IcarusLives
September 1st, 2011, 04:08 PM
Yeah, I apologize in advance for how fucking long this is...
For the last year or so I've been feeling just strange, sort of dissociated and weirdly dizzy... If you don't know what dissociation means then just look it up, I'm not going over it. I kept looking for what might've been causing the feelings, and that just made me anxious as to what it could be, as nothing really fit the condition 100%, but a lot of things hit on a few parts of it.
But over the year the feelings keep persisting, and it keeps making me feel more and more anxious, and even depressed, a lot more withdrawn and un-talkative I guess too. I feel like I'll never be able to feel the way I used to anymore, pretty much almost 100% hopeless. And I have no idea what this is even from either necessarily...
Now I'm starting to not get anything out of anything, like anhedonia. (Again, look it up, google is a wonderful tool...) I'm not getting any positive feelings from anything, which only adds even more to my anxiety. All of my ambitions and dreams seemingly are fading, I just want to fix what's going on so I can get back to the way I was. Nothing looks beautiful to me anymore, I was in Hawaii for three weeks, didn't get shit all out of any of it. Was just constantly worrying.
So maybe it's all anxiety related, if I could just stop worrying I might find that I actually feel fine, but, uh, in reality, I can't... Because even for those short moments where I find I'm not worrying, I still don't feel any different.
So these feelings keep persisting, now I feel exceedingly anxious constantly, especially when I'm in public. Everything I do I over-analyze as being weird or outside of the norm now, it's strange.
Started going to therapy to see if I could actually figure out what the fuck is really going on, my biggest fears were if I had schizophrenia or some form of psychosis, but apparently given my symptoms it just sounded like I had anxiety and depression. Apparently I might just be a massive mental-hypochondriac so to speak. As in I hear music in my head constantly, bits of songs that constantly replay, but apparently that's normal. I hear voices in my head, but it's not like they're telling me to do things or controlling me, it's just me thinking to myself, and apparently so does everyone, as it's normal thought process.
But I make myself *exceedingly* anxious about everything that's going on with me, I see this in myself and it's "I must be schizophrenic", or "I must be psychotic", or that something's just wrong with me... Even if (Apparently...) it's perfectly normal.
But, if it's not that, and it's just anxiety and depression, it should be treatable, right....?
Well this is where it gets even better.
So, I'm not getting anything out of anything, which apparently could just be due to depression. So, now I'm on an anti-depressant, Wellbutrin. Been on it for about a month, and it's done nothing, if anything I've only gotten worse over that time period...
So it's great, something that literally *won't* let you be depressed, does shit all for me :). And that's supposed to anti-depress me...... Mmhmm...
Tried anti-anxiety medication as well, which, yet again, does shit all.
Nothing's working, and I've been going through this for an entire year, it only gets worse and worse.
So I'm starting to wonder what the fuck I should do... I live every day in the hope that tomorrow will get better, tomorrow only brings more of the same or worse...
Even being with my girlfriend I don't seem to get anything out of anymore... That's sort of the last straw, as when these feelings were on-setting, the only thing that could make me feel good again was being with her. So, if that's gone, then that's just phenomenal.
Noticed I've been starting to think about just killing myself as a means to get out of this shitty situation, as nothing else is working. Suicidal thoughts are pretty well very frequent for me now, been thinking of ways of going about it almost every day now. Problem is everything either seems too painful or not sure-fire enough save for a gun, and it's illegal to bear arms where I'm from, so what do. Maybe slitting my wrists. But sincerely, fuck therapy, fuck trying every single day to put myself out there as much as possible, fuck everything, this is so pointless and exhausting...
Every single fucking day is an uphill struggle, the next morning I wake up and metaphorically, the only thing different is the steepness of that fucking hill. Feel like it's pretty much a straight up wall now, in other words impossible to keep trying to climb.
I know, seems exceedingly selfish to kill myself, this has only been going on for a year or so, right?
Nope, but it's only ever gotten this bad over the past year. Before that I was always a generally sad kid due to not exactly having the most supportive family so to speak... My friends taking advantage of me, it seemed that kindness empathy and docility are only sure-fire ways of getting yourself stepped on...
