i don't know what's going on...

[*lynn*]

lately everything has been going really good. grades are getting back up, making up work from school, i got a job, my parents and i are getting along so much better. but things from my past keep coming up (things from before i was ever adopted) and it's making me crazy. i started dieting a long time ago, just because i wanted to, and now sometimes i go an entire day without eating anything but a rice cake and some carrots. i thought at first that if i were skinnier, prettier, whatever, i would feel better about myself, especially after kris and katie. now i feel ugly, and too skinny, but yet i still hold out that hope that maybe i will like myself again, so i keep dieting and running 5 miles everyday. my therapist/psychiatrist put me on medicine and i have stopped taking it because i hate it. a kid from school that i have never hung out with before last month gave me some pills, xanax or something and it makes me feel good. i feel calm and lately i have been taking some everyday just so i can feel good about everything.

what i can't understand about myself is why, if everything is going so good, i keep sabatoging everything. because i know that's what i'm doing. but i don't know why. i want to have a good life, i want to have fun. but i feel like i can't let myself. it's so frustrating.

[Everglow]

omg...Lynn, dear, you have a lot to be happy about! You've fought through a heck of a lot and you're still alive!! That's such an accomplishment. Please find happiness in all of the good things you do!! You're still helping me with my eating problems and I'm so glad that you have been there for me in this difficult time. You don't need me to tell you that drugs are bad, so please get off the xanax and get back on what your therapist perscribed. I know you don't like it, but we all go through stuff we don't like, but we somehow manage to pull through. Get back on your meds, they may suck now, but they'll help you fight the depression. The sooner you've fixed it, you'll be off the meds...at least I hope!! Think of it that way!!

Trust me, running everyday at the distance you do is enough for you to stay fit. I run cross country and I've had my fair dose of heavy milage, but it's the best thing for your body!!! You need to refuel and replace what you lost while running. lol no junk food!! that stuff is horribly bad for you!! Eating the right foods help keep you fit and helps to prevent long term injuries. Eating healthy makes you feel good too!!

Hang in there chica!!! I'll talk to you later :) :) :)

[BillyWitchDoctor.com]

u seem to knowk that exercise is going to keep u healthy, it seems like many "want" to exercise but never get to it. Thats good. One thing u have to do is stop the Xanax. It's a perscription medicine, and if ur friend is giving it to u, then its NOT MEANT FOR YOU!!. a common side effect of xanax is euphoria or "feeling good and happy". If you can only find happiness after uve taken xanax, then its because ur on a drug. You need to stop this so you can naturally find happiness, if u cant do this naturally, you'll never be able to help urself and have fun. Next, go stand in the mirror and look at urslef. What DO you like about urself. Thoughts of doubt will probably come, let those thoughts come, but let them go as well. See yourself and remember that ur running 5miles a day and eating very little. Remember, to be healthy, you need to eat. In seeking a "good looking" body by being skinny wihle denying that you're becoming too skinny, you're always going to be insecure about it and you'll never truly be happy. Keep up ur running, thats great. but start up ur eating. A good looking body is a healthy body, eat balanced foods and keep urself fit and you'll look and feel great, once you feel great about yourself you'll take a huge weight off your shoulders, you'll be able to walk around confident that people look at you and think you look nice and healthy and then you can be happy with yourself. I tell this to alot of people, but find something you like to do. something active that stretches ur mind, something u find fun and rewarding. Once you find something you like to do , you can have an enjoyable life goign further and further with that. you dont need to be wealthy to be happy, remember that. start out with this and see where it takes you

[*lynn*]

i stopped taking the xanax because my friend got expelled from school from dealing. and i have no way to get ahold of him, so really i had no choice. i've been running a lot more latley. sometimes i just go to the track and run and run and run until i can't do it anymore. but at least i get my 5 miles in. my mom is starting to worry about me again. she doesn't think that i am eating enough, but i told her that i was eating at school, so she dropped it for now. i told my therapist that i stopped taking my meds and we had a long talk about it. so in the end she took me off the lithium and is just having me take the paxil and that is it. so that's good i guess. sometimes, when i am walking somewhere that i used to go with kris or katie, i swear that i hear or see them there. i know it is just my imagination playing tricks on me, or maybe it is just my depression. i don't know. but for awhile i was starting to move on, i was trying to make a new life for myself. and now all i o is think about them and what we would be doing if they were still alive.

i tried the whole mirror thing. it didn't work.

[Sapphire]

It is natural to think you keep catching glimpses of them both. When my friend died couple of years ago I kept seeing him all over place.
I strongly urge you to work with your therapist on your eating. Untill then, please get some vitamin/mineral tablets from your chemist. If you can't eat too much, at least make sure you get these.
Are things at school ok at the moment? Or have they got worse since you stopped the xanax?

[*lynn*]

i take iron and calcium vitamins, no worries there.

things at school aren't good right now because it's getting close to the end of the year and finals are getting close and there are just a lot of things that are going to be due and it is all really stressful right now. things don't seem as fun maybe since i haven't been taking the xanax, but i guess that is okay, school isn't really supposed to be fun i guess.

i can't talk to my therapist about my eating because she will freak and i don't need that kind of drama/stress right now. i might talk to her after i am done with school. but i can't chance her putting me in the hospital at the end of my senior year. i want to graduate and get out and be done. and if she put me in i wouldn't get to graduate probably because i would get more behind. but i'll think about it at least.