Struggling with self identity

[bugals645]

I feel as if i live inside my head, i look around at everyone else and they seem to operate much differently than i, a way that is much more upfront and connected with there emotions. I'm talking about the small talk, the jokes, the smiles, everything. I have a natural sense of humor but it comes from my own in-depth sense of irony and what not. It's hard for me to explain myself, I feel as if i don't know who i am, yet i do. i feel that people see me as not having a personality because that don't know everything that's going on in my head and i refuse to share it. I have terrible social anxiety and distance from people yet i am well aware i cannot live without them. all most like i'm too fixated of the ideas of good times that people have with each other and i end up wanting that in many forms from anyone i see. i have nothing against anyone, i appreciate any kind of personality that exists, it's all beautiful to me i just want someone who can appreciate me and my spaciness.
I feel this all can be easily connected to my sexual frustration. Growing up i've felt pulls toward both sexes but never had a strong grasp on how to feel about either. with guys, which seemed to come first, since preschool i remember feeling sexual pulls or thoughts that root from the idea of sex. with girls i felt similar instincts it's almost more intense or different because it's very clear to me when i look at one that boys and girls were made to be together. the difference between the girl body and my own astounds me and i love, it is quite a real sense. however with guys the fact that they are the same as me gives me a simpler and safer sense. a lot of my friends think or thought i'm gay because when i was more out of my shell i had a quarky personality but was never one of those guys who advertises their sexuality iin a confident. however in my head i was thinking about girls a lot but guys also. i know i can enjoy sex with both genders but i worry since my head doesn't seem to be in the same place as most guys that i will ultimately be limited to guys. rather i can sexually see myself being able to be with both genders and falling in love with either but when i view my personality compared with others it makes me think i don't have what it takes to keep a women satisfied. I've dated one girl for two years and we grew really close and i absolutely loved her. however, we were both virgins and after about a year of hand jobs and fingering (which i really enjoyed) we had sex. this put so much stress on me and it wasn't until the last three weeks we had together that i began being able to stay hard and more fully understand how to have sex with a girl. i still think about her every day and we haven't really been together for over a year now. i wish more than anything i could of gave her a reason to wanna stay with me and that we could of had more good sex when we had the chance. when i'm around people i just get real nervous because i don't like being judged or saying something they don't like and losing their interest, also i worry that people can see how attracted i am to them.
i am currently hanging out with this gay guy from time to time and i
am doing so to explore myself. i have seen him 4 times but i have yet to ever experiment with a guy. he's real feminine and i know he would be down for fooling around but i don't know how to feel about it. he's nice and i feel comfortable around him but i haven't felt inclined enough to act. i know i would enjoy it to some degree and every time i go to his house i think it'll be the night i try it. once i get there though things change sort of, i get nervous and less desiring. I wonder why though. I don't wanna get attached to him like i did with my girlfriend but i am also scared i will like it more which means no more girls for me probly. but i don't think i would really love his personality long term because i want someone deeper, more creative, and ambitious.
throughout my life i've had many issues with friends and family and have constantly questioned existence. i've recently devoted myself to a science path of life because i think it's a good fit for me. i took a psychiatric evaluation and it averaged out to put me in the high average percentile. however between categories my scores fluctuated and the areas i got superior scores where creativity, math and perceptual reasoning. i have such firm beliefs of science and evolution and possibilities for the future. i have many ambitions and really hope to make an impact in some way that helps humanity. i find so much beauty in mathematics and/in the workings of nature.
i feel like i operate at a neutral or enlightened level, i also think about my feelings as much as i live by them. but idk! life is complex and whenever i'm around people i second guess myself.
What i would love to hear people share with me is where their sense of identity comes from. What are good signs to look for when analyzing ones own sexuality? can reach any conclusion from what i said? does anyone think it'll be worth it for me to devote myself to knowledge and abstract thinking? i love it and the idea but i don't like how keeping myself so open almost stifles me with people because it keeps me from having a strict personality.

