I want to cut up my face

[Amaryllis]

I can't take it anymore. I miss Ana. I want her back. I want to be skinny. My face will be ugly no matter what I do but at least I'll be skinny. Skinnier. Skinniest.

I want to shred my face. Why not? I'm hideous no matter what I do. Hell, I'll cut up my waist, my tummy, arms, legs. It's all fat. I don't need fat. I don't want fat. I don't deserve fat. Everyone else should eat well and not abuse their bodies. I shouldn't. I don't deserve to. I'm ugly, fat and hopeless.

This is stupid. I know what I'm saying is wrong. I don't care. I want to chop myself up, cut off some toes, cut every inch of fat out. I'll die of blood loss. It'll be the most gruesome suicide and my friends and parents will pay. My parents will.

I know this is a low phase, I'm bipolar, this will pass. But I don't care. I'm fat and ugly. I know it's true because people say so. I know it's true because I know so. I don't want to do this but I have to. I can't not do this. I want my eating disorder. But I don't.

I feel like a failure for posting this. I feel whiny. But I know this is wrong. But it feels right. Why not?

I need help.

[EarthToBryan]

You aren't a failure, self harm is a mechanism of coping under extreme levels of stress. Before you do something you might wish you didn't later on just sleep on it. Wait one night, or maybe longer, to make sure this is what you really want to do before doing something irreversible. People don't want you to hurt, or feel unattractive. You are valuable, you might not see it now through your distorted perspective, but it's true.

[Iris]

First off, you're not a failure. You've accomplished so much, and overcome so many obstacles, and you're only 15. Give yourself some credit. You are working so hard to recover, and are doing so well. Whenever you fall, you pick yourself back up, and on the way you make sure to help out others who are down. That's incredible. Don't give up on yourself so easily.

Second, you know this is your low point, so know that all these thoughts are only surfacing so strongly because you're at this depressed level. Give yourself a reality check, and know that right now you can't trust your perception of yourself, because it's what you're feeling that's defining the way you look. You aren't fat. You aren't ugly. You're you. The words of 'Fuckin Perfect" are in your sig; remember the rest of the song? How you are perfect? You only see the bad right now. You have to get through this so you can see the good.

You know you can always talk/vent to me if you need to.

[Amaryllis]

Thanks Bryan and Lily. I just feel so fat and ugly no matter what I do. I was ugly when I was anorexic but at least I wasn't fat. I want that back. I was the skinniest. No one could touch me. They could call me an ugly anorexic, they could leave me, but I beat them all. I went further than all of them. I want to go further than everyone, torture myself more than any of them could.

Pour oil over my head. Set it on fire.

Mama says I don't have a right to feel the way I do. She's said that my entire life. I'll show her. I just want to show her how much pain I'm in. Make her pay. I want her to suffer, I want her to feel guilty. I want my "friends" to pay. I feel like a whiny kid. I feel old. I just want it to stop.

But I know this is stupid.

[SosbanFach]

You're not fat! You're not ugly! Do you really want to return to being twenty kilos, to being miserable, and lonely? That's not good for anyone, and it won't make you feel any better. You can pull through this. I have faith in you.

[Carlyle]

Faith, sorry to hear you feel that way.. But you are not fat or ugly! Don't be so hard on yourself. Its hard at times, but it gets better. And being Anorexic isn't good. Please, don't do that to yourself.

[Amaryllis]

I know anorexia won't do me any good. I know I won't achieve what I plan to. People will just leave me again, call me names, spread rumours, do cruel things like stick notes in my locker asking me to die. But at least I'll have Ana. Ana's better than no one. And Ana makes me strong. Ana keeps me thin. I want to be thin. Why shouldn't I look like how I feel? I don't deserve to have nice things happen anyway.

And it doesn't matter if my face is shredded, I can't look any worse.

Sorry, I know this is terrible, what I'm saying and doing. Thanks for reading. Please leave if you find this triggering.

[SinisterMystery]

Please, don't hurt yourself.
Don't starve yourself, cut yourself, purge etc...
It's not worth it. It might sound hypocritical coming from me but it's true.

[OptimusPrime]

First off you're not ugly. Second off if you want a friend to talk to about this I'm always going to be there for you. You're a good person. I think we've got each others MSN's or something like that too.

[Amaryllis]

I know it's not worth it. "Skinny isn't worth the consequences". That's what I tell everyone. But hey, easier said than done... I know, it's dumb. What I want to do. But I don't feel like I have anything to lose. it's wrong. This is a phase. Life is better without Ana. Things get better. Self-harm only gets worse. I know. But it's hard.

Thanks for replying, by the way :) I'm sure I'll be fine.

[SinisterMystery]

You'll be fine sweetie, it always gets better. Even if it's only for a little while :hug:

[Bath]

I don't know if this'll help, but I've never talked to you properly on here, and I have bunch of respect for you. I think you are incredibly pretty and have such a unique, lovable personality and express yourself so well.

It's a good release, what you're writing, if you don't already you should keep a journal.

You're right, you'll feel better soon. Ana is terrible. But there's this quote that I've always loved...

"There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.

I am thawing."