A rant, of sorts.

[stories]

How am I getting better but getting worse at the same time?

For the past two months, food had taken over my life. It started as not eating because I was emotionally stressed, to slight calorie counting and exercising, to counting everything and exercising as often as I can. I mean, when I do not have my food journal I get anxious and am mad at myself when the numbers go too high or I can't work out (like now). And I get so mad at myself when I am lazy because I know I could be doing something productive or active. I also get mad that I am not trying to eat as healthy as possible. Sometimes I actually eat normal foods, just ones low in calories.

My two brothers know of my eating issues and are trying to help me. They say they are going to help ween me off of calorie counting and whatnot slowly. They don't get that I can't stop at this point. I really do want their help but don't know how they can help or how to go about asking them for help. It is even hard for me to tell them how I am feeling on any given day.

I know that once I break even I can work on getting better. Once I get the calories I need to lose lost and eat in my limit (though it is a low one at that), I can start over at try to get healthy again.

I am not underweight, do not purge (though I tried and couldn't do it), and all my cycles are good. This is some type of EDNOS I'm guessing.

How come I feel like I am getting better and worse at the same time? I don't get it. I have actually been eating today. I know that later tonight I will dislike myself for the number of calories I have eaten today but I can lose them soon enough.

I want this to stop but at the same time I don't. I know I don't like the way I look and am stressed out a lot and I know this isn't helping. But I can't wait for results and answers.

I don't know why this is here. I just needed to write this out.

[BrokenButterflies]

First of all, I know that once I break even I can work on getting better. Once I get the calories I need to lose lost and eat in my limit (though it is a low one at that), I can start over at try to get healthy again. That is the problem with eating disorders. You vary rarely "break even". I've gotten to four different "goal weights", and each time decided that I needed to loose more.It's a slippery slope.
And your right, I do think that would be EDNOS. Actually you sound a lot like me :-/
I don't know why you feel like your getting better and worse at the same time, I feel the same way though. To quote a phrase, Ana has a voice, and it makes you feel all kinds of bizarre things.

I wish I could give you advice of some sort, but I can't. If you ever need to talk though, you can PM me :)

[bambino]

I think it might be an idea to go to your doctor and get some counselling before it develops further. I always think I'm more inclined to EDNOS, than anorexia or bulimia because although i dont have regular periods- I dont exercise that much, only purge occasionally. So its a bit hit and miss.
I have the same as you, that sense of guilt that accompanies 'not eating healthy'.
Really, try and get a handle on this with some professional help- they will take it seriously because it can quickly develop and take over your life.

[stories]

Thanks both of you. I don't know what to do at this point. I gained some weight and freaked out about it, even though I am at a healthy weight. I just don't like myself right now. The most I hate is that I am not able to go and work out at my college's gym/rec center yet. It just irritates me. And other than the menstrual cycles and being underweight, I have most of the symptoms for anorexia (the non-purging type though, as I have tried and it hasn't worked). So an undiagnosed EDNOS it is. I don't know what I am going to do at this point. I am eating/have eaten today, so I will see what happens. I have eaten healthy thus far today but my body is not reacting well to the fact that I have eaten. I just don't like it.

[stories]

Also, though I am at a healthy weight there is still unwanted fat in places and it is pretty noticeable. That always make me self conscious... I really dislike it.