I find the more i learn the more baggage i take and i never want to stop learning, the world and existence is crazy and the only stability i ultimately want is someone to be with and love, someone who likes thinking and putting creative values to existence(in any sense), someone who is a dreamer with no bound on their ambitions, someone who can have power but is content to lose it, someone who's happiness truly comes from within them-self and (circumstantial) would be willing to follow me around the world and do as much as possible and see as much as possible just to have it all in our minds. this is what i'd ideally want from a girl, but do girls even roll that way? like i'll settle for whatever i have to, but what are some things you can expect a girl to expect from a guy?

[maxii]

you expect too much dude... I got tired of reading,, but wat I guessing is,, ur askin me my type? is that it?

[thecanjump]

Wow that was a lot of information and was kinda all over the place. I'm not sure if this will help but you don't have to label yourself. Don't but so much pressure on yourself to "fit-in" I myself am some what introverted, I love deep thinking and my time to myself. And as Maxii said you are kinda expecting a little too much. Life is complicated but you can make it simpler if you don't put so much pressure on yourself. Well good luck with life.

[blackpo]

I understand what u mean (but for me i choose the medical field)
1) if u are like what i assume you could possibly be bi
2) tlk to that guy n ask to go out from him you can see if a guy is truly what u need
3) open up more you are closed n narrow minded because u see urself as an outcast
4) surround urself with happy, joyful, n accepting ppl; they help

[Funkapotamus]

That's one hell of a summary of your current situation.
You speak about personality then social conduct then sexuality then sex then friendship then knowledge. A BIT OF A CHALLENGING TOPIC.

Like the guys say, you're thinking far too much into every minor detail and not giving yourself breathing time before you classify your next move and pull yourself out of the loop in frustration. Life is meant to be strolled through and to be taking in the scenery and various people around you, not to just hide in yourself and contemplate.

Just throw away all stereotypes and labels and classifications and live each day without worrying about those things. Think about being happy at doing something you love doing and and you'll meet people along the way with the sam interests as you.

[greekyogurt]

I don't think the problem you're having is knowing yourself, but rather knowing what your meaning is. You obviously know who you are, overall, because you know what you want in someone, you know what you want in life, and you know enough to state how you view life itself. I think the reason you're insecure about who you are while comparing yourself to others may be because of either facades or simple differences. Reality is that you will never be anyone but yourself, though you may change - but you can't force it. A lot of people will live every day of their lives pretending to find a way out of that, but it will never work.
As for your reason - let's throw in the theory of absurdism (or existentialism.) There is no reason. Or there may be, but we, as humans, regardless of how knowledgable and wise we are, will never be able to understand or find it - perhaps we will never even know it's there all together. Therefore, the only solution is to give yourself reason. Being what society, friends, coworkers, bosses, or parents expect you to be does not result in the above, on the other hand. That's being what they want you to be and will get you nowhere. What you need to find is what you want to do in life, how you want to go about it, and who you want to be, putting aside the opinion and influence of those around you. Overall, you will change day-to-day, sure, but as long as you know what your "dream" is, you'll be fine. Stop pondering how different you are compared to the people around you and don't over-think it (which is what you're doing.) The world is made up of individuals, your goal is to be unique and yourself.
As for your sexuality - that's not something you have to worry about. Yes, you may end up liking one or the other, but you will continue to struggle with it for as long as you hold it off in fear of it being unchangeable and having a negative effect. Let's say you do end up experimenting with your friend (or whatever you want to call him) and you end up liking men more than women - if you don't want to, well, then I don't see why you would in the first place unless you're worried about society's standards and views (yet again.) And regardless it's not something to worry about. The fact you spend a while being romantically or sexually involved with another man will not restrict you from ever being with a woman ever again, and to think that is quite silly.
Regardless of what people say, I, personally, don't believe people are just born gay, straight, or "bisexual." Unless you are that dependent on sexual attraction, you can be with anyone you want for reasons other than whatever is in their pants. Sexuality is - just that - based on sex, not love (which is what you seem to be referring to.) Love derives from the attraction you have towards another's personality and, yes, sometimes a little bit of sexual attraction. But let's face it, sex isn't mandatory when it comes to having a stable relationship unless you're craving it to the point that it is. Therefore, it's a simple problem with an easily acquired solution, though it may be difficult to go about it and carry it out.
As for the rest, I think you can figure it out on your own - besides, I don't want to drag this on for too long.
Good luck. c:

[Sterling26]

now that's a paragraph