Chester
September 21st, 2011, 03:16 PM
NOTICE: this will be a long read, but please, I’d be happy if you can spend some of your time to go through these paragraphs. I have nowhere else I can share this with. Please help me out!
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May be I'm better off dead!! I wish I could give this life to someone who needs it better than I do!
I just turned 16 this month, and I don't enjoy my life. There's nothing particularly so awful going on, but i DON'T feel happy and i'm not sure why :( Not only I cannot make myself happy, I'm not capable of making anyone else so too. Thanks to that fact, I find it worthless to preserve this meaningless life. My days are really dull and boring, and looking back into the past is painful, yet I keep on connecting it to the present. Actually I've started to think that there's something wrong within me. I'm probably abnormal. I undergo things that many people did, but the impact on me is like a million times worse!
What keeps me up to now is because I won't suicide. I know it is bad, a big sin, and I 'm not taking any wild chances. So I feel like running away from the rest of the world aimlessly, has no where to go, no reason to stay alive. Worse, I dislike meeting my school community and other people, and am avoiding those right now. On the other hand, many times, I feel lonely, despite the truth that my family is just some meters away from me. But I feel no warmth, I feel none of their passion.
My family is messed up, every each of us has bad relationship with one another. We aren't meant to be together. Our characteristics, point of views, personalities don't match! But recently, I'm pretty close to my sister. I hope this will stay long. More or less, we're placed in the same situation, so she's the best person to share my feelings (although i still can't believe how I actually go along with her somehow_ we used to fight endlessly). Plus, My mom has always wanted to have a divorce. I never mind this, if it will make her feel better and free. But that day.. is likely to never happen.
My dad is a cold person most of the time. He's definitely not someone I could talk to. Since I was young, he treated me strictly. He has a high blood pressure, making him a lot harder to approach. Often, he got mad at me with no reason. I shouldn't have felt sad or sorry, I did nothing wrong.. but I can't. I was always feel painful for every full of hatred words he said.
My mom hopes that I will be or were dead. I cried every time she said this to me. She's not someone I wished she could be. I am crying tears of joy secretly whenever she does something kind, even from to the simplest thing. To me, listening her talk to me without shouting is cherish-able. I always wanted her to be a good listener and friend to me --which she can never be. I need someone to chat to, to share my opinions and point of view. However, once we're in a conversation, it will just end up with some argument fights and unpleasant feeling.
My parents went rage when I said that I don't feel being loved. Or, that they only cared for my little sister since we're kids.
But I loved her so much, however she does not seem to understand. The only thing she thought is that I'm a worthless child who hates her to unimaginable point.
I begin to hate school again..
Lately I started to make things more miserable than it already is. I stopped going to school, and I've missed a term already. I don't feel comfortable during the classes. I don't know how to fix this, when I no longer desire anything at school. I am not motivated and the only reason why I'm thinking of this as a problem is solely because I wanted to finish grade 11 and study abroad.
To be honest, I didn't value most of the things I learnt at school. Like those complicated algebraic math and what so ever, when I never wanted to be a mathematician or a professor! I like drawing, all I wished to be is an artist, and what does this has to do?! Plus, in count of weeks, I'll forget them anyway? And what I seek in life is happiness
Ever since the initial of year 11, I feel so down. I only have 6 old friends left in the class (it was originally 9, but 3 of them transferred). It was a big hit to me, since I lost two of my good friends- one between the two was my crush.
Hmm I have a best friend here with me, however it doesn't seem to help out much. We've been together since elementary 6, but our relationship is somehow not pure. It's like we're bond because there's no other better choice left to us. We only have a few students here, and that gives no other option.
I cried a lot, I always feel sad, I'm longing for something which is not real, I pull my self out from people, I have no faith in myself, AND now I type a bunch of crap.
Some people said that I am suffering a bipolar disease. I looked it up on google.. and I think that may be true.. I don't know, what does it matters anyway :(
But once I feel happiness(which usually comes out of satisfaction, such as: I enjoy reading a certain Manga series or I finished my piece of artwork / such), it's irreplaceable. I felt extraordinarily happy, although it was just for a whim, I felt at ease, and I associated myself with other people to show them how happy I were, as if the loads are taken away from me. So, so far, the only thing that excites me are only reading manga, watching anime, drawing and listening to music. But now that my internet is very slow, I cannot stand watching anime/reading manga online when I have to wait years for the page to load! And unfortunately, my drawing hobby is not a constant resource. I am like a maniac when I come to that. I can spend hours drawing or doing digital art without any sleep. However, there are some points when the mood/feel to draw disappears.. and I'm in the situation of the sorts at the time being. :( I feel so lost. What am I suppose to do?
Can anyone suggest me something that will probably work on the likes of me? Coz I tried to look at some advices on the inet, but they doesn't seem to work on me. I can't pull myself up together, so please help me out!! I need someone to speak some words.. I wanted to know how to get out of this awkward misery!
