She understood me more than anyone ever could and more than I believe anyone ever will. One thing led to another, and we started dating. She made me so happy that for a couple months I didn't cut at all. I felt like as long as she was in my life, I didn't need to.
Fast forward to now, she broke up with me for something I did, and a few things I didn't do. And now I wonder why I didn't listen to myself when I said I wouldn't let anyone get too close to me. We have been apart for about 2 months now, and every second still hurts. It was my fault. We're still friends, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I feel like I've driven away the one and only person who I feel comfortable being myself around. Now there's nobody left.
I had never cut so heavily as I have in these past few days. I still love her, and she told me she does too, but things could never be the same after what I've done. I'm feeling so helpless. I wish i could rewind the clock, but what's done is done. Things won't ever be the same, and I'm having a hard time adjusting to that.
In the meantime, my parents found out about my cutting and started checking my arms. I had to stop for a little while, but after they had checked for about 2 weeks and saw nothing new, they've stopped checking so often. It's been about 2 weeks since the last time they did and I hope they don't any time soon. They would be so disappointed. They would never trust me alone again. I wish they would understand.
I just can't seem to control myself anymore. I haven't had a clean day this week. My life is falling apart and I don't know how else to cope with it. I just need someone to talk to. Hopefully this wall of text isn't too much. I tried to make it as short as I could without leaving anything out.
A few days later a girl from school noticed my scars and asked what was wrong. I didn't have a good answer, but we went outside and talked alone for a while. I had forgotten what It was like to feel cared for. That's how I felt with her. We became closer friends and talked more. She understood me more than anyone ever could and more than I believe anyone ever will. One thing led to another, and we started dating. She made me so happy that for a couple months I didn't cut at all. I felt like as long as she was in my life, I didn't need to.
Fast forward to now, she broke up with me for something I did, and a few things I didn't do. And now I wonder why I didn't listen to myself when I said I wouldn't let anyone get too close to me. We have been apart for about 2 months now, and every second still hurts. It was my fault. We're still friends, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I feel like I've driven away the one and only person who I feel comfortable being myself around. Now there's nobody left.
I had never cut so heavily as I have in these past few days. I still love her, and she told me she does too, but things could never be the same after what I've done. I'm feeling so helpless. I wish i could rewind the clock, but what's done is done. Things won't ever be the same, and I'm having a hard time adjusting to that.
In the meantime, my parents found out about my cutting and started checking my arms. I had to stop for a little while, but after they had checked for about 2 weeks and saw nothing new, they've stopped checking so often. It's been about 2 weeks since the last time they did and I hope they don't any time soon. They would be so disappointed. They would never trust me alone again. I wish they would understand.
I just can't seem to control myself anymore. I haven't had a clean day this week. My life is falling apart and I don't know how else to cope with it. I just need someone to talk to. Hopefully this wall of text isn't too much. I tried to make it as short as I could without leaving anything out.