The Edge.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

How long can one person stay balanced on the edge, before they get completely pushed over it?

I am struggling. I really am. It's getting to the point that all I'm thinking about is cutting, burning, scratching etc. I'm hardly me anymore. It's like I'm on pilot mode. I just do and say the things that are expected of me... I'm becoming a robot. No thoughts. No feelings. I've noticed that I'm rarely happy. And I mean 100% truely happy. Even when I think "ooooh, I'm happy"... I realise that I'm just putting it on. I'm becoming really good at acting - even from myself.

I'm not in control any more. Since I've cut down on the cutting, I'm losing it more. I'm...I need it to feel in control.

I've started a new college course, after realising that I'm a failure at A-Levels, I went for something else, something different. I'm struggling more with that in the first two weeks than I did all last year. There's just too much work... Too much to do.

And I'm still getting my parents onto my back about me getting a job - where I can't find any, if I do apply for one I get turned down straight away or I get to the interview stage and... guess what. I'm not good enough and get turned down. I can't be doing with any more. I know I need to get a job. I know I need to get on doing work. Blah, blah, blah.

I don't know. Everything's messed up. I don't know what to do any more. I am actually on the verge of giving up. Giving everything up.

I just want to go crawl into bed and cry... and cut. Deep. On my arms. Don't care about the consequences.

Sorry for this... I guess it's pretty pointless... Guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

[ShatteredGlass]

Well then you've come to the right place, and it's not pointless. Dont ever give up on your life or yourself because you're worth succeeding. Im familiar with the feeling your describing often times when we dont deal with our emotions we disassociate ourself with them because it's just easier that way or just a natural defense mechanism. Until you find a healthy means of coping Itll be hard to get back in touch with your emotions. You cant go anywhere until you decide where you're headed. Up or Down? Healed or Hurt? If you choose free please PM if I can I'd really like to help you. You don't have to cut, you don't have to stay this way forever, you can heal, you can be free from it and you can be happy and it starts with your choice.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

It feels like I don't have a choice in it though. That even if I do try and get better, get over it... In the end I just fall harder and faster. I just don't know what to do. I know what I should do but I don't know if I'm strong enough to take the first step.