The feeling is back.

[screamtobeheard]

It's back. This terrible feeling. It was gone, it had left me. I'd been almost happy. But then today, all of a sudden...I feel nothing. I am nothing. I want to cry. My vision goes in and out of focus. I want to cut. I want to eat. I want to starve. I want to cry. I want to be somewhere else, anywhere else. I want to be someone else. I hate who I am and I hate all that I have. I don't want it, any of it. I'd give everything up...my intelligence, my job, my school, my athleticism, my boyfriend...everything, if I could just focus on my music. But that's not why I feel like this...it can't be. Something is missing, I just don't know what. I feel so empty. But I have a best friend and a boyfriend. What else could I ask for? I don't know. I really don't. And I'm sorry that I'm giving you this greedy, bitchy rant. I want to go drown myself in music and cry and cut...so I'll stop bothering anyone who may actually be reading this now...

[Magenta]

You're not bothering us, hun. We're here to try and help.

I'm not sure what to say other than maybe to wait it out. Feelings like this are never permanent, no matter how bad it may seem. Don't hurt yourself though, you're too beautiful for that. You'll find something that will make your life seem like more. I know what it's like... to have a lot yet have nothing. That's okay. Some people may not understand but it's still okay.

Listen to music, have a bath, play with makeup and paint your nails, find the cutest PJs you can and just pamper yourself. My old therapist once suggested that. It may seem silly and useless and you may wonder why bother but try it. When you feel destroying yourself, force yourself to be pampered. You know what, half way through, I'd feel a bit better.

Stay strong, you'll get through this. :hug3:

[screamtobeheard]

Thanks for understanding...it's kind of a new thing. Most of the time I just get yelled at for taking all I have for granted.

I'll try to take your suggestions...it's going to be hard, because as soon as I'm not around people, I'm probably going to completely break down.

Thank you so much.

[StoppingTime]

Your not bothering anyone here, dont worry about that.

As I'm sure you know, cutting isn't good, especially if you've been clean for a while, so don't start up agian... your too good for it.

Like Amanda said, do things you enjoy. Do whatever you can to make yourself forget about all the bad things, and focus on everything amazing in your life.

[Magenta]

Thanks for understanding...it's kind of a new thing. Most of the time I just get yelled at for taking all I have for granted.

I'll try to take your suggestions...it's going to be hard, because as soon as I'm not around people, I'm probably going to completely break down.

Thank you so much.

You know what? No one is perfect. People may take things for granted (I know I do) but that doesn't make the feeling any less real to them. Your feelings are valid because they're just that- feelings. They're flashes compared to other things. They don't make you a bad person and they don't make you any less worthy of support.

It will be hard, yes, but you deserve it. :) Break down if you like. Cry, scream into a pillow, hit a teddy bear. Just don't hurt yourself. There are far better ways of channeling these feelings than adding another scar.

I'm here if you need to talk. :hug:

[screamtobeheard]

Thank you again. (: I'm going to try not to...my scars aren't pretty. I don't need more of them, so I guess I'll be back on here later, trying to avoid destroying myself. Thank you for supporting me.

[Magenta]

Thank you again. (: I'm going to try not to...my scars aren't pretty. I don't need more of them, so I guess I'll be back on here later, trying to avoid destroying myself. Thank you for supporting me.

I'm almost always around to talk. Even if you can't reach me instantly, I always reply. Feel better, hun. :hug3:

[screamtobeheard]

Thanks, love. (: I was alright last night. But today I was worse. I did end up cutting...I just didn't know what to do with myself. I was able to stop myself, at least.

[screamtobeheard]

I can't say I don't fear death. It's just that I fear life more.

[StoppingTime]

You never really understand life until it happens, if you know what I mean.

[EarthToBryan]

I am going through the same thing. Vision going blurry is very annoying. It helps a lot to have someone there to talk to. Therapy is helping me a bit but I would rather have a friend I could talk to. It seems that whenever I am with my therapist I get off topic and say things I don't mean and can't adress the real problems. I have, and am, trying everything I can to stop the feelings; cutting, drugs, meditation, crying, etc. The first two are temporary fixes, but hurt in the long run and are very ill advised. The second two just make me feel worse. Nothing I have tried has helped for more than a few moments. I don't know what I am going to do, I feel like there will be a crisis in the near future but I can't, for the life of me, do anything about it. I just want to lay in my room in the dark, listen to music, and be alone. Hopelessness is a horrible suffering and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I hope knowing that there are others out there makes you feel less alone, it does for me. If you need anyone to talk to just message me, I'd like someone to talk to.