relapsing badly

[Nevermore]

So I've been cutting everyday now for a little while, and honestly I don't care. Each time I want to go deeper then before, it's like a game. It's sort of sick in a way, because I want to die. Either bleed out to death, or starving to death. I've been eating practically nothing, and I'm loving it. I love hurting myself and I just don't want help. I'm lying to everyone around me. I refuse to bull shit here though. Because here I feel like I can speak freely. I'm partically afraid of myself, and partically loving this fear.

[xXl0sth0peXx]

Everything you just said.. is like true to me.. I don't eat, I wanna die. I definitely agree with the 'it's a game'... This is the only place I will open up.. because no one in real life actually would know.

[bambino]

I understand the mentality. "I want to be dead, I want to self-destruct I want to starve myself away, I want to bleed out." I hate myself so much sometimes that seems like a preferrable option than trying to be happy.
But Sammy, can you not remember a time - sitting in the sun with the warmth on your skin, or swimming and feeling weightless, eating as much as you want and enjoying it, laughing with friends over something ridiculous, doing well at something and feeling proud, making someone smile, giving someone you love a hug. Happy memories?

Because thats what you need to hang on for- dont do this to yourself, no matter what you think you don't deserve it, and maybe you do take pleasure in destroying yourself in a perverse way... I think we all do. But eventually it breeds so much misery, im sure a lot of us would give anything to go back before we got in too deep.

Dont give up hope. There is a side of every one of us that wants to live, fight for her.

[Nevermore]

Thanks for your repsonse Cat and V. I guess my problem is I don't have any happy memories. I've had an ED since age 5 when I was first sexually abused, and it just went downhill from there with the eating. As far as having friends, I've never had friends because people thought I was weird, and anti social. I mean I do have some happy memories, and I hold onto them dearly, but all the people in my memories have left me. They've given up on me, and abandoned me. I feel so alone. My mother and grandmother expect me to fail at life. My grandmom said I bet you won't last 2 weeks in school, you'll be crying and running back to your mother. I've lasted above two weeks, and they are both surprised and angry at me for not failing. Which is weird because you'd think they'd want me to succeed, but no. I haven't given up hope, okay, well maybe I have. I just need a way to cope with all the shit that's going on, because my world is falling apart around me, and I literally have no stable ground to hold onto.