trip to ED clinic

[bambino]

well

it was a bit uncomfortable they asked all the same questions as my usual counsellor. Self harm? family relationships? Bullying? Get on the scales, lets take your height, this is your BMI.

they said if i lost more weight by next week they want me to become part of the outpatient programme, and if i lost 5lbs+ i'd be at hospitalisation weight. im 90lbs atm. they also wanna do more blood tests. it doesnt make any sense i dont look that bad.

thing is i can easily just put crap in my pockets and trick the scales, theres no way im becoming part of that programme! I am fine. My antidepressants have just made it hard to eat. I do have issues with food that fall between ana and mia [EDNOS] but she said it overlaps more into my BDD [body dysmorphic disorder]. Then she suggested: well, we can take a picture of you and then 10 other people and ask the public to rate on attractiveness?
I was like: um..what if they say I'm ugly?
Counsellor: then we learn about accepting to be what other people view as..an ugly person- it's about acceptance

I was sat there thinking, my god woman if they said i was ugly dont you realize i would almost kill myself!
atm im drinking energy drinks because i feel so sick, thought of food makes me feel ill.

[BrokenButterflies]

Well that's stupid. Why on earth would you expose someone with an ED to being called ugly? Therapists say the stupidest things some times...

[Lethe]

You very obvious do not want to help yourself. You think 90 pounds is healthy? It's devious to trick the scales and it shows how little you want to help yourself. Do you realize that?

[Amaryllis]

Dee, she does want to. It's not easy. It's not just about "just eat"ing. It runs deeper than that. We dont see ourselves for what we really are. You don't, dee.

Amber, this isn't going to be easy. I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you recovery was fantastic for me. That things just got better. It was terrible. I wanted to die because I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to get fat. I didn't want to let go. What would I be without my eating disorder? The real answer is, Amber, so much more.

Remember when you were little. When cake was good. And veggies were eww. Remember what you used to love. Who you were. You'll get that back and so much more.

Recovery is worth it. It's rocky. It's hard. Post recovery sucks as well. Wearing your skinny clothes and realising you no longer fit... Having people tell you you got fat. But it's better. Better than the destructive cycle we put ourselves through.

You realise there's something deeper, don't you? It's not just about thinking you look ugly. It's about anxiety. Horrible events. An underlying pain and drive for perfection. A scream for help.

They will help you. All you need is to tell the truth. In the end, you climb up that escalator.

Love,
Faith and Trust

[Lethe]

I do not see wanting to tip the scales to avoid being put into a hospital for treatment as her wanting to help herself. Maybe I'm just being silly?

[FuzzyLittleNightmare]

I can understand you not wanting to go into a clinic. I would really hate that, as they definitely wouldn't let me follow my Vegan beliefs. But perhaps it would be a good idea to be a part of their out patient programme and see if that helps you? Surely it's worth a try!

[bambino]

Dee I am here!
Of course I dont want to go into the programme and want to avoid it at all costs. it scares me. i will not lose anymore weight if i can help it. . im worried - my periods have stopped dont want it to mess up my hormones

im trying to eat more and be relaxed but its so difficult i cant even express ..if you havent been thru it. trying to have lots of snacks and small meals but its difficult. my stomachs shrunk a lot!!!

Thanks for your support and replies guys