Now I'm calling it a relapse...

[Magenta]

I wasn't before. I mean, yeah, I was on day 0 every three or four days but with five or six little cuts here and there. It wasn't to... this extent. I haven't been like this for a long time.

A few people who have known me longer may remember the night in February where I had completely lost it and ended up with 421 cuts from my wrist to shoulder. The next day I had wanted to do 800 but managed to stop myself after 27...

Today I've just been feeling out of it. I've been tired, I've been sad but I wasn't really depressed. I was just numb. I went to take a bath and brought my blade, not really caring if it was day 0 or not. I figured that if it was only a few like lately, it wouldn't really matter. A few for me is great. It's not like the 40-50 I'd used to make regularly. I guess I just sort of stopped thinking for a bit because (and I count when I cut just out of ritual) I just kept going even though I knew the number was getting really high. I got to 200 and sort of just thought "oh".

It sort of surprised me after awhile. I mean, the last time I went into the 100s, I was a shaking, crying, hysterical mess. This time I was just numb and oddly calm. Even afterward... I can't really make myself care. I mean, some are shallow, some are just "normal" and they'll heal just like any others. ._.

I'm just not really sure why I'm so apathetic this time. I would have thought that the next time I got really bad, it would have been for a reason, you know?

[anonymous53]

Jocelyn.... :hug:

Please, stop before it gets any worse. Yes... I know, there wasn't really a reason, but sometimes these things happen...

[Amaryllis]

You don't fail till you quit trying.

So don't quit trying.

It's going to be okay, Jo. We will recover. You can't just give up on yourself like this. Addictions are addictions. There isn't always a "reason". Hell, I don't really know why I eat so much or so little. I don't know why I feel high or low. I don't know why I feel angry for no apparent reason sometimes. But it doesn't matter. What matters is you were brave enough to reach out and post this. Brave and strong enough to admit you made a "mistake".

You've done it, Jo. You can't go back. All you can do is pick yourself back up, put back the pieces, use super glue and pray they stay this time. And over time, the wounds will heal, that's why people get stitches, so the wounds can heal. And soon you won't need the stitches or glue. You'll be healed. You'll be free.

Life isn't a smooth journey. You and I should know better than anyone. It's full of highs and lows and moments when you are just okay. When the pain isn't unbearable and the euphoria is non-existent. And those are the beautiful, peaceful moments that keep us (relatively) sane.

Life isn't about being numb. It isn't about torturing yourself. It isn't about being ecstatically happy. It's about laughing, crying, screaming, stumbling, hating, loving, being.

You're gonna have stumbles like these in the future. But that's okay. Because you're Jocelyn and you are strong. You are not bulletproof because no one is, you are not fragile. But you are strong.

Love,
Faith and Trust

[Magenta]

It just seems much easier to stay like this. Whether I'm happy or sad, I guess I'm just going to cut. There are days where I look at my scars and wonder if this is real, if I'm really doing this. But I am. I am one of those kids I never thought I'd be. Isn't that just who I am now? The depressed girl? The cutter? The freak?

Why bother stopping if it's the only thing I have now?

After another 25 last night, I'm just as apathetic. In pain but not really caring. It's my own fault so I can't complain, I guess.



Also... another question... um, is it normal to cut so much? I mean, I've never heard of anyone else who cuts as much as I do. Some people get to maybe 50 on occasion but regularly? And in the 100s? I've just been thinking about it recently. I know it's bad, I never doubted that but is it unusual? I just don't really get the same... feeling, I guess, with less.

God, I'm a freak even for a cutter. As if that didn't make me weird enough.

[Amaryllis]

I admit, I've never cut that much. Well, if I have, I don't count. You're a freak of a cutter, I was a freak of a starver. Now I'm not. So you won't be either.

[fenrirdies]

I did it for fun untill I join than I started to see it as a way to express how stressed or depressed I was . I still very much enjoy pain but now I cut my forearms when I am mad depressed and bored.

[Aubrie]

It just seems much easier to stay like this. Whether I'm happy or sad, I guess I'm just going to cut. There are days where I look at my scars and wonder if this is real, if I'm really doing this. But I am. I am one of those kids I never thought I'd be. Isn't that just who I am now? The depressed girl? The cutter? The freak?

Why bother stopping if it's the only thing I have now?

After another 25 last night, I'm just as apathetic. In pain but not really caring. It's my own fault so I can't complain, I guess.



Also... another question... um, is it normal to cut so much? I mean, I've never heard of anyone else who cuts as much as I do. Some people get to maybe 50 on occasion but regularly? And in the 100s? I've just been thinking about it recently. I know it's bad, I never doubted that but is it unusual? I just don't really get the same... feeling, I guess, with less.

God, I'm a freak even for a cutter. As if that didn't make me weird enough.

Gonna kind of jump in here...

Really, it is easier to stay like that. It's hard to stop. Addictions consume your entire life. But this is hardly a life. It's so much brighter and happier once you stop. It feels good to walk outside and feel the sun on your skin and to be able to say you're happy and feeling better. I didn't think I would ever be able to say that. To stop cutting is one of the hardest, but best things you can do for yourself. It just feels amazing.

I've never heard of cutting being that bad, but it's not really something I ever talked about with other people. I know mine wasn't that bad at least. I think cutting is sort of like alcoholism - you build up a tolerance and have to have more and more to get the same effect per se.

[HeroesAndCons]

You probably got so used to cutting you got "comfterbal" with it So to speak
if u need anyone your puddi cup is here