Amaryllis
September 15th, 2011, 07:47 AM
ANXIETY
I spilled water on the floor
"Stupid girl! Stupid!"
Mama's voice plays in my head
Over
And over
And over
"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid."
Water. On. The. Floor.
737.
Blink. Blink. Blink.
Bright red numbers stare back at me
Like blood. Like hell.
I went 237 calories
Over my caloric limit
Too much
For a fat girl like me.
Confirm.
"You will be 77lbs in 3 weeks"
Stupid calorie counter.
Stupid girl.
Stupid odd numbers.
Tilted. Warped. Ugly.
A word went
Out of line
I rip the page into pieces
How hideous.
I have to be good enough.
Then I panic.
I killed a tree.
I sit in front of the TV
Totally Spies.
I am frozen
Someone
Will bomb the house
The house will catch on fire
I will burn.
"Mama, I'm sorry."
She looks at my report card
B.
Bad.
"Why can't you be smart like your friends?"
"What's wrong with you?"
Everything, mama.
Everything.
"Stupid girl! Stupid!"
My mother's cries break the silence
She does this
Every night
I'm scared.
What if she kills herself?
What will I do?
What if
I want her to?
Alone.
The shower runs
Steam fogging the glass
I am shaking.
What if there are
Ghosts?
I scream.
4:37am
Still awake.
I made a
Mistake.
I said something wrong
They will hate me
Tomorrow
I curl into a ball and think
Always, always thinking
"Daddy, I'm sorry."
Hand. Legs. Pain.
"You're a mistake! A mistake!"
Yes, daddy
I'm a
Mistake.
(I don't even know what this poem's about. All I know is, it's irregular, there is no rhythm, rhyme, structure. Nothing. It's too long and I can't stop editing it.)
I spilled water on the floor
"Stupid girl! Stupid!"
Mama's voice plays in my head
Over
And over
And over
"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid."
Water. On. The. Floor.
737.
Blink. Blink. Blink.
Bright red numbers stare back at me
Like blood. Like hell.
I went 237 calories
Over my caloric limit
Too much
For a fat girl like me.
Confirm.
"You will be 77lbs in 3 weeks"
Stupid calorie counter.
Stupid girl.
Stupid odd numbers.
Tilted. Warped. Ugly.
A word went
Out of line
I rip the page into pieces
How hideous.
I have to be good enough.
Then I panic.
I killed a tree.
I sit in front of the TV
Totally Spies.
I am frozen
Someone
Will bomb the house
The house will catch on fire
I will burn.
"Mama, I'm sorry."
She looks at my report card
B.
Bad.
"Why can't you be smart like your friends?"
"What's wrong with you?"
Everything, mama.
Everything.
"Stupid girl! Stupid!"
My mother's cries break the silence
She does this
Every night
I'm scared.
What if she kills herself?
What will I do?
What if
I want her to?
Alone.
The shower runs
Steam fogging the glass
I am shaking.
What if there are
Ghosts?
I scream.
4:37am
Still awake.
I made a
Mistake.
I said something wrong
They will hate me
Tomorrow
I curl into a ball and think
Always, always thinking
"Daddy, I'm sorry."
Hand. Legs. Pain.
"You're a mistake! A mistake!"
Yes, daddy
I'm a
Mistake.
(I don't even know what this poem's about. All I know is, it's irregular, there is no rhythm, rhyme, structure. Nothing. It's too long and I can't stop editing it.)