Never good enough

[Iris]

I don't do anything right. I always mess up. The smallest things, I mess up. I'll say a word, and it'll come out sounding strange, and I'll beat myself up about it for the rest of the day. Everything I do is a mistake. I'm a mistake. I want to be perfect. But I'm so far away from that, it's like a cruel joke. I should be able to fix my parents marriage, and get my dad to come home earlier than 1 am, maybe see him for more than, at the most, 5 minutes a day, and stop snapping at and hating my mother; I should be helping her out of this depression. I should be pulling through my own depression, I shouldn't have to put so much effort to get myself to do homework, I shouldn't always forget to clean the litterbox, I shouldn't have to work hard on these stupid little superficial friendships. I should call my grandparents, visit my other grandma, call my brother. I should be better. I should always get hundreds on tests. I should know Hebrew fluently by now. I should have more than one person who gives a fuck about me. I shouldn't be here right now; I should be doing all the other things I just can't bear to face. I shouldn't be such a fat, lazy, stupid loser. I should be doing stuff. I shouldn't have so many issues. I shouldn't always do stupid things. I shouldn't have to worry about all these things that parents are supposed to. I shouldn't have to be the adult in this house. And I shouldn't have to fill the place of another sibling. I shouldn't be so miserable and lost. I shouldn't be planning my suicide every other day. I should be stronger. I should be better I should be able to make it through this crap unscathed. I should be able to keep my cool. I should be able to cry. I should be able to put on clothes, look in the mirror and like what I see. I shouldn't be such a weak person. I should be better. Why am I not better? Fuck. I can't stand being such a big mistake. I'll never do anything right. If I don't disappoint anyone else, I can be sure I'll disappoint myself. Every second I live is another thing to chastise myself about. Fuck me. I shouldn't exist. Everyone would be better off.

Sigh.

This shit is going through my head over and over. It's vicious. How the fuck am I supposed to do anything productive like this....

[MalditoDia]

you should exsist. but you cant beferct theres things that you just arent good at. you shouldnt blame your self for your parents. you shouldnt have to fill someone elses place. dont plan your suicide because your life is precious wheter you know it.

[Carlyle]

Lily, no one is or ever will be perfect. Its just not humanly possible. Don't get mad at yourself for all of that, it happens, you just need to forgive and forget even if its stuff you did. You are not a mistake, and your life has purpose. Please don't say that about yourself.

[donetasy]

look back at the things that you've accomplished and not at what you possibly could've/should've done instead. try to be happy with yourself and you'll see things in a different way :)

[Iris]

Thanks guys...I'm going to a psychiatrist to get pills today so maybe these thoughts will back off soon...