There's a pretty big cavalcade of things that have happened to me over the years, like anyone who's depressed seems to have. For the sake of not making this already giant post even bigger, I'll leave that part out for now and just focus on the now aspect of things.
Back then I could always just put up a front of so-called "happiness" regardless, but at the same time, I could still *feel* happy too, I had tons of emotions back then, and despite the fact that I was sad for the most part, I could still feel all of them like normal. Back then people even sort of heralded me as a really hilarious, random, funny, happy, hugely empathetic guy. I know, yet again, I sound like a narcissist right? Okay well despite all of that I would still feel dissatisfied about myself anyway for one, and for another, I'm none of those things anymore, that's all gone... Everything I used to be seems to be disappearing around me...
So, now even those feelings and emotions are gone, and things I guess have gone from bad to worse.
So in all honesty, what I'm asking is what's the point? If you try as hard as possible to make things better every single fucking day, and in the process things only ever serve to get worse, and worse, and fucking worse...
I don't know, the quote that goes "The secret to life though, is to fall seven times, and to get up eight times" is missing one valid point...
What about the eighth time you fall? Or the ninth time? Metaphorically speaking, how many times can you get up before you can't actually do it again?
I don't know, for me it seems like I'm coming up to that point though.
I'm tired of waiting and trying, someone answer me if there's a point to any of this. Has anyone else gone through something like this and actually ended up getting better in the end? Or at least getting somewhat better over time?
I need some kind of a reason to keep trying, right now I have none. If anyone can come up with one, that would be oh so very much fucking appreciated.
And don't tell me people would miss me either if you don't mind, my mom would, I'm sure. My sister and father would only hate themselves for finally realizing what they've contributed to. Most of my friends wouldn't give a shit either anymore, in all honesty even my girlfriend probably wouldn't care that much anymore. I don't really know anyone else in my family very much if at all anyway, none of them would give a shit, my co-workers wouldn't be able to care less I'm sure.
Awfully sorry if I come across as a bit angry, typically suicidal people aren't exactly in their greatest frame of minds : p...
But thanks in advance to whoever had the perseverance to actually read through all of this and help out.
For the last year or so I've been feeling just strange, sort of dissociated and weirdly dizzy... If you don't know what dissociation means then just look it up, I'm not going over it. I kept looking for what might've been causing the feelings, and that just made me anxious as to what it could be, as nothing really fit the condition 100%, but a lot of things hit on a few parts of it.
But over the year the feelings keep persisting, and it keeps making me feel more and more anxious, and even depressed, a lot more withdrawn and un-talkative I guess too. I feel like I'll never be able to feel the way I used to anymore, pretty much almost 100% hopeless. And I have no idea what this is even from either necessarily...
Now I'm starting to not get anything out of anything, like anhedonia. (Again, look it up, google is a wonderful tool...) I'm not getting any positive feelings from anything, which only adds even more to my anxiety. All of my ambitions and dreams seemingly are fading, I just want to fix what's going on so I can get back to the way I was. Nothing looks beautiful to me anymore, I was in Hawaii for three weeks, didn't get shit all out of any of it. Was just constantly worrying.
So maybe it's all anxiety related, if I could just stop worrying I might find that I actually feel fine, but, uh, in reality, I can't... Because even for those short moments where I find I'm not worrying, I still don't feel any different.
So these feelings keep persisting, now I feel exceedingly anxious constantly, especially when I'm in public. Everything I do I over-analyze as being weird or outside of the norm now, it's strange.
Started going to therapy to see if I could actually figure out what the fuck is really going on, my biggest fears were if I had schizophrenia or some form of psychosis, but apparently given my symptoms it just sounded like I had anxiety and depression. Apparently I might just be a massive mental-hypochondriac so to speak. As in I hear music in my head constantly, bits of songs that constantly replay, but apparently that's normal. I hear voices in my head, but it's not like they're telling me to do things or controlling me, it's just me thinking to myself, and apparently so does everyone, as it's normal thought process.
But I make myself *exceedingly* anxious about everything that's going on with me, I see this in myself and it's "I must be schizophrenic", or "I must be psychotic", or that something's just wrong with me... Even if (Apparently...) it's perfectly normal.
