I want out.

[Default]

I've been depressed for a long time, I've tried my hardest to not let other people know how I've really been feeling because I don't want them to feel obligated to help or do something.

I've been putting on a fake smile everyday for two years, things are getting tougher though, and I need to talk to people. I thought it'd be best to talk to people who I don't know that way none of you feel like you need to go out of your way just to help me, here is my rant. I wrote my rant first and then this intro once I was calmed down.
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For two years I've been depressed, two years, I have been coping fine myself crying sure, but coping. For the first time ever though, I've cried without even thinking about my life and what's troubling me.

The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I can't bear to think about the pain this will send through the few who care about me. I am having more and more trouble coming up with reasons not to kill myself now though. Because I won't have to worry about other peoples feelings if I'm dead.

My Dad is an alcoholic, he isn't violent but at times he will arrive home after 4 in the morning, after leaving me to babysit. He apologizes each time, but until he shows he is really sorry by giving up the alcohol I don't care.

My Mom tries her hardest to make ends meet each month, but barely scraps together enough money, I will need to work a part-time job from now until University (in 4 years) just to get in.

I am Gay, my parents know but don't talk about it and ask me to do the same, they say they are accepting but they don't want to hear anything.

I only have a few good friends, and I can't be myself with them because they are all homophobic, on top of this I'm attracted to one of them.

I'm very socially awkward and no amount of efforts make any difference.

I feel ashamed of my usage of pornography (personal morales, not religious)

I act straight in front of my friends to get them to accept me.

I compulsively lie because I am not comfortable with who I really am.

I am jealous of others achievements.

I am made fun of by various people, and I laugh along while breaking apart on the inside.

I subconsciously think racist thoughts, even though I don't judge people nor care about race.

I separate myself from people who care about me to keep them uninvolved.

I hate myself.

Please help and please don't feel the need to respond, If you do respond, all I want is just hope or something.

[mxiii]

dude, u don't have to go thru this alone. =D im pretty sure alot of forumers here is more than happy to help . IMHO, no one can help solve your problems but yourself. sometimes there isn't even a problem, you just need someone to listen. It will make you feel abit free once you let out your heart's desire . =D add me up. I will listen to u =D

[Fiction]

It sounds to me as though you really need to get help. I understand what it's like to be depressed for a long period of time. I guess I have been to some extent for the last 4 years. However don't lose hope. Your life changes as you get older. You move out and you move on, and with that how you feel about it can also change. If you kill yourself you will never have the chance to see it get better, and all that suffering will have been worthless.

I have attempted suicide. I ended up in hospital after an overdose around 7 months ago. I never thought I would do it. I realise now how much better it would have been to have got help myself before that, instead of waiting until I was being taken to hospital at 2am. It's not nice to not have control over what you're parents are finding out, so I suggest you perhaps ask them if you can get professional help now, before you lose that control. Getting help is not nearly as scary as it seems. After you have done it you will honestly wonder why you where ever scared. :)

You have no reason to hate yourself for being gay. Or at all. You are who you are, whatever your sexuality etc.

These racist thoughts could posssibly be intrusive thoughts (unwated thoughts that can not be got rid of), especially as you say that you don't actually have anything against people of different races. Intrusive thoughts are notorious for making the person thinking them feel bad, or guilty. Again, it is something you should talk about with a professional, as they are often treatable with various forms of therapy.

I hope this helped. PM me if you ever want to talk :)

[johntwofour]

Try talking to your faimily about the problems that you are having, as i am sure that they will be able to help you find solutions to all of your problems. You must not kill yourself, as you have so much to live for!