not sure

[xdancing_for_rainx]

So... yeah, mostly just keep to myself around the forums, so I hope it's alright that I post...

Just having a real difficult time right now. I thought I was so set on living... but apparently not so much. Thinking people would be so much happier and better off without me. I've already cut several times tonight, which calmed me down a bit, but am still not doing so great. I feel like I always let people down and hurt them. I'd be saving a whole lot of pain by simply not being around. I almost feel guilty for living. Like, there are people who've passed away that loved life, and would have given nearly anything to keep it. And then... there's me. A waste of everyone's time and energy, not caring about life.

It just seems like nothing matters anymore. I'm all over the place mentally/emotionally. Things might be ok-ish one day, then I fall apart the next. I don't know what to think. Really hate myself right now...

Sorry for taking up space around here :/ Don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. Hope everyone's alright.

[Ryhanna]

Don't be sorry for posting. <3 You want help and support, and that's what the forum is for. :)

I know you may feel "worthless" and stuff, but trust me, you're not. It doesn't matter who you are, what you do, or what you believe, you've still made an impact on people and there will always be people who care about you. It's important not to forget that.

Are you seeing a counsellor currently? If not, maybe it would be worth it to discuss how you're feeling with someone like that.

[xdancing_for_rainx]

Thanks for your reply- it means a lot.

I've seen two different therapists in the past, but that never did anything for me. Also been put in partial hospitalization (then later to outpatient), seen a psychiatrist, diagnosed with major depression/anxiety, and put on medications which I quit taking a few months ago. Maybe these things helped for a little while, but nothing seemed to last.

What's kept me going this long has been faith (as a Christian)... but I seem to be losing that right now. There's someone I've been talking to who has tried helping, but I hate myself for bugging him with all my problems >.< He's only ever been kind and supportive, and I feel like such a b*tch for dumping everything on him.

It's like I'm just at the edge right now. Haven't felt this bad in years...