PoisonedRazorBlades
September 6th, 2011, 06:53 PM
I don't even know if I have the words to fully express this...
My cousin got pregnant at the start of this year, but when she was about 4 months along we found out that it was unlikely that her daughter would survive. Her kidneys and lungs weren't forming correctly but my cousin refused to give up. She continued to carry the baby for as long as she could, despite the doctors telling her that there was no hope and then she was told that there was no fluid around the baby any more. But her daughter was still growing at a normal rate and was healthy in everything other than her lungs and kidneys.
My cousin made it until yesterday and her daughter was born 6 weeks early. She was just over 5 pound if I remember correctly and had 12 fingers and 12 toes but we don't know why yet. She lived for 40 minutes and was able to open her eyes for 15 minutes. She was beautiful and looked a lot like her grandad. When I saw her she was gone. I found out hours after the birth because I was staying at a friend's house, and I thought that holding her would freak me out. It did a little I must admit, but she looked like she was just sleeping. If I didn't touch her skin then I could pretend that she was just sleeping. My cousin was smiling at her daughter for the entire time I was there, and the scene was so stunning and tragic. Her lips were curved in a smile, and her eyes didn't look as though she had cried at all (which she hadn't) but there was just this air of complete and utter sorrow hanging over them all. I was able to not cry in the hospital with them. My brain switched off and I was able to not focus on it. I guess I became detatched to it, but since leaving its taken almost everything I've had to not breakdown.
I'm feeling awful and close to cutting to deal with it, and then I feel worse for even considering it. I know that this is family and I have every right to hurt about it, but I have no right to cut and feel better (even if only for a moment) when there are other members of my family feeling worse. Much worse. I feel so unforgivably selfish and stupid because of it. The baby was taken for an autopsy today, and I can't imagine how my cousin must be feeling having to let go. She's wanting all her family to go to the funeral and of course I'll go, but I don't want to really. I've never been to one before; I didn't even go to my grandad's, and I hate crying in front of people. I don't know how I'll cope. I feel like I should be strong for them but there's nothing I can do and I hate that. I hate feeling helpless. Its all just so unfair and I don't understand why it had to happen. I don't understand why she can't just open her eyes and not be... and not be dead. I understand it...
My cousin got pregnant at the start of this year, but when she was about 4 months along we found out that it was unlikely that her daughter would survive. Her kidneys and lungs weren't forming correctly but my cousin refused to give up. She continued to carry the baby for as long as she could, despite the doctors telling her that there was no hope and then she was told that there was no fluid around the baby any more. But her daughter was still growing at a normal rate and was healthy in everything other than her lungs and kidneys.
My cousin made it until yesterday and her daughter was born 6 weeks early. She was just over 5 pound if I remember correctly and had 12 fingers and 12 toes but we don't know why yet. She lived for 40 minutes and was able to open her eyes for 15 minutes. She was beautiful and looked a lot like her grandad. When I saw her she was gone. I found out hours after the birth because I was staying at a friend's house, and I thought that holding her would freak me out. It did a little I must admit, but she looked like she was just sleeping. If I didn't touch her skin then I could pretend that she was just sleeping. My cousin was smiling at her daughter for the entire time I was there, and the scene was so stunning and tragic. Her lips were curved in a smile, and her eyes didn't look as though she had cried at all (which she hadn't) but there was just this air of complete and utter sorrow hanging over them all. I was able to not cry in the hospital with them. My brain switched off and I was able to not focus on it. I guess I became detatched to it, but since leaving its taken almost everything I've had to not breakdown.
I'm feeling awful and close to cutting to deal with it, and then I feel worse for even considering it. I know that this is family and I have every right to hurt about it, but I have no right to cut and feel better (even if only for a moment) when there are other members of my family feeling worse. Much worse. I feel so unforgivably selfish and stupid because of it. The baby was taken for an autopsy today, and I can't imagine how my cousin must be feeling having to let go. She's wanting all her family to go to the funeral and of course I'll go, but I don't want to really. I've never been to one before; I didn't even go to my grandad's, and I hate crying in front of people. I don't know how I'll cope. I feel like I should be strong for them but there's nothing I can do and I hate that. I hate feeling helpless. Its all just so unfair and I don't understand why it had to happen. I don't understand why she can't just open her eyes and not be... and not be dead. I understand it...