Little Things...

[Fiction]

I'm guessing if you're reading this, you have some form of ED.

I'm also going to assume there was a time before you had an ED.

What i'm asking is now you think back, where there any small signs that you where ever going to develop one?

I know for me i've always had a strange perception of food. Seeing some foods as "dirty" foods, and therefore hating the idea of eating them, even if I actually like the food. I know i've also had difficulty talking about food as long as I can remember. I never wanted to admit to eating... as though for some reason people would judge me for it.

I developed my ED just over a year ago, but before that i'd make plans to monitor my weight over time, to see if I could lose weight. I've been doing that for the last 3 years or so, it's just that I didn't actually act on it until just over a year ago.

Also has anyone else experienced similar things to me?

[unknownuser]

Well, for me I was always the chubby kid. My family ate a lot of junk foods and never exercised. People would talk about me behind my back, I didn't have much friends (and I still don't, but who cares?) even my parents would call me a "fat lazy cow". Up until the end of 8th grade I thought, "I'm fat, so what? I'm always going to be fat, there's nothing I can do about it.", but then I fell for diet foods the summer between 8-9th grade and started exercising and noticed "hey, I'm losing weight! This isn't that hard!" So I dropped from 140-ish to about 115 just like that that summer. Once school started, I couldn't help but noticing that people were still so much thinner than me (even though I wasn't "chubby" anymore) so from Aug-Oct I kinda gradually started to stop eating and dropped to 85 (yuck, I know). Then I got help and now I'm better...

So I guess that I was just trying to please everyone- my parents, friends, other kids, myself and I didn't want to be talked about anymore. So I guess the over-excercising, diet foods, and "clean/pure/good" foods were also signs. I've been a perfectionist my whole life and I've never been able to be satisfied with anything, my weight and looks being one of those things.

[Amaryllis]

I never liked the way I looked. I was always a perfectionist and a control freak. I suffered from an anxiety disorder and OCD(which is an anxiety disorder). Anorexia was just another thing I could control and obsess over. My mum was a bit of a... Control freak and a perfectionist. She ate little as well. My half sister suffered from an Eating Disorder.

I guess it was gonna come sooner or later. But sometimes I wish I could go back to when it didn't exist. When food was just food. When I was naturally slim. But dwelling on that just makes me hate myself.

[stories]

Back in July, I was going through a lot of emotional stress and when I do I forget to eat and am not hungry. I remember the week I was just not that hungry. And then I had a shopping list of food to get at the grocery store and on the bottom, somehow I decided to write a calorie count. I wrote how many calories I should eat a day for my height and weight for normal consumption and to lose fat. A friend of mine saw it and was a bit shocked, saying he didn't think I counted calories. I told him I didn't, feeling secretive about it. I tried to keep a food journal once to watch what I was eating when I was younger, without writing the calories though, but couldn't keep it up. Starting again interested me. It just spiraled out of control after that. I realized I was in control of what I was eating then. I didn't like the way I looked much anyways so it felt good to control that too. It just has gotten a bit out of hand since then.

[Bath]

When I was in elementary school, I would see how far along in the day I would go without getting hungry. Whenever I would go past 3pm without eating, I would feel proud. My eating disorder is mostly a form of control over numbers, so that would have been a big clue right there.

Also, when I was 12, I remember reeeeally wanting to be skinny. Thin and light and pure. I still didn't really know what an ED was, but I would see how long I could go without eating and I would see if it helped.

When I was 14, a combination of the want of control and wanting to be skinny took over. I realized this after a McDonalds meal. I drank half a jug of club soda, stood over the toilet, punched myself in the stomach, threw up the bubbly fatty grease, and decided I would start being "pure" and "in control" now.

[screamtobeheard]

I've always thought I was fat and ugly. Even when I was little. I used to hope that when I grew up and got to go to dances in high school, I'd get skinny. Then I started my little diets. When I was still pretty young. I obsessed. I'd poke and prod at my stomach and hips. I abhorred the words "belly" and "tummy." All kinds of this kind of thing...for as long as I can remember.

[xdancing_for_rainx]

When I was younger, I remember always sorta wanting to be underweight. I didn't do a whole lot to actually make myself underweight or anything, but that was my goal. I remember worrying about how big my thighs were, if my stomach bulged at all, or if I could see/feel my bones through my skin.

I've been afraid of eating in front of people for... I don't even know how long. It started getting worse around 6th grade, when I refused to eat at school. I was terrified people would watch me eat, and judge me for it. And figured it wouldn't be too bad if I lost a few pounds along the way by not eating.

Then I started losing weight without much explanation a little over a year ago. Lost a few pounds with that, decided I was happy, and wanted to lose more. After that my goal weight just sorta kept going down. Started freaking out if the number on the scale went up even a little bit. And this started to give me more control. I began counting calories, purging a bit, and eating less then lying about it. So that along with my other fears/issues turned into the problems I have now.

[ShadowGirl]

The biggest thing happened in nutrition class. We had to watch a movie about a girl who developed an eating disorder. I sat there wishing I could be as thin as she was and took note of how she hid her anorexia. That movie was what gave me the courage to stop eating.

[Syvelocin]

The transition would never be so hard since it wasn't like I ate a lot. I've always been small, it's in my genes. And it requires less food to fuel a smaller body. The only other thing is that I've never exactly been on good terms with food. I've always had that eating anxiety, about people knowing that I'm eating and what they'll think of me. It's a bit different though because when the symptoms did start up, it was in response to sexual abuse so my motives were different initially. It was when I realized it didn't change a thing that my motives changed, but by then I was stuck, already trapped.