I'm a Crazy, Useless Nutcase

[Amaryllis]

WARNING: Big. Fat. Rant. Might be in the wrong section.

I wake up in the morning screaming my head off. Now, I'm not that crazy. It's usually because of a nightmare and no, I don't really scream first thing. It starts out with half-dazed crying then I start turning and kicking. Then I call for my mum. And she never answers. So that's where the screaming happens. I scream for my mum until finally, I stomp into her bedroom and literally - kick the door down.

Now here's the crazy bit. I start screaming and shoving and hitting at everything. My mum, furniture, the walls, myself.

Then, my aunt walks in. In fact, she stomps in. She stomps in and just shakes her head, staring at me, like I'm this freak of nature. So I ask her to go away. She doesn't. So I shove her and kick her in the gut.

Next is the really disturbing part. I sit in a little corner in a little ball. I rock back and forth, screaming while I pull my hair or literally deafen my ears with my constant ear-banging with my palms. And I just sit there. For about 2 hours, usually 5. Rocking back and forth. Biting myself or bashing my body parts on the wall. Crying. Repeating the same goddamn sentence every goddamn time. "You didn't come."

And you know what my aunt tells my mum. "There's no hope for her. She's useless. Useless. Useless." Then my uncle. "Stupid girl. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID! You're worthless!" An endless. Constant. Replay.

And then the cutting comes in. So that's why it's in this section. Though I'm pretty sure hair-pulling, banging, biting and scratching is self-harm as well. Really, I can't afford to be crying so much. Ana killed my eyes. I can't afford to scream my throat raw, singing is my life. I can't afford to twist my thumb. I don't know how I got that. I can't afford to cut in stupid places.

Now, maybe this doesn't sound that crazy. But really, poor residents. This creepy little girl screaming her goddamn head of every night. Every little thing sets me off when I'm like this. Little things like water spilling. The room being too warm. And oh, yeah, "You didn't come."

This is complete crap. Nobody will read it. It's almost 3:30am here. And ha, it's normal for me to live on an hour of sleep each day.

Yes. I'm a useless, worthless piece of crap who has nothing better to do than post lengthy threads on Virtual Teen. They should make a People-Harm forum for 15 year olds who act like they're goddamn 5 but hit with enough hate to feed a World War.

I don't want to wake up.

[Magenta]

Kiddo, you are not crazy, a freak or a nutcase. I read this, I'll read all your threads and I'll reply to all of them. I'm here. :hug3:

You know what I did one time? I tried to jump out of a moving car in the middle of the highway. It started out just talking to my dad. We talked a bit, I asked to go out. He said no. So I started begging, I was crying and I screamed. I screamed all the way home. I put my foot through the windshield of the car, I punched my dad, I kicked the crap out of the dashboard, hit myself, did all the things you do.

But you wouldn't think less of me, would you? I've done the same thing since I was a really little girl, I never really outgrew it. You know what though? I'm getting better. I'm able to control myself more now. Last night, I wanted to break everything in sight, attack whoever was around, attack myself. I didn't. You learn, you grow, you find different ways of handling yourself. Hey, it took me 16 years but it didn't last forever. And I'm sharing this because I'm sure you can relate and you know I wouldn't lie to you about it getting better.

I know you know you're not worthless or useless no matter what anyone else says. You're a great girl who is an inspiration to most of this forum. You've helped me so much, you've made me laugh and smile and I can see you going so far with your life. You've been through hell and back and yes, you may be stuck but you'll free yourself. You have so much strength, hun.

When you get like that, hum Perfect. Hum anything. Remember how much you love singing. You don't have to scream, you can sing. Remember to breathe. You can get through these moments. It's hard but you can calm yourself down. If you need help, turn on the computer and sign onto Skype. I don't sleep much so I'm almost always online or email me and you know I'll reply.

You're beautiful and kind and so very, very strong, Z.

[Amaryllis]

Thanks, Jo. I needed that. I've put a foot through the windshield as well. And the jumping out of the car. God, how do our parents deal with our crap? Haha... I don't know why I make such a big deal about my mum not being there. Sometimes I think I mean more than just that moment. She wasn't there for so many things and I know, a lot of parents are like that. But it doesn't make it any less painful. And thanks to my BPD, I'm SO scared. So scared that... God. I'm just a spiteful person. I hate everything.

But thanks, Jo. That made me feel all better. Maybe I do help people on here. And that's enough to make me hate myself and everything in this world a little less. Thank you.

Love,
Z.

Oh and umm, crusader. I know. I do. I've been to one.

[Magenta]

They put up with it because while actions speak louder than words, they know the actions are just saying what we're often to scared to admit ourselves and do impulsively. We can be forgiven. ^_^

Knowing other parents weren't there for their kids doesn't make it any less painful, it's true. It hurts and it hurts hard. But who are you going to rely on? Your mum or yourself? She won't be there forever and it doesn't sound like she's doing a great job right now as it is from what you've told me in the past. I'm sure she cares and just has an... interesting (and not overly helpful)... way of showing it. But you know that you need to live for yourself and you're capable of it. You're allowed to want your mum to be a part of your life but don't let her not being there control you.

And I know, BPD makes things very difficult but it doesn't define you. It's a bump in the road. One of my best friends has BPD and has come so far since I first met her a year ago when she got her diagnosis. You'll get through that, just like you got through Ana. It's manageable and lots of people can live happily even with BPD, bipolar disorder, any mood/personality disorder. :hug:

I'm glad I helped. Remember you can send me a message whenever. :)

[Amaryllis]

Sometimes I just kinda wonder why we get all these disorders... I mean, sure. The "professionals" try to dig it out of you but... Some people are just so normal. I don't know. This is normal for me. Us. But is the majority of the population like this? Or is it just a minority?

I can't stand it. The way all my relatives look at me. Like I'm a freak of nature. Self-harm, depression, BPD, eating and bipolar disorders, all of that is unheard of in my culture. Genetics play a part, I know. But are we you know... Is something wrong with our brains? I mean... God, I'm probably offending everyone, including you right now. I'll stop.

Thanks, Jo.

[Magenta]

I know. If it was a perfect world, no one would have these problems 'cause it's nothing we would wish on anyone else. But they exist and it is what it is and we'll fight and we'll work through it.

You're not offending me. You're saying exactly what a lot of us have thought at more than one point. You know what I wondered last night? What kind of freak considers taking her own life? What kind of freak gets hate message telling her to die? Some people are just horribly cruel in what they say, the way they look at you. But as you've told me, no one can bring you down without your permission. Just remember to never give them your permission. They obviously don't know the whole you, the one that I see so often. Maybe there is something wrong with our brains but if there is, we can fix it, we can manage it and we can move past it.

You are so much more than all your struggles. <3



Thanks for the +rep. :P

[Amaryllis]

Aww, Jo. Why can't you just get out of America and live in my room already? Your stupid "friends" are complete assholes. Offence intended. I'd smack 'em on the head and lock them in a closet if I could. Some people stuck notes on my locker calling me the Ugly Anorexic and asking me to starve to death as well. Really though, why would anyone do that? I just don't understand. Why? Why would you tell someone you don't even hate to die?

I'm feeling a little better. But I just wish I could sleep and never wake up. I mean, not die... But... A dreamless, eternal sleep. Wait. That's death. Gosh, I don't know.

[Magenta]

Aww, Jo. Why can't you just get out of America and live in my room already? Your stupid "friends" are complete assholes. Offence intended. I'd smack 'em on the head and lock them in a closet if I could. Some people stuck notes on my locker calling me the Ugly Anorexic and asking me to starve to death as well. Really though, why would anyone do that? I just don't understand. Why? Why would you tell someone you don't even hate to die?

I'm feeling a little better. But I just wish I could sleep and never wake up. I mean, not die... But... A dreamless, eternal sleep. Wait. That's death. Gosh, I don't know.

I have one friend who redeemed herself last night so almost all is well. But it's true, people are horrible. However, look at the Wiccan rede and the threefold law. For every nasty word they say that caused harm, it will come back threefold. I pity them, really, for not having learned if they don't have anything nice to say, not to say it.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Focus on a new day. Now everything else is in the past and you're moving forward. The future will bring its new struggles but it will also bring more happiness if you let it.

[Iris]

There's not much I can say that Jo hasn't, but I just want to add that maybe, by society's standards, you are a nutcase. So am I. So are many people, here on VT and out in the world. I think we are the most interesting people. Yes, life is hard when you're a little crazy. And I'd never will the hardships that seem to follow us on another. But crazy nutcase-ness gives you depth, and empathy, and inspires amazing art. My point is, take Jo's advice about when you're in that crazy state, but don't feel bad about who you are. You are not worthless; you are amazing and powerful, and I have so much respect for you.

[Magenta]

There's not much I can say that Jo hasn't, but I just want to add that maybe, by society's standards, you are a nutcase. So am I. So are many people, here on VT and out in the world. I think we are the most interesting people. Yes, life is hard when you're a little crazy. And I'd never will the hardships that seem to follow us on another. But crazy nutcase-ness gives you depth, and empathy, and inspires amazing art. My point is, take Jo's advice about when you're in that crazy state, but don't feel bad about who you are. You are not worthless; you are amazing and powerful, and I have so much respect for you.

This.

People forget that through our struggles, we also come out with more than anyone with the perfect life ever will.

[Amaryllis]

Thank you, both of you. Lilys, you're right. We are insane by society's standards. And if any of my friends were to find out about any of this, I would be rejected. Just like I was when I was skinny. None of them must find out. I have worked to hard to build this perfect exterior. But it's hard. The cracks are showing. I've cried in school in front of the entire class, threatened to kill. I have gotten away with it by saying it was a joke. Because they brush it off.

People would choose ignorance over the reality that anyone they knew would be this broken.

[fenrirdies]

naw you're not worthless, you could be so much worse Like killing them in there sleep for making you feel that way. That is what I feel like doing when people make me that way, I'm not a violent person but people make me feel that way when they make me feel that way.

[Amaryllis]

Ooohhhh trust me, I have come this close to stabbing my parents or setting their heads on fire numerous times. I'd love to say I wasn't a violent person but I am. I always have been. What I lack in strength, I make up with pure hate.

[fenrirdies]

I'm like that, I've wanted to stab many a person because they think because I don't act on my violent thoughts I won't stab them in the face.