Sorry for making you guys go through all the pain in the ass paragraphs. I appreciate every each of you who cared reading this. Thanks
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May be I'm better off dead!! I wish I could give this life to someone who needs it better than I do!
I just turned 16 this month, and I don't enjoy my life. There's nothing particularly so awful going on, but i DON'T feel happy and i'm not sure why :( Not only I cannot make myself happy, I'm not capable of making anyone else so too. Thanks to that fact, I find it worthless to preserve this meaningless life. My days are really dull and boring, and looking back into the past is painful, yet I keep on connecting it to the present. Actually I've started to think that there's something wrong within me. I'm probably abnormal. I undergo things that many people did, but the impact on me is like a million times worse!
What keeps me up to now is because I won't suicide. I know it is bad, a big sin, and I 'm not taking any wild chances. So I feel like running away from the rest of the world aimlessly, has no where to go, no reason to stay alive. Worse, I dislike meeting my school community and other people, and am avoiding those right now. On the other hand, many times, I feel lonely, despite the truth that my family is just some meters away from me. But I feel no warmth, I feel none of their passion.
My family is messed up, every each of us has bad relationship with one another. We aren't meant to be together. Our characteristics, point of views, personalities don't match! But recently, I'm pretty close to my sister. I hope this will stay long. More or less, we're placed in the same situation, so she's the best person to share my feelings (although i still can't believe how I actually go along with her somehow_ we used to fight endlessly). Plus, My mom has always wanted to have a divorce. I never mind this, if it will make her feel better and free. But that day.. is likely to never happen.
My dad is a cold person most of the time. He's definitely not someone I could talk to. Since I was young, he treated me strictly. He has a high blood pressure, making him a lot harder to approach. Often, he got mad at me with no reason. I shouldn't have felt sad or sorry, I did nothing wrong.. but I can't. I was always feel painful for every full of hatred words he said.
My mom hopes that I will be or were dead. I cried every time she said this to me. She's not someone I wished she could be. I am crying tears of joy secretly whenever she does something kind, even from to the simplest thing. To me, listening her talk to me without shouting is cherish-able. I always wanted her to be a good listener and friend to me --which she can never be. I need someone to chat to, to share my opinions and point of view. However, once we're in a conversation, it will just end up with some argument fights and unpleasant feeling.
My parents went rage when I said that I don't feel being loved. Or, that they only cared for my little sister since we're kids.
But I loved her so much, however she does not seem to understand. The only thing she thought is that I'm a worthless child who hates her to unimaginable point.
I begin to hate school again..
Lately I started to make things more miserable than it already is. I stopped going to school, and I've missed a term already. I don't feel comfortable during the classes. I don't know how to fix this, when I no longer desire anything at school. I am not motivated and the only reason why I'm thinking of this as a problem is solely because I wanted to finish grade 11 and study abroad.
To be honest, I didn't value most of the things I learnt at school. Like those complicated algebraic math and what so ever, when I never wanted to be a mathematician or a professor! I like drawing, all I wished to be is an artist, and what does this has to do?! Plus, in count of weeks, I'll forget them anyway? And what I seek in life is happiness
Ever since the initial of year 11, I feel so down. I only have 6 old friends left in the class (it was originally 9, but 3 of them transferred). It was a big hit to me, since I lost two of my good friends- one between the two was my crush.
Hmm I have a best friend here with me, however it doesn't seem to help out much. We've been together since elementary 6, but our relationship is somehow not pure. It's like we're bond because there's no other better choice left to us. We only have a few students here, and that gives no other option.
I cried a lot, I always feel sad, I'm longing for something which is not real, I pull my self out from people, I have no faith in myself, AND now I type a bunch of crap.
Some people said that I am suffering a bipolar disease. I looked it up on google.. and I think that may be true.. I don't know, what does it matters anyway :(
But once I feel happiness(which usually comes out of satisfaction, such as: I enjoy reading a certain Manga series or I finished my piece of artwork / such), it's irreplaceable. I felt extraordinarily happy, although it was just for a whim, I felt at ease, and I associated myself with other people to show them how happy I were, as if the loads are taken away from me. So, so far, the only thing that excites me are only reading manga, watching anime, drawing and listening to music. But now that my internet is very slow, I cannot stand watching anime/reading manga online when I have to wait years for the page to load! And unfortunately, my drawing hobby is not a constant resource. I am like a maniac when I come to that. I can spend hours drawing or doing digital art without any sleep. However, there are some points when the mood/feel to draw disappears.. and I'm in the situation of the sorts at the time being. :( I feel so lost. What am I suppose to do?
Can anyone suggest me something that will probably work on the likes of me? Coz I tried to look at some advices on the inet, but they doesn't seem to work on me. I can't pull myself up together, so please help me out!! I need someone to speak some words.. I wanted to know how to get out of this awkward misery!
Sorry for making you guys go through all the pain in the ass paragraphs. I appreciate every each of you who cared reading this. Thanks