But, if it's not that, and it's just anxiety and depression, it should be treatable, right....?
Well this is where it gets even better.
So, I'm not getting anything out of anything, which apparently could just be due to depression. So, now I'm on an anti-depressant, Wellbutrin. Been on it for about a month, and it's done nothing, if anything I've only gotten worse over that time period...
So it's great, something that literally *won't* let you be depressed, does shit all for me :). And that's supposed to anti-depress me...... Mmhmm...
Tried anti-anxiety medication as well, which, yet again, does shit all.
Nothing's working, and I've been going through this for an entire year, it only gets worse and worse.
So I'm starting to wonder what the fuck I should do... I live every day in the hope that tomorrow will get better, tomorrow only brings more of the same or worse...
Even being with my girlfriend I don't seem to get anything out of anymore... That's sort of the last straw, as when these feelings were on-setting, the only thing that could make me feel good again was being with her. So, if that's gone, then that's just phenomenal.
Noticed I've been starting to think about just killing myself as a means to get out of this shitty situation, as nothing else is working. Suicidal thoughts are pretty well very frequent for me now, been thinking of ways of going about it almost every day now. Problem is everything either seems too painful or not sure-fire enough save for a gun, and it's illegal to bear arms where I'm from, so what do. Maybe slitting my wrists. But sincerely, fuck therapy, fuck trying every single day to put myself out there as much as possible, fuck everything, this is so pointless and exhausting...
Every single fucking day is an uphill struggle, the next morning I wake up and metaphorically, the only thing different is the steepness of that fucking hill. Feel like it's pretty much a straight up wall now, in other words impossible to keep trying to climb.
I know, seems exceedingly selfish to kill myself, this has only been going on for a year or so, right?
Nope, but it's only ever gotten this bad over the past year. Before that I was always a generally sad kid due to not exactly having the most supportive family so to speak... My friends taking advantage of me, it seemed that kindness empathy and docility are only sure-fire ways of getting yourself stepped on...
There's a pretty big cavalcade of things that have happened to me over the years, like anyone who's depressed seems to have. For the sake of not making this already giant post even bigger, I'll leave that part out for now and just focus on the now aspect of things.
Back then I could always just put up a front of so-called "happiness" regardless, but at the same time, I could still *feel* happy too, I had tons of emotions back then, and despite the fact that I was sad for the most part, I could still feel all of them like normal. Back then people even sort of heralded me as a really hilarious, random, funny, happy, hugely empathetic guy. I know, yet again, I sound like a narcissist right? Okay well despite all of that I would still feel dissatisfied about myself anyway for one, and for another, I'm none of those things anymore, that's all gone... Everything I used to be seems to be disappearing around me...
So, now even those feelings and emotions are gone, and things I guess have gone from bad to worse.
So in all honesty, what I'm asking is what's the point? If you try as hard as possible to make things better every single fucking day, and in the process things only ever serve to get worse, and worse, and fucking worse...
I don't know, the quote that goes "The secret to life though, is to fall seven times, and to get up eight times" is missing one valid point...
What about the eighth time you fall? Or the ninth time? Metaphorically speaking, how many times can you get up before you can't actually do it again?
I don't know, for me it seems like I'm coming up to that point though.
I'm tired of waiting and trying, someone answer me if there's a point to any of this. Has anyone else gone through something like this and actually ended up getting better in the end? Or at least getting somewhat better over time?
I need some kind of a reason to keep trying, right now I have none. If anyone can come up with one, that would be oh so very much fucking appreciated.
And don't tell me people would miss me either if you don't mind, my mom would, I'm sure. My sister and father would only hate themselves for finally realizing what they've contributed to. Most of my friends wouldn't give a shit either anymore, in all honesty even my girlfriend probably wouldn't care that much anymore. I don't really know anyone else in my family very much if at all anyway, none of them would give a shit, my co-workers wouldn't be able to care less I'm sure.
Awfully sorry if I come across as a bit angry, typically suicidal people aren't exactly in their greatest frame of minds : p...
But thanks in advance to whoever had the perseverance to actually read through all of this and help out.