Freaking out a bit

[stories]

So I finally was able to weigh myself today and I gained two pounds in the last two weeks and I am freaking out about it. In the middle of August I was 102lbs then went up a pound in a week and now am up to 105lbs. I know this is a normal, healthy weight (at least for my height of 4' 11" or so), but I am freaking out about it.

I am trying my best not to self harm because of it. But I hate this. I don't know what to do. Both of my brothers are in class right now and if I go to them the most that will happen is they'll tell me that 105lbs is not bad and expect me to eat meals with them later. I have lunch with one of them in about two hours.

And I can't go work out, which irritates me the most. I cannot go to the gym at our school because my student ID card is not validated because not all of my payments/loans have gone through. And I cannot go running. My body just wouldn't let me. My knees hurt too much, though I'd do it anyways. But I can't keep up my breath at all when I run. My stamina for it went down completely several years ago after I got depressed. Plus, all of the school work I have to do, that I have to go off campus to pick up supplies for a class which will take some time, and having to go to work for four hours today, I just have no time.

This is just freaking me out and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to be smaller, but also get better and not be like this. A friend commented on my sweater and how cute and comfortable it looked. After I weighed myself, I just told myself I am not wearing the sweater to feel cute or anything, I just don't want my fat to show.

Also, the other day I got so mad at the numbers that I threw my food journal at the ground, then gave it to one of my brothers, so I'd never see it again. I want it back. I need to keep track of what I eat.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just had to write this out here/somewhere.

[Fiction]

What you need to do, is get help. Your brothers are right. 105lb is a perfect weight, you really don't want to get smaller. Believe me having your ribs stick out is not pretty, or comfortable.

Maybe you could go and see a doctor about this? Maybe one of your brothers could take you?

[stories]

What you need to do, is get help. Your brothers are right. 105lb is a perfect weight, you really don't want to get smaller. Believe me having your ribs stick out is not pretty, or comfortable.

Maybe you could go and see a doctor about this? Maybe one of your brothers could take you?

I don't know if I am ready to get help. I have never seen a doctor or counselor for my issues. And I have a lot of them which can easily cover up the symptoms of my ENDOS (which is not diagnosed by the way). Even when I was younger and my mother knew I was depressed, I never saw anyone or took anything for it. And I don't know how to tell my brothers because they think I am getting better and are proud of me for it. I don't want to disappoint them.

I am calmer now than I was before. But I am still hating this. I don't need my ribs to stick out, just my stomach to get flatter from what it is (which is not flat at all). And it sucks as I was ready to get better a couple of days ago. So I don't know what to do.

[Fiction]

Tell your brothers that it would really help you to get better further if you had professional support. They sound pretty understanding, and they sound like they would do anything for you to get better.

I understand that seeing someone can be scary, but really it's just that first push of getting the help that's the scary bit. After that it's nothing, really, and you can work on getting better :)

[stories]

Tell your brothers that it would really help you to get better further if you had professional support. They sound pretty understanding, and they sound like they would do anything for you to get better.

I understand that seeing someone can be scary, but really it's just that first push of getting the help that's the scary bit. After that it's nothing, really, and you can work on getting better :)

Thanks. Both my brothers are understanding. These disordered eating habits have only been going on for two months or so. I don't know what I am going to do about it yet.

[Fiction]

If they've only been going on 2 months NOW is the time to stop them. However much you think you have control, and that you can stop it soon becomes a lot harder. I suggest you contact a professional to 'nip it in the bud' as it where, before it turns into a full blown ED.

[stories]

Well how long until it becomes "full blown"? 3 months, as criteria for an ED is?

And I have to want to stop this, don't I? Because right now I do not know if I do. It just confuses me because I am at such a back-and-forth with this.

[Fiction]

There is no set amount of time. For all i know it could already be one, but EDs usually develop grasually. I guess i would call it 'full blown' when it's damaging your health and it is completely out of control. If you are not already, you really don't want to be in that situation. The less time you leave it, the easier it'll be recover.

I totally understand about not wanting to get better, i still feel like that a lot of the time. That's when you find a reason to keep going though. For me it's my boyfriend, maybe you could use your brothers? Preferably someone that will be there to help encourave and support you.

[stories]

Well I don't know what it is at this stage. I am eating, slowly, and not that much, but slowly. And I am feeling fine, I guess. Ever since it started I've been able to deal with the stomach and headaches.

I don't know. I never know where it's at because of the other problems I have cover it up. Anxiety and my non-verbal learning disorder can be an excuse. I had iron deficiency anemia when I became vegetarian two and a half years ago, so if I look tired or sluggish, that's why. I also deal with insomnia and when that happens I get headaches, get tired earlier, and eat later at night. It's not Night Eating Syndrome, I know that. I also have always been one to sleep a lot, ever since I was young, so yeah. I had self-harmed before this ever happened. My depression also comes in to play. I also do try to eat healthy in my life so I that's just one more excuse I have.

I know that is a lot of stuff I think is wrong with me. So I don't know how far this is because I don't have to tell myself it is that bad with all of these excuses I have. I know it's not anorexia and probably EDNOS (restricting-type anorexia). I have told myself I have to get better and be there for my brothers. But at this point I feel my want to be smaller (in general and not have all of the unwanted and noticeable fat on me) and feel better about myself is growing. If I just stop, would I ever become happy with myself? I don't know. Though, despite eating at most meal times with them, I don't exactly feel obligated to eat and I do eat (though not a lot) when I am around them. So there's at least that.

[stories]

Also, to add on to this, I am an extremely picky eater. Other than being vegetarian there are over 100 foods/drinks I do not like. One of my other brothers has a list of them. Even certain healthy foods I do not eat. It makes it hard for me to eat this way when all there are are fruits, salads, and then carbs/starches, which I am trying to get away from the latter.

Being on a college campus limits the variety of food I can eat as well.

[stories]

Just freaked out a bit again. I went through my Facebook and untagged myself in all of the photos where I didn't like how I looked. I just didn't want to see myself in them. So I untagged them. There were a lot.