I'm done.

[IcarusLives]

Today marks the.. I don't know how many days where I end up in tears at least in one part of it or another.

Nothing's changing.. I'm not getting any better, if anything worse, my old self seems to be gone, my friends don't know me as the person I used to be because I'm not him, just a depressed, anxious sort of shell of what i used to be...

Everything in terms of social circles and stuff is coming down around me as a result of how I've changed too, if I were someone else, I wouldn't want to be around me either.. Even more reflected in the fact that she's gone too now.. Back before any of this started I was someone worth being around, my lack of self worth, but not in confidence back then still made me not able to fully realize it though..

I realize it now, of course, now that it's gone.. Again it's been a year and a bit since this all started or so, nothing's changing regardless of how much I try, it's only getting worse, I'm getting more depressed and anxious, and seeing less and less of a reason to be living right now...

I don't want to have to live in this fucking world if living is the exact thing that's causing this in the first place... Life isn't torture for me metaphorically, it literally is...

What's the point of living if no matter what you do, everything to you is either blank or negative? The whole point of life is to be happy really, if you literally *CAN'T* be fucking happy it seems, and can only be the opposite or 100% blank, then why live at all. As much of a defeatist attitude as it may sound, yeah, I've got reason to be anyway..

And it also just seems fucking logical, I live, I go through more of this seemingly never ending shit. I die, I never have to go through or do anything again..

Call it blank-ness I guess, which is the closest to positivity I can get anyway. The difference is I wouldn't even have to perceive that either this way, all it does is make me even more depressed in the realization that I can't fucking be happy anyway..

Fortunately none of you have to freak out *too* much, not like I'm holding a knife to my wrists right now, but for fuck's sake, it's been over a year and nothing's changed.. What's the point? No matter how I look at it, I don't fucking see one.. I live for the slim 0.0001% of hope I somehow still manage to retain that tomorrow might change. What the fuck's the point anymore, honestly?

I'm at the end of my rope here, how many more days, weeks, months if I can even make it through that, can I make it through before I just give up? Or will there even be a point to it in the end if I don't?

I don't know. I'm the only seventeen year old I fucking know who's not only going for therapy, but who's on two fucking types of anti-depressants, and still can't manage to be happy. I should win a fucking award for being me...

Then again looking at the board I'm posting on, I guess we all should...

I'm not looking for attention, just a place to vent and get a fucking question answered...

Just tell me if there's a fucking point or not to all of this, and if so, how the fuck is there? I'm already ridiculously rooted in my opinion that there isn't, I swear to god if you can somehow sway my mindset you're probably a fucking miracle worker.

[xdancing_for_rainx]

I don't have too much to say right now (have to leave soon)... but, please keep going. You can make it through, no matter how difficult or pointless it might seem. There's always a chance for a better day.

Maybe I can come back and edit this or say something useful later; but in the meantime- don't give up. You can make it.

[Skyhawk]

I'm a lot like you, except I maintain a façade infront of everyone, but I'm with you.

Keep going, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

[donetasy]

I've also been at that point, but only waiting for a change of things doesn't help.
You have to fight your way out of it, change yourself, try new things and don't
give up until you found something that you have fun with, something that you can be
happy with.

But most importantly, don't give up. It can only get better, not worse.

[ryanx]

I was in your shoes just 2 months ago before I started University.

It was during the summer and I broke down almost everyday. I felt life was pointless and everything I did had no real purpose. Waking up is the worst and going to sleep was the best "enjoyment" I had.

However, now looking back, I see the entire landscape of my problem and it was simple.

You MUST MUST MUST find something in your life you are passionate about! This was the KEY to solving my depression. It will be hard though because you won't be motivated to do any of the work required to find that passion. So in order to do so, you might need medication to jump-start & artificialize your motivation to wake up in the day and put it effort to search for your passion. It might require you to join a club, a sports team, or even university (in my case, I needed a definite career path along side putting time into my favourite hobbies such as tennis; try to find something physically involving as it WILL relieve stress and tension).

Finding your passion will lead to you to find your purpose in life. However, the hard part is to find that passion and to employ ways to secure it in a realistic manner.

[IcarusLives]

Doesn't mean it's not gonna plateau at the bottom forever.

I am trying to find something or some way to get myself out of this, but no matter what I do, I always feel the same..

I can't change my actual mind-set, I can go out and fake being happy, fake having fun, fake being interested in anything, when on the inside I'll just be a depressed, anhedonic, apathetic and anxious wreck in reality.

No matter what I do or what I try, I always end up feeling the exact same way. It's making me wonder why I do any of it in the first place.

Nice, loving the input. Running out of time here.

Phenomenal no responses. Well the only things that's changed so far is that I've already decided that if things haven't changed by the end of next summer I'm killing myself before I ever even step foot into University if anyone's wondering. I'll be sure to keep you fucking updated though.

So in other words even the moderators can't take you seriously on this website. I appreciate that, very comforting.

[briannafrmhell]

Your life has just begun. You are not going to have the same issues today as you're going to have in 5 years or even next year. Don't worry about what anyone thinks. Just say screw you and better yourself as a person and productive member of society.

Think of your future. It's not always going to be horrible. Your future kids will thank you for sticking it out and not throwing in the towel selfishly.

Don't know what else to say. Hope you feel better.

[IcarusLives]

But I am, for fucks sake I didn't have the same problems I have now five years *AGO* either, over time my life just seems to get worse, who's to say that isn't going to happen again in the first place... No one... And every new day never ceases to amaze me, I must be a genius, I'm right literally every fucking time... It DOES only get worse...

Sorry for sounding so pessimistic. I just call it realistic instead... Then again guess since we're all depressed our perception's kind of warped...

Whatever I'm not in the mood for deep discussion, just feel like venting again that I fucking hate my fucking life...

[briannafrmhell]

Ok well good luck. Just remember that there's always someone worse off than you, and that people always pull through. There's somebody dying somewhere that would gladly switch places with you.

[IcarusLives]

And as of now I would gladly switch places with him too. Thanks regardless though guess I'll see how this goes..

[bearshark]

Hey Icarus.

I could see myself in a lot of what you said in your original post. Life hasn't been that great for me in the past few years either. Something I've learned is that things don't seem to change until I make serious effort into what I want to change.

So tell me, what do you want to do in life? I want you to ask yourself that and really think about it for the next few days. The obvious answer right now would be happiness and the answers to your questions. I'm talking about things you really want to do with your life. I look forward to your reply. Hang in there.

[IcarusLives]

I just want to be happy, that's honestly all I want anymore.......

The problem is I don't want anything, I have no interest in almost anything...

All I feel is sad, broken... I put up a barrier to the rest of the world sometimes because I..

I don't know, I don't feel like opening up right now either...

I just want a fucking hug, that's what I want.....

Leave me alone for a while..

[Skyhawk]

I just want a fucking hug.

Welcome to the club.

Membership bonuses include free hugs.

:hug:
:hug:
:hug: