TtotheC
September 4th, 2011, 06:31 AM
So here's the thing, i'm 18, and lately ive been through about 5 months of a form of HOCD (which is OCD where you worry about being gay, obsessively). Ive got a girlfriend, who i've love with ALL my heart, i really truly do, but it's a long-distance relationship (that doesnt make things easier does it?:P). I really wish i could be with her all the time, and we've seen eachother a couple of times, and i really knew that i was happy around her, i really was, and we had sex even, but when we did i was so scared that the other day when we did it i couldnt keep my erection. All that was going through my head was: u gotta stay hard, if u dont ur gay ur gay ur gayyy! thats when i lost it, and i stressed over it really badly..
Ive tried gay porn, and it gave my strong and quick orgasms. I felt really weird while doing it, and felt regret and shame afterwards, i didnt like it emotionally at all! I think it's just different and new that's why that happened. But anyways, i feel like i'm past that fase and that it's no big deal. I stopped watching it months ago.
Now the most recent problem im dealing with is that ever since i've had this worry about being gay, i started developing anguish when i'm around handsome looking guys... When i talk to one, especially when i know that he's gay, i'll get really afraid, and if i feel any sort of friendship towards this person, i'll tell myself that it's because im gay and that im in love... Its really stressing. I never used to have this feeling around guys, and waht ive also noticed is that i only have this feeling around guys i dont know yet, it's so weird and i cant even go to a party comfortably because of this... Its making me wonder if it's because i'm gay and hiding away my attraction, or if it's because of my worries and HOCD that have been literally ruling my life for the past few months (which seems most likely to me, since ive never had this worry before my problem).
How do i stop feeling this anguish and scaredness around other guys?? It's taking over my life.. I tell myself i'll fall in love with anyone who's even moderately attractive..
Ive tried gay porn, and it gave my strong and quick orgasms. I felt really weird while doing it, and felt regret and shame afterwards, i didnt like it emotionally at all! I think it's just different and new that's why that happened. But anyways, i feel like i'm past that fase and that it's no big deal. I stopped watching it months ago.
Now the most recent problem im dealing with is that ever since i've had this worry about being gay, i started developing anguish when i'm around handsome looking guys... When i talk to one, especially when i know that he's gay, i'll get really afraid, and if i feel any sort of friendship towards this person, i'll tell myself that it's because im gay and that im in love... Its really stressing. I never used to have this feeling around guys, and waht ive also noticed is that i only have this feeling around guys i dont know yet, it's so weird and i cant even go to a party comfortably because of this... Its making me wonder if it's because i'm gay and hiding away my attraction, or if it's because of my worries and HOCD that have been literally ruling my life for the past few months (which seems most likely to me, since ive never had this worry before my problem).
How do i stop feeling this anguish and scaredness around other guys?? It's taking over my life.. I tell myself i'll fall in love with anyone who's even moderately attractive..