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View Full Version : Introduction to a story i'm writing. Feedback please :3


judgeofsin
September 1st, 2011, 07:01 PM
"The Cleansing."
That was a plan devised by Amida, the man who brought ruin to this world.
His loyal followers were once regular humans like us, with hopes and dreams.
All of that means nothing now, as they are all either dead or are currently under his influence.
The once peaceful streets are now filled with his soldiers.
The sky has been dyed a crimson red ever since it rained blood.
The blood of the innocent that have lost their lives to these demons.
I was once a simple boy living in this world just like everyone else.
At this point, i'm not even sure what to call myself anymore.
A tortured soul is the only thing that comes to mind.
My parents were murdered during this apocalyspe.
In fact, the only reason why i'm even alive right now is because of my parents.
They gave their lives to make sure that I stayed alive.
Just before their untimely death, they used all of their strength to create a sheild around me.
Within their sheild, I could only watch as the pair of soldiers pierced their hearts with their blades.
They screamed in pain and agony, blood gushing from their chests.
With his last breath my father said, "Taisho, the fate of this world lies in your hands."
With those words, my parents fell to the floor, lifeless.
At the death of my parents, I lost all control of myself.
I absorbed the sheild into my body and it began to burn.
"I will destroy you all!"
Those were my words as I punched the two soldiers in their faces, crushing their skulls.
As they lay dead on the ground beneath me, I screamed to the sky,
"Amida! I will make sure this place is your gra..."
Before I could get out the end of my sentence, a needle was shot into my neck.
I quickly turned around only to see a tall man wearing a white cloak with a hood that concealed his face.
"That's some power you've got there. It looked as if you could rip the sky in two." He said as he walked closer to me.
"Who in the world are you?" I retorted.
My body began to lose all feeling and my vision became blurry.
"I may be a dream, I may be a nightmare. That all depends on whether you're willing to cooperate." He responded as he walked in front of me.
My body finally gave out as I dropped to the floor below me. My eyes closed and I could barely hear. Before I blacked out, I heard the man say one last thing.
"All will be explained in due time Taisho. All in due time."

OptimusPrime
September 1st, 2011, 07:07 PM
Neat story dude. I like it.

judgeofsin
September 1st, 2011, 07:59 PM
Thanks :D

judgeofsin
September 4th, 2011, 10:38 AM
Anyone else?

embers
September 4th, 2011, 10:42 AM
It's a promising start. :) I like it. Although, is it meant to be in that format and not paragraphs or something?

judgeofsin
September 4th, 2011, 10:50 AM
It's a promising start. :) I like it. Although, is it meant to be in that format and not paragraphs or something?

Yes it is :)

judgeofsin
September 4th, 2011, 12:59 PM
That's how the whole story is going to be.

embers
September 4th, 2011, 02:22 PM
That's how the whole story is going to be.

I'd rather read a structured piece of writing than a block of lines. Unless it's a poem, but even then it's in stanzas and so on, meaning it still is structured. But if you think you can pull that off without making it unappealing, then go for it.

judgeofsin
September 4th, 2011, 02:36 PM
I'd rather read a structured piece of writing than a block of lines. Unless it's a poem, but even then it's in stanzas and so on, meaning it still is structured. But if you think you can pull that off without making it unappealing, then go for it.

It's only going to be like this until i can make it into paragraphs.